Letting your child fail w/ consequences vs guiding/parenting them - UPDATE in #20

[jerseygirl07067]

Thanks everyone, OP here. It's amazing how kids of the same age are so different. I will say for my DD the phone is a HUGE distraction, and yes, if my DH had taken it away I am confident it would not have escalated as far as it did. Yes, kids will find a way to do nothing, but for my DD the phone is a huge productivity killer. When she doesn't have access to it, hw gets done MUCH faster. Adults are addicted to them, and that effect is even moreso with kids, imo, or at least with mine. The ability to self regulate is just not there

We had a long talk with DD, the rules are the phone is to be turned in, and once hw is done, she can have it back. Bedtime has been set for 11-1130, with a sharp line drawn at 1130pm with lights out and in bed. When asked for her input, she did not give any, so that is what we came up with and she agreed. Our family rule has always been to charge all devices in the kitchen and that will remain so.

This week has been better, but this is all still a work in progress. DD played in her soccer tournament and did okay, but then did get sick and missed monday and tuesday from school. So now she has a ton of work to make up. I'm hoping that in and of itself was a consequence for her. But unfortunately she did have to stay up late last night to finish it...again, more consequences

I have made an appt for my DH and I for marriage counseling, because this is an ongoing issue between the two of us that needs to be addressed. The different parenting styles are a part of it, but a lot of the anger on both of our ends stems from how we deal with having different opinons. It will be a win win all around to go, so that is what we are going to do.

Thanks everyone for listening and responding. I love the BBB, and I cannot believe I have been on here for over 15 years now!!!

[KpbS]

Great update, OP!

[hbridge]

When I was tutoring, my main message to ALL my students was to put the phone AWAY (and turn it off) when studying and doing homework. Also, do the homework that does not require technology first, then the research work, and then anything that required communication with classmates. So they were less likely to get sucked down the "rabbit hole". It is really hard to convince kids that they can "check out" of technology for a period of time. SO many feel that they must be available at ALL times! It was amazing how many actually had never even considered not having the phone next to them when studying...

Our culture has taught these kids that these devices are their "lifeline" and many don't even know they have the option to disconnect for a period of time.

Even during tutoring sessions, most were great at putting the phone away and leaving it there. However, a few would keep it on the desk...

OP, you are a great parent to discuss with your child and make sure she has a say. Even if she didn't say anything, you left the option open to revisit so she can get a feel for what will work for her. Makeup work is the WORST. Hopefully, that will get done quickly and painlessly and that she is feeling better soon.