Anyone dealing with a narcissistic parent?

[newnana]

It's taken me too long to reply to your thread because it hits so close to home. I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

The universe is telling me to reply to you. We had guests over the weekend and one pulled out a china mug I keep at the far back of the cabinet. She commented how pretty it is. I just thanked her but oh that cup.

My siblings and I walked all over our tiny town in the heat of summer trying to find the perfect present for mom when I was in 6th grade. Mom collects china cups and saucers of which I spent most of my childhood dusting and polishing the shelves. Since we were only conceived to be her built in audience, she's taught us forever how to know fine china. We thought we'd find a nice cup an saucer for her collection with the tiny bit of money we had. We walked miles in the heat and found nothing. Finally we came across a lovely mug that was very nice, but not a cup and saucer. It was our last hope and actually fit the "fine china" criteria. We bought it and gave it to her. She hated it. Stuck it in the back of one of her china cabinets and when I left for college gave it to me to: 1. Get it out of my house; 2. Remind me that I'll never be good enough.

Why do I keep that thing? I don't know why I did before, but now it's a visual reminder of what I'm protecting my kiddo from. Every time I get some crazy idea that we should go visit or DD should hang out with Grandma, I see that mug and it reminds me that I wouldn't keep anyone else in my life or expose my kiddo to that behaved so heinously to us. Since the beginning of our relationship, DH has said that I wouldn't let anyone else treat us this way and just because she gave birth to me doesn't give her the right to. But nothing quite says it like that stupid mug.

Someone else will always be to blame for her unhappiness and she's always looking for someone to blame and always unhappy. If there is a bright side to any of this, DD witnessing her narcissism has been a major growing experience for her and her own self-reflection on who she wants to be. When she was little, Grandma talking the whole time on the phone about herself was just Grandma talking to her. Now that she's fully aware that it's never about DD, I do let her choose whether or not she wants to be on the phone. We haven't visited in 4 years and she will never come to me because I'm the one that chose to leave.

These are her problems, not mine. I've had lots of therapy to deal with my issues about her. As everyone else is saying, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Mom loves to push my buttons. I don't share anything with her anymore, which is easy since she never asks.

I don't think there is any useful addition in my post other than, you are not alone, it's not you, and hang in there. Sending good vibes your way.

[niccig]

It's taken me too long to reply to your thread because it hits so close to home. I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

The universe is telling me to reply to you. We had guests over the weekend and one pulled out a china mug I keep at the far back of the cabinet. She commented how pretty it is. I just thanked her but oh that cup.

My siblings and I walked all over our tiny town in the heat of summer trying to find the perfect present for mom when I was in 6th grade. Mom collects china cups and saucers of which I spent most of my childhood dusting and polishing the shelves. Since we were only conceived to be her built in audience, she's taught us forever how to know fine china. We thought we'd find a nice cup an saucer for her collection with the tiny bit of money we had. We walked miles in the heat and found nothing. Finally we came across a lovely mug that was very nice, but not a cup and saucer. It was our last hope and actually fit the "fine china" criteria. We bought it and gave it to her. She hated it. Stuck it in the back of one of her china cabinets and when I left for college gave it to me to: 1. Get it out of my house; 2. Remind me that I'll never be good enough.

Why do I keep that thing? I don't know why I did before, but now it's a visual reminder of what I'm protecting my kiddo from. Every time I get some crazy idea that we should go visit or DD should hang out with Grandma, I see that mug and it reminds me that I wouldn't keep anyone else in my life or expose my kiddo to that behaved so heinously to us. Since the beginning of our relationship, DH has said that I wouldn't let anyone else treat us this way and just because she gave birth to me doesn't give her the right to. But nothing quite says it like that stupid mug.

Someone else will always be to blame for her unhappiness and she's always looking for someone to blame and always unhappy. If there is a bright side to any of this, DD witnessing her narcissism has been a major growing experience for her and her own self-reflection on who she wants to be. When she was little, Grandma talking the whole time on the phone about herself was just Grandma talking to her. Now that she's fully aware that it's never about DD, I do let her choose whether or not she wants to be on the phone. We haven't visited in 4 years and she will never come to me because I'm the one that chose to leave.

These are her problems, not mine. I've had lots of therapy to deal with my issues about her. As everyone else is saying, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Mom loves to push my buttons. I don't share anything with her anymore, which is easy since she never asks.

I don't think there is any useful addition in my post other than, you are not alone, it's not you, and hang in there. Sending good vibes your way.

