Update post 43: Dd grabbed during swim team

[JustMe]

Almost 16 year old dd is on her school's swim team. Yesterday when I picked her up she told me that they were playing a game of "Minnows and Sharks" and a boy grabbed the part of her bathing suit near (near her crotch area) and pulled it really hard so that it snapped back and hurt her. She was in tears, and also had a lot of other difficult unrelated things happen yesterday. To complicate things further, this boy is her one and only ex-boyfriend and she was focused on that she did not know if he knew it was her or not when he did it. To me, the fact that he did it to anyone is not okay; although I am trying to discern if he would have known where on the bathing suit he was pulling and what the rules of this game are.

I immediately called the head coach, who told me she was not there that night (there are a few coaches, but this is the head coach and the only contact info I had). It was Friday night, and I acknowledged that...but she did answer her phone. I told her what happened and she was very low key about it. Possibly, she just was not in work mode or something like that.

So, wwyd? Dd agreed to calling the coach and we called her on speaker phone when I made the call.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Have you watched a game of sharks and minnows? I would wonder how intentional it was. It always seems like a mad scramble of just grabbing. I agree with involving the coach but I would ask dd if she thinks this boy did it on purpose.

[dogmom]

OK, first you are NOT overacting.

This is wrong. In fact there is a pedophile priest well know in my state whose conviction is for something just like this because that’s all the can get him on. This can be considered sexual assault. I’m not saying go out there and report this boy to the police right away. BUT I am saying keep this in your mind if someone starts with that boys will be boys crap. Don’t back down.

It doesn’t matter if he knew it was her or not. Try to frame it that way for your daughter. It will be tough on her and there might be blow back. But this is important. If anyone tells you to think of your daughter and let this matter drop I call BS. I would sit my daughter down and explain this might get ugly, but this behavior is not OK. You will need to wait to talk to coach that was there, but I’m unsure why the head coach cant give you some assurances now. It’s not like they will have seen anything. I think she should talk to you directly and take it seriously. Is there any way to take this up a level if she doesn’t? Is it school or a team? And if anyone says,well the boy didn’t mean it that way....The response should be, well when he’s a adult someone will take it that way and he needs to understand it’s not OK before then.

Ugh, my heart rate is up just thinking about this. I’m so sorry for your daughter and you. Please keep telling her she has a right to be upset by this. Girls do often think they are the ones that did something wrong when they see the fallout and people getting upset. BTW, I have a 16 yo son. Just asked him his opinion. He’s “Thays sexual assault and any kid my age that tells you they didn’t know it is wrong is lying or living in a cabin in the middle of no where.”

[dogmom]

Have you watched a game of sharks and minnows? I would wonder how intentional it was. It always seems like a mad scramble of just grabbing. I agree with involving the coach but I would ask dd if she thinks this boy did it on purpose.

Nope.
Any 16 yo boy is very aware of where a 16 yo girls crotch and breasts are. I’m pretty sure there is a portion of their brain dedicated to that at all times.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Nope.
Any 16 yo boy is very aware of where a 16 yo girls crotch and breasts are. I’m pretty sure there is a portion of their brain dedicated to that at all times.

I do agree but I am just saying that there's always a rush to assume the worst intentions, imo. I see more that than a brushing off of "boys will be boys". I am just saying that as a single action that I would be less quick to rush in and assume the worst. If it were my dd though I am sure I would go mama bear and make sure that everyone was aware that it was not ok, intentional or not.

[JustMe]

OP here- I honestly feel both ways about this. No, I have never seen a game of Sharks and Minnows and that is part of my question. I don't know if it was done intentionally or if the only thing that was intentional was him trying to pull someone out of his way; although clearly he grabbed a part of a girl's bathing suit and not her arm. OTOH; it was still done and is not okay.

To make things worse and more complicated, dd is in Latinex student union and members of that club, including her were bullied earlier yesterday..so she is just completely devastated about everything and I am figuring out the best way to support her.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Ok, so I talked to my swim team teen as well and while I think the game looks like a chaotic thrashing of bodies he says it isn't really. So, I would make sure and keep the dialogue with the coaches going. Escalate as needed.

[georgiegirl]

Is this USA swimming? If so, there are specific protocols that the coach need to follow or else she will in violation of USA swimming rules. (I’m a swim official, so I’ve had the athlete protection training.)

And it is not okay, and that kid should get in trouble. I can look up the protocols and let you know.


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[JustMe]

Is this USA swimming? If so, there are specific protocols that the coach need to follow or else she will in violation of USA swimming rules. (I’m a swim official, so I’ve had the athlete protection training.)

And it is not okay, and that kid should get in trouble. I can look up the protocols and let you know.


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Hmmn, I am not sure. Its a public school swim team. What makes something USA swimming?

SnuggleBuggles, what did your ds mean when he says it looks one way, but actually isn't? Does he mean there are certain rules? I didn't quite get the meaning of that.

[georgiegirl]

Hmmn, I am not sure. Its a public school swim team. What makes something USA swimming?

SnuggleBuggles, what did your ds mean when he says it looks one way, but actually isn't? Does he mean there are certain rules? I didn't quite get the meaning of that.

Well if it’s a public school swim team, then the public school rules would apply to sexual misconduct. I wouldn’t let it go and demand that the other kid get punished and perhaps the whole team needs a talk about sexual misconduct. What the F?


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