I'm just sad today (more PTA woes)

[anonomom]

If y'all can stand me whining about PTA some more, I need to vent.

I'd previously posted about our PTA board needed to make some structural changes and to bring more people in; something I've been working on but making only incremental progress. I was excited when we got a new Board member who was a working parent, because I thought she'd bring a much-needed perspective to the Board. I really like this lady -- she's funny, smart, has a ton of PTA experience, and the initial impression is that she would make a great team member. I was particularly looking forward to working with her to strengthen our PTA procedures and institutional knowledge, which, over the summer, she said she really wanted to help with.

But things just didn't work out. Right off the bat, she made it clear she wasn't available to attend PTA meetings/events during the school day, in the evenings, or on most weekends. Three months into the school year, she has missed probably 60% of our meetings and 100% of our events, and at some points had told us she's unavailable to help in any way at all for weeks or months at a time. So we finally had a difficult and awkward conversation about her place on the Board and how to move forward. By the end of that meeting, we thought we had come up with a plan that would mostly work for all of us, but later that night she quit the PTA entirely and sent an angry email to our President. In it, she chalked the whole thing up to us, as a Board, being hostile to working parents and parents with young kids. And it's clear that she is personally angry/offended with me in particular because I led the conversation.

So I'm sad today. For one thing, I'm going over and over our conversation in my mind trying to figure out what I could have done/said differently to not leave her so angry and hurt. I was absolutely terrified to have that conversation, I was shaking the whole time we were talking, and I'm aghast that she seems to think instead that I was bullying her (her words) and enjoying it.

And for another, she's totally right that our PTA Board needs to change how we do things -- the whole point of bringing her onto the board was to help us figure out better ways to reach out to all of our school families! But that very valid message is being completely lost in her aftermath. Because the reason things didn't work out for her wasn't that she had a job or young kids -- we do have parents with both that are great and valued helpers. It was that she wasn't willing/able to commit to helping in any way, at any time, for any reason, let alone to taking on the responsibilities of a board member. So I feel like everyone's focusing on that, and not on what we need to change about our own behavior. Rather than helping move us forward, I feel like this experience has pushed us as a PTA backward, which is just depressing.

If you've read this far, thanks. Sorry for rambling so long. I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

[BunnyBee]

If she couldn't attend meetings -ever- how on earth could you guys accommodate her? What a nightmare!

[123LuckyMom]

Some people just don’t see the world accurately, fail to take responsibility, and blame others for everything. It’s a shame you had to interact with one of those, but you need to let it go. If you don’t mind my offering some advice, maybe if there seems to be someone helpful like that again, you could enlist their help first, see how helpful and committed they really are, and then offer them a spot on the board after they’ve proved themselves a bit. Another option might be to enlist this person’s help on her own time, but maybe not as a member of the board. It’s too late now, and who knows if she’d even be able to commit to a cup of coffee let alone a role on the board. But next time, maybe test the waters with someone new before giving them a big role. That way you can avoid an awkward demotion. I’m sorry you ended up in this position. It’s not fun. But you aren’t to blame.


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[westwoodmom04]

Some people just don’t see the world accurately, fail to take responsibility, and blame others for everything. It’s a shame you had to interact with one of those, but you need to let it go. If you don’t mind my offering some advice, maybe if there seems to be someone helpful like that again, you could enlist their help first, see how helpful and committed they really are, and then offer them a spot on the board after they’ve proved themselves a bit. Another option might be to enlist this person’s help on her own time, but maybe not as a member of the board. It’s too late now, and who knows if she’d even be able to commit to a cup of coffee let alone a role on the board. But next time, maybe test the waters with someone new before giving them a big role. That way you can avoid an awkward demotion. I’m sorry you ended up in this position. It’s not fun. But you aren’t to blame.


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Very well said.

[TwinFoxes]

What did she see as her role on the board? Give her opinion on stuff via email? I actually might have given her a pass on the meetings, but she missed 100% of the events?

That being said, it's hard to make demands (no matter how nicely phrased) of volunteers. It pretty much always seems to end with the volunteer quitting.

[anonomom]

What did she see as her role on the board? Give her opinion on stuff via email? I actually might have given her a pass on the meetings, but she missed 100% of the events?

That being said, it's hard to make demands (no matter how nicely phrased) of volunteers. It pretty much always seems to end with the volunteer quitting.

We asked her that. She said she didn't know enough about our PTA to tell us what place she'd like, and that she wanted us to just keep asking her to help and she would let us know on a case-by-case basis if she could. Which was frustrating, because if she'd attended any meetings, she would have had a better idea of who we are and what we do.

We would absolutely have preferred to have vetted her more thoroughly before she joined the board. Unfortunately, that wasn't really an option. She was floor-nominated during our officer election and there were no other candidates, so we weren't in a position at that moment really to say no. And she came across really, really well in that initial meeting!

[pharmjenn]

It really sounds like this is on her. She made no effort to work with the boards schedule, and made herself unavailable not only during the day, but all evenings and weekends as well? Honestly, we have plenty of working parents on our PTA board, and on the different committees, who can not attend everything, but make an effort to move some things around (spouse does something, or grandparents etc so PTA member can help) and she didn't seem to try to do this.

[AnnieW625]

What did she see as her role on the board? Give her opinion on stuff via email? I actually might have given her a pass on the meetings, but she missed 100% of the events?

That being said, it's hard to make demands (no matter how nicely phrased) of volunteers. It pretty much always seems to end with the volunteer quitting.

As a working parent (with a crappy commute) yes to this. I am not on the PTA board at DD2’s school because we are new there so the opportunity hasn’t arisen yet, but if and when I decide to do it I will have to be up front about what I can and can’t do. I can’t go to an evening meeting that starts at 5:30 or even 6 and is done at 7. The earliest I can do is 6:30 and then all of the stars have to align so DH is home by 6:30 and the kids (12 and 8) aren’t left home for more than 30 minutes waiting for DH to get home because he works 30 miles away and cannot leave work until 5:30, and it takes him an hour to get home.

As an example tonight is the PTA art show is at 6. I leave work at 4:30 and get to my vanpool spot at 5:00. I have a 10 minute drive home and pick up Dd1 and will take her to ballet and she will be 20 minutes early or so for class. Then I have to drive 3 miles to DD2’s YMCA and pick her up by hopefully 5:45 and be at her school by 6, which is thankfully is across the street from the YMCA.

I know this is the bitching post, but has your board done something like Norms & Expectations: https://www.goldenburggroup.com/nonp...d-expectations (we do this through my local Junior League and it is soo helpful.....some leagues offer low cost training on this for local non profits). Here something they do through the JL of Charlotte, NC: https://www.jlcharlotte.org/get-on-board/ . I would’ve quit volunteering years ago had it not been for a system like this that my league has in place.

If you would prefer send me a PM. Good luck!


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[doberbrat]

Who joins a board when they know they cant attend meetings?? This is not on you OP

[SnuggleBuggles]

Who joins a board when they know they cant attend meetings?? This is not on you OP

Totally!

Agree w pp that meetings have to be set to accommodate. Ours are at 6:30-8pm w free pizza and childcare. No day time things unless all on the board/ committee are free during the day. Otherwise we accommodate even if just one person and meet in the evening.


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