Help me understand tween (mean) girl dynamics...

[hbridge]

As you described, this is not "mean girl" behavior. HOWEVER, that does not mean there is not something going on under the surface...

That being said, one of the best things about "town pools" is that the kids can work on social skills at their own comfort level. I would just assume that you daughter did not really want to "break into" the social group when you first arrived. However, I would ask her about it a day later. A simple "I notice you didn't go right over and play with X,Y,Z at the pool yesterday. Is something going on?". With my DD, I would probably get a "I wanted to work on my diving" or something...

You can advise her, but please do not get involved in the moment unless she asks you to.

[TwinFoxes]

I encouraged DD to go into the bathroom for a minute, say hi and ask what they were up to. DD refused I told her she didn’t have to necessarily hang out with them, but at least say hi and make conversation for a minute or two.

I somehow missed this 2nd post earlier. I'm definitely more of an extrovert but I'm with your daughter here. It would have been super awkward IMO for her to just pop up in the bathroom. Following people to the bathroom is not a way to make friends!

[123LuckyMom]

You are so right, OP, to recognize that you need to stop projecting your feelings or opinions into your DD! She handled herself perfectly, and it worked out as it should. She knows the dynamics in her peer group better than you do, and you’re right to realize it’s important for you to trust her instincts and resulting behavior. You want her to recognize that not everyone will want to be her friend, and that that’s okay. People are allowed not to like her, and she’s allowed not to like others. In neither instance is that something that needs to be overcome or corrected, and in neither instance does that mean that there’s anything wrong with the unliked person. Liking is simply a matter of taste, and not everyone likes every food, or every movie, or every person, and sometimes there are periods of time when that item is a favorite and other times when they’re the opposite. It doesn’t mean others won’t like them or that they are unlikable or that the disfavor is permanent. The last thing you would want to do, OP, is suggest to your daughter that the reason these other girls are not her BFFs is because of something she is or isn’t doing right. That shifts the message from “It’s okay if you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. Look for the people who appreciate you” to “If only you would be friendlier or different than you are and overcome your instincts and try to convince them otherwise, those girls would be your friends.” Of course, I’m exaggerating, but it’s always better not to reinforce the idea that if people don’t like you, you’re the problem. Sometimes that may be true if your behavior is unkind, but most of the time, it’s not. It’s just a matter of taste. Your daughter had good instincts, and the situation resolved in the best possible way. Keep trusting her to know how to navigate her social world. She’s got this!


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[westwoodmom04]

You are so right, OP, to recognize that you need to stop projecting your feelings or opinions into your DD! She handled herself perfectly, and it worked out as it should. She knows the dynamics in her peer group better than you do, and you’re right to realize it’s important for you to trust her instincts and resulting behavior. You want her to recognize that not everyone will want to be her friend, and that that’s okay. People are allowed not to like her, and she’s allowed not to like others. In neither instance is that something that needs to be overcome or corrected, and in neither instance does that mean that there’s anything wrong with the unliked person. Liking is simply a matter of taste, and not everyone likes every food, or every movie, or every person, and sometimes there are periods of time when that item is a favorite and other times when they’re the opposite. It doesn’t mean others won’t like them or that they are unlikable or that the disfavor is permanent. The last thing you would want to do, OP, is suggest to your daughter that the reason these other girls are not her BFFs is because of something she is or isn’t doing right. That shifts the message from “It’s okay if you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. Look for the people who appreciate you” to “If only you would be friendlier or different than you are and overcome your instincts and try to convince them otherwise, those girls would be your friends.” Of course, I’m exaggerating, but it’s always better not to reinforce the idea that if people don’t like you, you’re the problem. Sometimes that may be true if your behavior is unkind, but most of the time, it’s not. It’s just a matter of taste. Your daughter had good instincts, and the situation resolved in the best possible way. Keep trusting her to know how to navigate her social world. She’s got this!


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This is excellent advice! Having recently gone through this stage with my oldest, friendship groups are very fluid in middle school. I wouldn’t put too much thought as to why dd might want to be with a certain girl one month and not be interested a month later, or vice versa. Kids are also starting to care more about compatibility and shared interests than in elementary. Lastly, kids mature at different rates and that can affect friendships.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I somehow missed this 2nd post earlier. I'm definitely more of an extrovert but I'm with your daughter here. It would have been super awkward IMO for her to just pop up in the bathroom. Following people to the bathroom is not a way to make friends!

So true! OP- you need to let your dd figure out how she wants to navigate things. Don't push her. She'll find the people she's comfortable with. And it might evolve and change these next few years! Ds1's social group really evolved between 6-8th grade.

You are so right, OP, to recognize that you need to stop projecting your feelings or opinions into your DD! She handled herself perfectly, and it worked out as it should. She knows the dynamics in her peer group better than you do, and you’re right to realize it’s important for you to trust her instincts and resulting behavior. You want her to recognize that not everyone will want to be her friend, and that that’s okay. People are allowed not to like her, and she’s allowed not to like others. In neither instance is that something that needs to be overcome or corrected, and in neither instance does that mean that there’s anything wrong with the unliked person. Liking is simply a matter of taste, and not everyone likes every food, or every movie, or every person, and sometimes there are periods of time when that item is a favorite and other times when they’re the opposite. It doesn’t mean others won’t like them or that they are unlikable or that the disfavor is permanent. The last thing you would want to do, OP, is suggest to your daughter that the reason these other girls are not her BFFs is because of something she is or isn’t doing right. That shifts the message from “It’s okay if you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. Look for the people who appreciate you” to “If only you would be friendlier or different than you are and overcome your instincts and try to convince them otherwise, those girls would be your friends.” Of course, I’m exaggerating, but it’s always better not to reinforce the idea that if people don’t like you, you’re the problem. Sometimes that may be true if your behavior is unkind, but most of the time, it’s not. It’s just a matter of taste. Your daughter had good instincts, and the situation resolved in the best possible way. Keep trusting her to know how to navigate her social world. She’s got this!


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Really great advice!

This is excellent advice! Having recently gone through this stage with my oldest, friendship groups are very fluid in middle school. I wouldn’t put too much thought as to why dd might want to be with a certain girl one month and not be interested a month later, or vice versa. Kids are also starting to care more about compatibility and shared interests than in elementary. Lastly, kids mature at different rates and that can affect friendships.

The maturity thing is big, especially in middle school. Some kids will start to be more interested in dating while others still aren't. Groups tend to splinter off and reform based on things like that but also just interests and personality. It's hard as an extrovert to parent an introvert- btdt. But, I've let him chart his course as best I can (not saying I don't have occasional suggestions from the peanut gallery...) and he has developed such a fantastic group of friends. Hang in there. Know that introverts can be plenty happy on their own too- being alone doesn't mean lonely.