Are you in a much different financial position than your siblings & parents?

[Globetrotter]

Actually, on DH’s side there is some variation, so when we do joint vacations we follow their lead. Even though we are better off, we aren’t extravagant.

We actually have this issue with a couple of close friends. We are in different groups and do joint trips once In a while. we have to be conscious of choosing places that suit everyone’s budget. I’ve noticed that these friends bow out of some joint trips, which is understandable, but we try to keep the spending under control. Not that we are into extravagance anyway…

[ged]

I totally relate to OP. My younger brother has significantly outpaced us all, and I grew up with an uncle (...and my cousins...) who significantly outpaced others. It wasn't too hard for me growing up with rich cousins, since it was just "them," and I could write it off as "them." Now, it seems harder to me, since it's my brother and his wife who have it all, and I cannot come even close to providing for my kids in the same way. And my kids seems to be a bit more jealous (esp. my oldest). I don't think there's much that can be done, really. I am slowly learning to be more thankful for what I have and hope to instill that in my kids. I also actively try to speak positively about my brother/family, instead of complaining/comparing (though I have to admit it's a challenge at times).

[SnuggleBuggles]

I didn't read OP's post as being competitive or comparing for the sake of it. I think it's about the shared experiences and even values that might change if close family end up in different economic classes. Can you take vacations together if you're watching pennies and in your sibling's case, money is no object? You might be fine staying in motels or camping, whereas they want to stay in a high-end all-inclusive. Same with eating out, or gifts to each other. It is a serious question. I think my recommendation would be to stick to what you can afford, spend within your means, and count on them to be understanding. The cousins will be fine - I had some cousins who were far wealthier than I was as a kid, and we always got along just fine. Sadly, in their case, family wealth ended up handicapping them more than helping them (no motivation to strike out on their own or pursue ambitions, everything had been far too easy in their life). But we are still close!

That way of reading it makes a lot more sense!!

OP, I think that there comes a point where family vacations and other $$ activities just aren't a thing. Host gatherings that work for your budget if the alternative is a too costly meal out. Many, many, many families don't do those sorts of activities together at all!

[Philly Mom]

I didn't read OP's post as being competitive or comparing for the sake of it. I think it's about the shared experiences and even values that might change if close family end up in different economic classes. Can you take vacations together if you're watching pennies and in your sibling's case, money is no object? You might be fine staying in motels or camping, whereas they want to stay in a high-end all-inclusive. Same with eating out, or gifts to each other. It is a serious question. I think my recommendation would be to stick to what you can afford, spend within your means, and count on them to be understanding. The cousins will be fine - I had some cousins who were far wealthier than I was as a kid, and we always got along just fine. Sadly, in their case, family wealth ended up handicapping them more than helping them (no motivation to strike out on their own or pursue ambitions, everything had been far too easy in their life). But we are still close!

I get that values/experiences may change, but again, I think about it as perspective. And I get the feeling of being left out especially if you have multiple siblings who are able to do something without you. In those instances, you can suggest some things that feel comfortable for you. If they insist on doing something beyond your means, then they are to blame. I had cousins that had unlimited wealth. My parents always said, money can't buy love. We did not do anything together and that was fine. Their values did not line up with my parents. My aunt still makes comments that make me shake my head in what she values.

[DualvansMommy]

It's a matter of having perspective and being realistic and your own goals as a family too. For us, our goals meant we send our kids to public schools so we can fully fund our retirement and beyond, fund our boys college 100% and take 3-4 vacations a year, DH's brother has 5 kids and chose to send them all to private schooling from K-12th plus expensive private college which meant they never take a vacation unless it's free or funded by someone else, and still take out some loans for kids college while paying some, retirement wouldn't be as fully flush but enough to live frugally. I'm an only child and all of my cousins on my mom side really vary from making it to solidly comfortable lifestyle, whereas DH's cousins are all quite wealthy but we still get together and celebrate together in different ways without spending excessively.

For us it works since we prefer to vacation solo or with close friends instead of with our either side of family. We also don't consider time spending with either set of grandparents as vacation time, but rather as spending time together as a family whether here staying in my home or visiting them at their home.

[vludmilla]

We are in a much better financial position than my sister. It is an exceptionally dramatic difference (we take multiple trips a year, 3 weeks in Europe, spring break and Christmas break we fly somewhere). Our kids do lots of activities (private music lessons, special camps...) We have secure jobs (both doctoral level school/child psychs) with the ability to earn more as needed (evening private practice if we want). We own a home in a HCOL area and my sister lives in the small 2 BR home of her boyfriend's grandmother. My sister has been inconsistently employed and divorced. She has her best job yet working at the post office in an entry level job.
I could go on and on about the remarkable discrepancies in the lives that my sister and I lead as it is not just financial (i.e. I have a nice husband, she is divorced. I don't have health problems and am aging well whereas she is sickly and requires a zillion medications. I am naturally thin and tall whereas she is very overweight. It really is not fair at all and I have been grappling with the vastness of the discrepancy between our relative fortune for many years. I just try my best to focus on things that have nothing to do with money (our children, relations with our parents, etcetera). I value her as my sister and her financial situation only bothers me in that I wish she was more comfortable. I try not to be flashy about things that relate to money and I never expect her to behave as if she has money that she doesn't.
I guess I would suggest focusing on the values that you share and not the level of wealth discrepancy. I have done well financially but I grew up the same as my sister (working class) and I certainly don't value money above all else.

[bisous]

It’s a little hard. Really the fortune span between my siblings, DHs siblings and ourselves is not really that dramatic. We’re all middle class. We all have degrees and are relatively professional. Except for my unmarried sister, all the women are basically SAHMs.

What really holds DH and I back is our student loan debt. Because of that we are very frugal. We say no to a lot of things. I know at least one of DHs siblings is in a worse position than we are and has a tremendous amount debt (some student loans, some consumer debt). They join in. We choose not to for now.

A good example was the SIL Europe trip last spring. I was paying off debt and while I was invited to Paris and London there is no way that I could really go. On top of that, I’ve been to Paris and lived in France, unlike my SILs. It wasn’t a need. Initially it wasn’t even that hard to say no. (Though my SILs are my best friends!) But opening Facebook that week was painful. I do wish I could have shared those memories with them, though I dont regret my decision.

Even little things like my SILs Bday party last week was dinner out + a pedicure + a gift and I had to pick only one part of that because it’s outside my budget to do BOTH dinner and a pedicure. The good thing is we all love to hike and that’s free! I feel like we’ll be in a better position some day and in the meantime we’re making it work!