Complicated feelings

[basil]

I've posted before about my brother and SIL's pregnancy...I am posting in BP because I don't really need to be told again that I just need to MYOB and get over it, or that I'm a basket case and need therapy.

Anyway, it's a girl, they have a 2 year old girl, and I'm pretty sure they will stop now. I'm pretty sure that DB/SIL knew for about a week before they told us, and lied about it to my mom when their 2 year old told my 4 year old and she asked. But I understand that one may have complicated feelings about having a second girl when you know it is likely your last. I know I would have had pretty complicated feelings if my second had been a boy. And DB/SIL may not have wanted to celebrate with everyone just that yet, and that's ok.

I had been hoping for a boy for an altogether even more selfish reason. My 4 yo DD and my 2 yo DN are BEST friends. They are just so happy together and DN is like the little sister that DD will never have. I just imagine them as teens and beyond...I never had a sister. I know that you can't guarantee anything about their future relationship. Maybe they would grow up like my cousin and I, who are opposites and struggle to get along (though this was always the case).

But I can't help but feel like this new baby, DN's real sister, may take just a little bit of something away from DD's relationship with DN. And maybe I feel guilty and sad for the third kid I couldn't handle, who could have been another sibling for my kids, who could have filled their buckets even more.

I want to hear stories of how it's going to be even better for DD now that she'll have 2 baby girl cousins instead of just 1. And how love isn't a zero sum game.

I obviously can't tell these feelings to anyone else.

[jgenie]

Huge hugs. It can be really hard to let go of your ideal due to real life happening. I had always thought I would marry and settle near my family. I imagined my kids tearing through my moms house with their cousins on their tails every weekend. We live away from family so we make the most of the time we get with the cousins in the summer. It’s not what I had envisioned but it’s still great. The bonus of living away is we don’t get dragged in to the drama that comes with being right around the corner from each other. My kids are ecstatic when they get to see my family. They might still be the same if we lived close but I tell myself it wouldn’t be to this degree. I’m super close with a cousin even though she has a sister as do I. We vacation together and my kids think of her kids the same as their other cousins. You never know what the future will bring. I would just enjoy all that pink for now and not borrow trouble from the future.

[ellies mom]

Not totally the same but I’m going to share anyways. My oldest is a girl. We went back and forth on having a second for quite a while but honestly I would have been OK with just having the one. I loved my relationship with DD1. She was almost four when I got pregnant with our second. I wanted a boy because I was worried about how another daughter would effect my relationship with my oldest. I was disappointed to find out I was having another girl. I got over it but it turned out there was nothing to worry about. My second daughter is very different from my first so the relationship is different. It didn’t take anything away from it.

There is going to be a pretty big gap between your youngest and her youngest cousin. Right now the fact that it is a baby is going to be enough, boy or girl. As your daughter gets older, she isn’t going to be as interested in playing with a kid more than four years younger regardless of gender. Your older niece will be smack dab in the middle and generally a cool older cousin is going to trump annoying little sibling.

Your reactions are your reactions. They are valid feelings but you may be overthinking them a bit. Try to let of the hurt feelings from the various announcements go and just enjoy the fact that there is a new little one joining the family.


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[ged]

Your older niece will be smack dab in the middle and generally a cool older cousin is going to trump annoying little sibling.

This!! And your daughter may love having baby girl cousin. I have two girls, and my brother has a daughter (and son). His daughter is two years older than my DD1, and about 7 older than my DD2. Each of my DDs has a different relationship with the big girl cousin, and it's great. If anything, my niece and my DD2 play more together (remember, 7 year age gap), and my DD1 has more in common with my nephew. This is the status for now, though I see it changing in the future as well.