I’m sorry this hits close to home and your mom didn’t appreciate your gift to her. My grandmother did same thing with gifts.. “here take this I never liked it.” We would only give her things we liked as knew we would get them back. This is my mum’s mother, so no surprises there.

I really relate to being “her built in audience” and never asking questions. Mum doesn’t have a conversation, she has a lecture. I noticed that when I made a comment or asked a question, she didn’t even acknowledge it, she just kept on talking!

On the phone she just lists what they’re doing, then hands the phone to dad. She never asks any questions. She never calls, I have to initiate the phone call. DS was in hospital for 2 days and she never called to ask how he was. When we were there she missed a phone call from my sister and quickly ran outside to call her back (better phone reception outside). My therapist explained mum needs a project and my 2 sisters are at places in their lives where they need/want her involvement (both recently single) and one sister calls her everyday.. she responds to being needed ... and in control.. she tells them what to do. I don’t do that with her.

I’ll keep reminding myself “her problems, not mine”, that’s a good mantra.


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[anonomom]

This is veering off topic, but these last two posts had me going “OMG! My mom too!” My mom also wouldn’t ever call, because she wasn’t the one who had moved away so it wasn’t her job. Or because it was the kids’ job to call/visit.

My mom’s gift shenanigans were more creative. She always figured out what we’d gotten her, then the day before whatever occasion it was, she’d say causally “I hope you didn’t get me [whatever we’d gotten], because I really don’t want anything like that.” The first few times she did it, I was crushed because l’d so much thought and effort into getting her a great present. (In later years, I had my petty revenge: I would spend hours finding just the right passive aggressive greeting cards for her. My very favorite said “I am the person I am today because of the kind of mom you are.”)

At some point, we probably need an “awful mom stories” thread.

[niccig]

This is veering off topic, but these last two posts had me going “OMG! My mom too!” My mom also wouldn’t ever call, because she wasn’t the one who had moved away so it wasn’t her job. Or because it was the kids’ job to call/visit.

My mom’s gift shenanigans were more creative. She always figured out what we’d gotten her, then the day before whatever occasion it was, she’d say causally “I hope you didn’t get me [whatever we’d gotten], because I really don’t want anything like that.” The first few times she did it, I was crushed because l’d so much thought and effort into getting her a great present. (In later years, I had my petty revenge: I would spend hours finding just the right passive aggressive greeting cards for her. My very favorite said “I am the person I am today because of the kind of mom you are.”)

At some point, we probably need an “awful mom stories” thread.

It is cathartic to read the posts and realize you’re not the only one with a crazy mother.

Food - I bet you all have controlling stories about food!

Mum cooks for more people than are present, doesn’t want leftovers and tries to get you to eat more. I was serving up dessert and got ordered to put more on everyone’s plate, there was no way 6 of us were going to eat the huge dessert, and I refused saying we could have it the next night too. She gets upset if you don’t eat all the food on your plate. She told DS she wouldn’t be his friend unless he drank all his chocolate milk - it was an adult size serving and he was about 5, got pissed that he came and told me and I told him he didn’t have to, ranted about the waste and I told her to make a smaller serving as he was a small kid.

If you cook in her kitchen you have to do things exactly how she tells you. I will only help her cook as if you do most of cooking it’s criticized. This last visit I got yelled out for not cooking a meal. I told her it was because she yells at you when you do. I helped prepare every meal and helped cleanup afterwards as did DH and DS. That didn’t count as helping.


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[anonomom]

Oddly, mine did not have food control issues. She was controlling in other ways, particularly with regard to the house. She made it clear that it was HER house and we only got to live there as long as she kept allowing us to. If we made her mad, she’d kick us out. The first time it happened, my sister was 9. She had no clue what to do, so she walked 2 miles in bare feet and pajamas before the police picked her up. When I was 18, she gave me ten minutes to pack and leave forever, then was absolutely gobsmacked when I actually did so. Until the day she died, she insisted I had “run away.”

[niccig]

Oddly, mine did not have food control issues. She was controlling in other ways, particularly with regard to the house. She made it clear that it was HER house and we only got to live there as long as she kept allowing us to. If we made her mad, she’d kick us out. The first time it happened, my sister was 9. She had no clue what to do, so she walked 2 miles in bare feet and pajamas before the police picked her up. When I was 18, she gave me ten minutes to pack and leave forever, then was absolutely gobsmacked when I actually did so. Until the day she died, she insisted I had “run away.”

