Anyone dealing with a narcissistic parent?

[flashy09]

These stories are incredible and I am going to read the definition of a narcissist because I think my MIL is one. I have posted before about the horrific things she has done, but on a lighter note, the gift issues are her to a t! She likes to "re gift" her gifts as she gets them. So I will give her a scarf, she hands it to my SIL saying it suits her much more. Or she produces a rip roaring snort of laughter like it was a gag gift and leaves it on the table, even when it was a well thought out, appropriate present.

[niccig]

These stories are incredible and I am going to read the definition of a narcissist because I think my MIL is one. I have posted before about the horrific things she has done, but on a lighter note, the gift issues are her to a t! She likes to "re gift" her gifts as she gets them. So I will give her a scarf, she hands it to my SIL saying it suits her much more. Or she produces a rip roaring snort of laughter like it was a gag gift and leaves it on the table, even when it was a well thought out, appropriate present.

Welcome to the club! This is not a normal reaction to getting a gift!


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[California]

HelloKitty, your story really broke my heart for that loving little girl who gave a thoughtful gift only to have it sit unopened for years. This must be a mental illness- something significant is missing in the thought process of a parent who can be that cruel to a child. After going though those childhood experiences, how wonderful that your DH gives you thoughtful gifts. I love that. If his gifts remind you that he sees you and cares about you, and you feel loved, that’s a way better response than gushing.

[niccig]

Ladies, wow, the stories about the gifts. That is SO relatable. I don't know how many times gifts that were thoughtfully picked for the narc were basically rejected with icy glee by the narcs that I know. I think that the worst of the stories was when we were all young kids, like lower elementary age, we picked out a cologne for my father that he liked to wear. We wrapped it up for christmas and were so excited for him to open it. He literally REFUSED to open it, knowing that we were excited to see him open it. He put it on a table in his bedroom, still completely wrapped and with ribbon all around it (I had wrapped it). That thing sat on that table, gathering a nasty layer of dust for close to 20 years, until one day I was home from college, saw it in my parents' bedroom, the ribbon had started to shred on its own and was falling off and threw it into the trash. I remember being so angry throwing it away, remember exactly how it felt giving him that gift and having him proudly reject it. He left it there as a reminder all of these years, a smug reminder that he is the one in control and if he is mierable, everyone else should be miserable with him and that he would not allow joy into this family.

The worst thing is the double standard. He is an infamously BAD gift giver, he only picks things that HE likes or picks gifts that are an insult to you. As a kid, 3 christmases in a row I got the SAME dictionary (new copies) as my, "gift." He told me it was bc I was bad at spelling. I am not bad at spelling, do you know who sucks at spelling? HIM! Talk about projection. However, his gifts were either completely inappropriate things that a 40 year old man bought for himself and got bored with, so gave to his daughter, or else insulting gifts (he gave me diet pills once, telling me that I was fat, how I didn't end up with a full blown eating disorder, I do not know, bc I was chronically made to feel bad about being fat when I was NOT fat). So, he gives you a totally ****ty gift and then he expects you to act like you should forever be indebted to him. It got to the point that I stopped getting him any gifts at all, bc it seemed as if the highlight of him receiving a gift was for him to somehow make it plainly obvious to us just how much he loathed it. Christmas and birthdays were not exciting for me as a child, I learned not to expect anything nice, it was not a matter of our family not being able to afford things, my dad was a physician! It was knowing that I should just brace myself for disappointment. Weirdly, I married a man who is an absolutely WONDERFUL gift giver and bc of my upbringing, gifts are not my love language, I love the thought he puts into his gifts, but do not gush over them the way that other women would.

I have a nmil who is the same exact way, who has literally handed gifts right back at me, saying she hates it, right to my face. However, she forces gifts upon us that we did not want or ask for and that aren't even thoughtful and in her mind we, "owe" her. We no longer give her any gifts and she is pissed as hell about it, but once again I am not giving her the opportunity and evil glee to use what should be a kind gesture and **** all over it. I also do not take her gifts that she tries to force onto us (she gives us things that she ruined or doesn't want... so as you can imagine they are not, "good" gifts. Hell no, I do not want the wool gloves that you shrank down to the size for a 2 year old child, when all of my kids are upper elementary aged and older!!!) and tries to entrap us into a feeling of obligation to her. My own mother has done things like this before as well and I used to think that it was just bc they were of an older generation, but I realize that I know people their age who do NOT do this... it is NOT normal, nor is it kind, even if they somehow think that they deserve, "credit" for giving us something that was so obviously just self-serving on their part and plainly not thoughtful for the other person.

They are selfish, manipulative and stingy people and I've always thought that the way they give and receive gifts is very telling. It does not take much to be gracious, but to go out of the way to be an ogre about it... that is very intentional.

Your DH sounds like mine. He gives wonderful gifts and puts thought into it. I’m not the best at gift-giving probably because it wasn’t valued. I used to think DH overdid it, but now I think it’s a normal behavior. I’m glad your DH can give you thoughtful gifts, you deserve to be treated that way.


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