My dad might end up homeless

[megs4413]

I honestly don't know if this is a bitch or if I'm looking for advice or what, but I can't talk about this IRL with anyone and I need to talk about it. My DH doesn't get it at all.

I am estranged from my father. We were in contact about 16 months ago, but I haven't spoken to him since and our contact had been minimal for maybe 6 years before that. He was abusive to me as a child and he has a lot of issues. He hasn't been able to hold down a job (at least one that supports him) for probably my entire life. And now he's elderly...he has uncontrolled diabetes. The last time I saw him, his legs were purple from the knees down.

It has weighed on me very, very heavily for my entire adult life that one day he wasn't going to be able to support himself or care for himself. I'm a Christian, so I really thought I was going to need to step up regardless of his history with me, but the last time I saw him, he upset my kids and I realized that I had to protect them above all else since they are my ministry given to me by God in a very literal way (please don't criticize my belief system, I understand that other people believe differently.)

A couple years ago (or something? I'm fuzzy on the timeline because I have no contact with him, but my brother does) he was sued by his roommate and evicted from his home. My brother had a home that was vacant and he let our Dad move in. I thought it was a terrible idea at the time (since my dad was still capable of supporting himself at that time) but my brother said it was too hard on his conscience to turn him out on the street.

Now, my brother has a job offer in CA and they are offering to pay for his relocation including buying his house off of him. He wants to take it so he can be rid of the house. Of course, this means my father will have to be evicted and forcibly removed.

This isn't my problem, right? Like I need to let this go, but I am so torn up right now. My father is old enough to collect on his SS and have medicare, so even if he can't work....he'll find a home, right? I don't know how any of that works. I don't think it's helping me that this also means my brother is planning to move across the country. I'm so sad.

My Dh sees this as very black and white: your dad is a horrible person and deserves what he gets. But he's my Dad. It's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived it that you can't really divorce yourself emotionally as much as you try....it still hurts me when he doesn't call on my birthday. I don't even know why. I really thought I'd be over this by now. I'm a grown @$$ woman, but I still have a really bruised spot in this area. Can anyone relate?

Thanks for letting me get that out.

[sariana]

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t really know anything about it it, but I remember that my DH’s grandmother was angry that people who essentially were destitute got quality care while she had to shell out thousands of dollars a month for her care (because she had money). So there is some way to get access to care. I assume his state has some sort of resource you or your brother could consult.

You are right that you have to protect your children, and yourself. Do not let misguided feelings of guilt lead you into an obligation that puts your family’s emotional well being at risk.

[niccig]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. FIL’s dad was abusive too. FIL’s step-mom had him promise he would look after his dad before she died. He made sure he had an apartment, checked in on him, organized aged-care when needed, his dad had enough money to be self supporting. DH had very little to do with his grandfather deliberately, FIL kept kids away to protect them. Not saying you have to help, but you may find a way to help for your conscience but also protect you and your children.

Again, hugs. This is so difficult. Maybe discuss this with a close friend as DH may be too black and white for the discussion.


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[trcy]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was also estranged from my dad, totally different circumstances, and he passed away and I didn't find out until months later. I understand your feelings of guilt. But, from what you posted, he sounds like a destructive individual. Your priority is to your children. Don't look at it as turning your back on him, you are protecting them. Hugs to you!!!

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[o_mom]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. FIL’s dad was abusive too. FIL’s step-mom had him promise he would look after his dad before she died. He made sure he had an apartment, checked in on him, organized aged-care when needed, his dad had enough money to be self supporting. DH had very little to do with his grandfather deliberately, FIL kept kids away to protect them. Not saying you have to help, but you may find a way to help for your conscience but also protect you and your children.

Again, hugs. This is so difficult. Maybe discuss this with a close friend as DH may be too black and white for the discussion.

I think you could try to help with out having your kids or you in direct contact with him. I would see if you can help indirectly with gathering resources for him. If you can identify an agency that can provide a social worker to help him, that would be good. There are many programs to help elderly people connect with community resources and help them find housing, care, etc.

Ask your brother what the plan is - clearly if he is going to take the offer, he has thought about this. See what you can do to help your brother make that plan happen.

[doberbrat]

I'm so sorry. Add me to the list of people estranged from their fathers. You have to protect not only your children but yourself. Go for a visit - it will help you remember how awful it is. Connect with social services for the elderly. His dr can point you in the right direction. Give him the referrals and then let it go.

I can understand your wish to honor the commandment to 'honor your father' but IMO that covenant is broken when there is abuse. You can also forgive w/o forgetting and putting your kids and yourself at risk. I'd also recommend speaking to a professional about your feelings. They're normal for the situation but it doesnt mean that you dont need to work through them if that makes sense.

[BunnyBee]

I'm very sorry. Before you wade into the mess and go visit or get involved, you may want to check with an attorney as to whether that would get you stuck being responsible (filial responsibility laws). Being estranged and having zero contact could make a difference.

[nfceagles]

Oh hugs! That sounds very difficult. I think your only moral obligation is to be there emotionally and/or practically for your brother who must have similarly complicated feelings.

If his health is that bad I would think there are nursing facilities that would house him in exchange for any SS he has.


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[HannaAddict]

I'm very sorry. Before you wade into the mess and go visit or get involved, you may want to check with an attorney as to whether that would get you stuck being responsible (filial responsibility laws). Being estranged and having zero contact could make a difference.

I think you are an attorney, I am one too but not in elder law. I’ve never even heard of someone being responsible for adult parent unless you sign a lease for them etc. I’d love to know more if you have info as that is scary! But for OP, I’m not religious but agree she has a duty to protect her kids and herself. He hasn’t asked for her help, he’s an adult and can make his own decisions and has benefited from the niceness of his children despite his behavior. It is a grief process though. I wouldn’t get involved except to ask your brother if he knows if there is a plan. And I would consider talking to someone, a counselor or MSW, to work through the grief and guilt. I’m sorry, you are a nice person and it is good to care but you can’t save him and you need to protect yourself.


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[123LuckyMom]

I’m so sorry! I do understand how you feel. You do not have a moral obligation to care for him directly, to support him, or to house him. What might be helpful, though, is to make sure he is connected to services. Since he is indigent, he is eligible for many services. He can have his own social worker to help him navigate those services. He may choose not to cooperate or to take advantage, and that is his choice, but at least you can try, preferably with your brother’s help, to set the process in motion so they can get him into appropriate housing before he ends up with no home and also get him access to medical care. I would call Elder Services or a similar social service organization in your dad’s state and explain the situation. They will help you connect your dad to services. You don’t actually need to be involved personally except to make the calls. Perhaps your brother could talk to your dad about accepting the help. I think if you can try your best to make sure your father has access to getting his needs met while still protecting yourself and your family, you will have done all anybody could ask of you.


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