OMG We got kicked out 8pm at night this last visit!!! I cut short her conversation with DS as she was asking questions about DS’s injury and I had told her before our visit Dr’s orders were to not discuss it with him. Her house, so she’ll discuss whatever she wants with whoever she wants. That set her off and she raged about everything!! We were partially packed as leaving the next day and went to a hotel by the airport. She kicked out my sister 2 years ago during a Christmas visit. But to kick out an 9 year old.. that is absolutely crazy! And of course, the blame is on your sister and you.

People can’t believe she kicked us out...makes me realize it is not a normal reaction to an argument. I know it’s not normal, but that is the norm in my family.


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[Ceepa]

People can’t believe she kicked us out...makes me realize it is not a normal reaction to an argument. I know it’s not normal, but that is the norm in my ]

As an adult I realized that not talking about the dysfunction was a deep-rooted habit of trying to stay loyal to the "family culture."

Sorry you had that blowup with your mother, niccig.

[niccig]

As an adult I realized that not talking about the dysfunction was a deep-rooted habit of trying to stay loyal to the "family culture."

Sorry you had that blowup with your mother, niccig.

I can see that this is true. I find it embarrassing to admit.


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[hellokitty]

I have been busy and been meaning to come back to this thread. Thought I would share this, when you need a reminder that YOU are not the problem and why it is so important to be true to you and your family's needs when dealing with a narc.

A Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did…

You deserved it.

[hellokitty]

Ladies, wow, the stories about the gifts. That is SO relatable. I don't know how many times gifts that were thoughtfully picked for the narc were basically rejected with icy glee by the narcs that I know. I think that the worst of the stories was when we were all young kids, like lower elementary age, we picked out a cologne for my father that he liked to wear. We wrapped it up for christmas and were so excited for him to open it. He literally REFUSED to open it, knowing that we were excited to see him open it. He put it on a table in his bedroom, still completely wrapped and with ribbon all around it (I had wrapped it). That thing sat on that table, gathering a nasty layer of dust for close to 20 years, until one day I was home from college, saw it in my parents' bedroom, the ribbon had started to shred on its own and was falling off and threw it into the trash. I remember being so angry throwing it away, remember exactly how it felt giving him that gift and having him proudly reject it. He left it there as a reminder all of these years, a smug reminder that he is the one in control and if he is mierable, everyone else should be miserable with him and that he would not allow joy into this family.

The worst thing is the double standard. He is an infamously BAD gift giver, he only picks things that HE likes or picks gifts that are an insult to you. As a kid, 3 christmases in a row I got the SAME dictionary (new copies) as my, "gift." He told me it was bc I was bad at spelling. I am not bad at spelling, do you know who sucks at spelling? HIM! Talk about projection. However, his gifts were either completely inappropriate things that a 40 year old man bought for himself and got bored with, so gave to his daughter, or else insulting gifts (he gave me diet pills once, telling me that I was fat, how I didn't end up with a full blown eating disorder, I do not know, bc I was chronically made to feel bad about being fat when I was NOT fat). So, he gives you a totally ****ty gift and then he expects you to act like you should forever be indebted to him. It got to the point that I stopped getting him any gifts at all, bc it seemed as if the highlight of him receiving a gift was for him to somehow make it plainly obvious to us just how much he loathed it. Christmas and birthdays were not exciting for me as a child, I learned not to expect anything nice, it was not a matter of our family not being able to afford things, my dad was a physician! It was knowing that I should just brace myself for disappointment. Weirdly, I married a man who is an absolutely WONDERFUL gift giver and bc of my upbringing, gifts are not my love language, I love the thought he puts into his gifts, but do not gush over them the way that other women would.

I have a nmil who is the same exact way, who has literally handed gifts right back at me, saying she hates it, right to my face. However, she forces gifts upon us that we did not want or ask for and that aren't even thoughtful and in her mind we, "owe" her. We no longer give her any gifts and she is pissed as hell about it, but once again I am not giving her the opportunity and evil glee to use what should be a kind gesture and **** all over it. I also do not take her gifts that she tries to force onto us (she gives us things that she ruined or doesn't want... so as you can imagine they are not, "good" gifts. Hell no, I do not want the wool gloves that you shrank down to the size for a 2 year old child, when all of my kids are upper elementary aged and older!!!) and tries to entrap us into a feeling of obligation to her. My own mother has done things like this before as well and I used to think that it was just bc they were of an older generation, but I realize that I know people their age who do NOT do this... it is NOT normal, nor is it kind, even if they somehow think that they deserve, "credit" for giving us something that was so obviously just self-serving on their part and plainly not thoughtful for the other person.

They are selfish, manipulative and stingy people and I've always thought that the way they give and receive gifts is very telling. It does not take much to be gracious, but to go out of the way to be an ogre about it... that is very intentional.