Your son needs YOU, not us.

[gatorsmom]

I just need to bitch a little and I can’t really talk about it more with DH. It’s his deal, he needs to solve this but it frustrates me.

For the last 4 summers my nephew, W, from the other side of the country visits us. He usually stays for 3-5 weeks. His mother asked originally if he could come because he’s an only child, they live out in the country, and both his parents work full time- both run departments where they work. He’s a bit of a handful because he has ADHD but doesn’t take his medication in the summer to give himself a break. But he’s a sweet kid, very loving, goofy and playful and gets along well with our family members. He’ll follow the rules for the most part but does whine when he doesn’t get his own way. He doesn’t have a job, isn’t involved in any extracurricular activities as far as I can tell and his parents won’t let him get his drivers license until he gets his grades up which he’s unmotivated to do. He hasn’t said anything about whether or not he wanted to stay with us this summer yet.

Yesterday dh dropped this bomb on me. His sister, W’s mother, knows we have been planning for the last year to spend our spring break in Steamboat Sorings. Except for me, everyone in our family are excellent skiiers and love the sport. The place we rent had a charming little creek that runs outside it and we are walking distance from the ski school so I am looking forward to sitting in front of the fire catching up on reading with no interruptions while they are out skiing during the day. The bomb DSIL dropped was a text asking if W could come stay with us in Steamboat. She said she would buy him the airfare, ski rentals and everything he needs. Even though W has never skiied now he can try, she said and he wouldn’t need his own room. He could just sleep on the couch of our condo!

Well, no, he can’t just sleep on the couch or our condo. I know exactly would happen. W won’t do anything that makes him look awkward as he demonstrates every summer. He will not spend more than 1 hour skiing and then he will come and spend all his time on his cell phone on the sofa alone in the condo with me. And the real problem here isn’t W crashing our family party. The real problem is that his parents should take him on a spring break vacation. He needs to spend time with them, not us. They need to use some of the vacation time they have stored and finally spend some time with their son who is 17 now and is about to leave home. They have plenty of money. They just need to prioritize their son over their jobs, for once. My heart aches for that poor kid.

Of course, if I say no, I’ll be made to be the bad guy here. Never mind that I am happy to have W stay with us each summer. Ironically, DSIL and Dh’s younger brother M is bringing HIS family to Steamboat at the same time we are. So maybe DSIL thought that all the cousins were getting together skiing and she didn’t want W to miss out on that. But why not ask them to host W? He spends more time with them than us (they live closer to him). And they aren’t serious skiiers either. We have hosted their kids for the last couple of summers and they never want to leave their rooms. They spend all day in their rooms texting friends. So W would fit right in. And Dh had the idea that W could come with his grandfather, DFIL who is a complete a$$hole and they should stay in a hotel together. Well, goodie. DFIL is going to want to get everyone together in the evenings for dinner and guess where that will be? He always wants to get the family together. They are all nice enough people except for him. I was just hoping for our little family to have a fun, peaceful time to ourselves.

Ugh, I just wanted this to be our family vacation. I was looking forward to it. Now it is going to be the “whole family show” with cousins and ILs. We hadn’t even planned to see M and his family much while they are there. I think we were only going out to dinner one night with them. And if W stays with them, that would still be the case which would be fine. But if FIL gets involved, or if DH says ok to W staying with us, everything will change. Grrr.

[trentsmom]

Oh, that would tick me off! I'll tell them "no" for you. And "no" to everyone getting together more than once. This is your family's vacation. Nephew can come see you this summer if he wants to. And they want him to sleep on the couch? So that inconveniences everyone else in the condo? Heck, no. No, no, no. (I must be in a mood today! )

[petesgirl]

I would say no also! Something like we will be happy to see W over the summer sometime but we reserve spring break vacations just for immediate family." Or maybe "That won't work for us this year, have you asked M?"
If it turns out that W and FIL both end up coming then I would be tempted tell DH I'm out, I'm taking a vacation somewhere else, or just staying home (which also feels like a vacation to me!)

ETA: taking care of someone else's teen for 3-5 weeks is a lot!! How is he not old enough to manage on his own while his parents work?

[jgenie]

Add me to the no team! Sorry - vacations are already lots of work throwing in an extra moody teen wouldn’t work for me.

[Melbel]

I would be inclined to say no too. Something on the lines of "sorry it won't work this time, but we look forward to having him again this summer". Hopefully they haven't gotten W's hopes up already though. In addition to the very valid concerns you mentioned, having someone sleep on the couch makes it difficult to make coffee in the mornings or hang out in the evenings if he wants to sleep.

Skiing is also a higher risk activity and injuries are common. My daughter blew out her ankle on day 2 skiing last year, which completely changed what we could and could not do. We had pricey passes that went unused due to her injury.

[SnuggleBuggles]

A "no" with no extra rationale is needed. Your plans are set. Maybe let them know that their whole family is welcome to book arrangements that week too and you would love to see the parents that week too...

[doberbrat]

So no one will be able to have any adult time b/c he's sitting on the couch 24/7? How are you supposed to watch TV etc?

The liability of taking a 17yo skiing for the 1st time for a week when you're all experienced skiers would give me pause as well. He's not going to be able to go on the same trails as you - he'll have to go on the bunny slope alone or he will demand to try with you and get hurt.

[123LuckyMom]

I wouldn’t be willing to take responsibility for a 17 year old non-skier, completely apart from all the other issues. Skiing is a dangerous sport, injuries are common, and it’s much harder to learn as a tall adult-ish person than as a young child. If their argument is that he can stay in the condo and not ski, that’s not okay either, because you don’t have enough space, and you want some privacy. Having a guest on the couch gives nobody the privacy they need. I’d definitely say no. You do more than enough taking him for half the summer every year. Just say no, and let the chips fall where they may. If they’re upset with you, so be it. This was a vacation you planned around the needs of your nuclear family, not intending to interact with extended family. Maybe next time, when you’ve had the opportunity to plan with an extra family member in mind, their son can come, but this time, you need to take the vacation you’ve already booked around the specific needs of your nuclear family. You just can’t accommodate another person this time.


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[georgiegirl]

I agree with everyone. It’s okay to say no and set boundaries. There are numerous reasons that others have cited above

[essnce629]

I agree with everyone. It’s okay to say no and set boundaries. There are numerous reasons that others have cited above

Yep, that would be a hard pass from me too! I'd tell them there's still availability if they'd like to book their own spring break family vacation at the same spot!

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