How can I change approach - DH and house maintenance

[niccig]

Not a bitch, as need advice to how to change my approach. Much of house maintenance coordination falls to me. I’m the list maker (my personality) and I grew up with parents that did all house repairs themselves with us kids helping as we got older. DH wants to just
rest on weekends. His job is busy, but I’m also out of house equal number of hours working some weeks (I do extra hours on top of regular 40 hour week) and I also bring work home. DH can’t bring work home and does have some long days.

DH hates when I list what needs to get done, and he doesn’t seem to notice things that need repair. He’ll help on a weekend, but it’s often reluctantly. I’m the driver with “let’s do this job this weekend.” It’s annoying as I’d like to sit and watch TV too, but the garage won’t clean itself, the gate won’t paint itself etc. I’m fine to potter around house on weekends whereas he wants to watch tv or go do something.

He’s fully engaged when it’s a project he wants e.g planning to redo backyard and install hot tub, he’s doing all the coordination with landscape designer and contractor. It’s the regular boring stuff he really doesn’t want to do. We do hire out for help when it’s big jobs, it’s the smaller things that we can do ourselves that I’m talking about. I try to get as much done on my breaks from school, but we still need to do things during school year.

Any advice?




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[SnuggleBuggles]

For us, the second I say I'm going to hire someone to do those chores, that's when he helps. He used to do be a weekend warrior and tackle all the projects. He just doesn't anymore so I get a bit bummed because I know he can do more than he does. But, I also know an extra kid and a more stressful job have really impacted my dh. So, we have used contractors more. In your case, I really think that's your best bet too. You can find people to do the small tasks. You'll feel better because you wont be nagging and your expectations will just be more in line with your reality. The time will come when you'll be back on track to do these chores yourselves but at this exact moment it sounds like these really not major chores are having more of a negative impact on your relationship than they should. Just pay someone and call it a day. Play hookie with dh and enjoy the stuff getting done while you enjoy a date together. Doesn't that just sound like a better option at this moment?

[anonomom]

I agree with Snuggle Bunnies. If you can afford it, hire a handyman to help out with ongoing maintenance.

This is maybe a silly question, but have you and DH talked about this? Does he think the work doesn't need to be done, or is he procrastinating? If it's a difference in priorities/tolerances, I'm afraid all you can do is decide what standard you want to maintain and work to get there (though it's totally fair to ask him for help). If he's a procrastinator, ask him how he suggests you both keep on top of the to-do list.

[specialp]

Will not help with hating lists, but I keep a list on the fridge of stuff that needs to be done and when it needs to be done by. (Almost all are seasonal stuff that needs to be done in certain seasons). He generally picks 3 a weekend and I do not care what or how or if the order makes sense to me. We all have moments of being energized and needing a break so not for me to comment on. But if it isn’t done by the time, I hire it out and he can't comment on if it was a good price, service, etc. I’ve only had to hire out a handful of things, but he knows if that’s a common occurrence it will cut into discretionary/fun things on budget which affects him as he loves vacations and has expensive hobbies. My DH doesn't hate lists and he really doesn't like feel like nothing was accomplished, but he works long hours and if without a list so much time would be wasted thinking and noting what needs to be done.

[specialp]

This is maybe a silly question, but have you and DH talked about this? Does he think the work doesn't need to be done, or is he procrastinating? .

Agree here, too. There have been times DH didn't agree something listed needed to be done and we talked about it. He's usually been right.

[carolinacool]

Niccig, get out of my head. I am dealing with the same thing with my DH. It's driving me crazy. It's a bit like SnuggleBuggles said in that he used to tackle projects with gusto, but he's really just falling off to where I really have to "nag" to get anything to happen. I kind of just want to call him lazy, but procrastinator is probably the more accepted term.

It's really frustrating because he makes a big show of it at the beginning of the project, usually going to buy whatever he needs. But then comes "I'll get started later today," or tomorrow, or whatever time is not then. Then he plops down on the couch with his iPhone and it's over and nothing happens later today. Or Tomorrow.

We really can't afford a handyman, but honestly, this is little stuff. We need to replace six boards on our fence. He's had them cut, they are in the garage. HANG THE DANG BOARDS.

I wish I had some advice.

[bisous]

My DH sounds a lot like yours! He will happily sleep in all day and watch movies! I"ve done a lot of things over the course of our marriage that haven't worked well. One thing that is working for us is to have a list made in advance of what we each want to get done on the weekend. I always make sure that I take into account the things he actually really wants to do. So in your DH's case maybe "sleep in and watch a move in the afternoon" might make the list? If they're there it helps my husband to actually buy in to the stuff I want to work on too. For us we've realized that our time together is very scarce and making a list together helps us to stay on top of ALL of our priorities. Even if some of them are just to relax together and have fun.

[DualvansMommy]

Kinda similar to us but for DH it really isn’t a prostrating issue as he works hard all week. He prefers to keep our weekends to do family stuff and sports, and now that I’m working 2x PT during week. It’s even more noticeable how weekends are becoming more sacred to us.

DH gets a huge ton of paid vacation; up to 7 weeks annually and he doesn’t always use them all up. In the past corporate allowed the employees to carry over 20 leftover into next year but they curtailed that to just 7 to carry over. He takes 5 days in spring and 5 days in the fall to do staycation while kids are in school to do all those little projects like hang up pictures, replace screen door, paint closets, etc all the odds and ends he just prefers not to do during weekends.

Is that something your DH can do?


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[niccig]

I will talk with DH about how to get things done and still balance relaxing. Would he prefer list on fridge and choose any 3 - I think that’s a good idea as then it’s not me verbally listing it. DH would hire out for everything and then still want to go on vacations etc, which then gets us into budget arguments. And I’d feel silly to hire handyman to put boxes up in rafters of the garage - I can’t reach so need DH to do it.

I don’t know if he doesn’t realize it needs to be done or just ignores it. Eg we have river rock shower floor that needs to be sealed yearly. After floor is cleaned, just wipe it on, takes 5 mins. I’m the one that remembers to do it and does it. We got company for maintenance on our wood windows and were told to rub orange oil in tracks 2x year - if I don’t do it, it won’t happen. He’ll complain about a window sticking, but won’t lubricate the tracks.


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[niccig]

Will not help with hating lists, but I keep a list on the fridge of stuff that needs to be done and when it needs to be done by. (Almost all are seasonal stuff that needs to be done in certain seasons). He generally picks 3 a weekend and I do not care what or how or if the order makes sense to me. We all have moments of being energized and needing a break so not for me to comment on. But if it isn’t done by the time, I hire it out and he can't comment on if it was a good price, service, etc. I’ve only had to hire out a handful of things, but he knows if that’s a common occurrence it will cut into discretionary/fun things on budget which affects him as he loves vacations and has expensive hobbies. My DH doesn't hate lists and he really doesn't like feel like nothing was accomplished, but he works long hours and if without a list so much time would be wasted thinking and noting what needs to be done.

So you would list something and a date by when it needs to be done? Is it organized monthly? I could do something similar and put bigger jobs for Summer or Winter break when I have more time. I don’t mind doing more when I’m in break, it’s the regular working weeks when I get tired too.




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