Anyone dealing with a narcissistic parent?

[niccig]

After an awful blow up with my mum that DS witnessed, and then got involved in - he’s 14 and I couldn’t stop him but should’ve gotten us out of there before he got involved, I’ve finally admitted that my difficult mother is more than just “difficult”, she ticks many boxes for narcissism traits. I’ve given up years ago on having a relationship with her, and was trying to manage things with her so DS could have some relationship with my dad and her. Not going to happen now.

I called my therapist I haven’t seen in years telling her “you knew with my family you’d hear from me again” 🤣

I spoke with DS’s psychologist so he can help DS process it. At least he’ll get professional help to deal with my crazy family hopefully in a healthy manner. No one gave me that at 14.

Any book recommendations? Any advice? I have apologized to DS saying I’m sorry my family is dysfunctional. Stupid of me to think I could control the craziness


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[doberbrat]

Yup. my mom to a T.

We live 1500mi away and that generally solves many problems. She's having health issues though and the time is coming that she may no longer be able to live alone. She cant/wont live with her sisters and I'm going to LOSE MY MIND if she has to live with me..... but as the only child that is seeming more and more likely

How I cope? Wine. Lots and lots of wine. Not the healthiest but we see her 1-2x a year for generally 10days at a time. Before we had kids we only saw her every 2-3years.

[niccig]

Yup. my mom to a T.

We live 1500mi away and that generally solves many problems. She's having health issues though and the time is coming that she may no longer be able to live alone. She cant/wont live with her sisters and I'm going to LOSE MY MIND if she has to live with me..... but as the only child that is seeming more and more likely

How I cope? Wine. Lots and lots of wine. Not the healthiest but we see her 1-2x a year for generally 10days at a time. Before we had kids we only saw her every 2-3years.

Sorry you’re dealing with this too. So I’m in another country from her!! I told my sisters I’m on her $hite list so they’ll have to deal with her as if true to form, she’ll cut me out and ignore any communication. I’ve seen her do it to my aunt. She’s still in good health and looks after dad. No idea what will happen when she starts to have health issues.

Wine may not have helped me. She flew into a rage and I got angry back. Not proud I lost my temper.


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[mom2binsd]

Nicci, is there any chance just your dad would travel to the states to visit you? Or can you stay elsewhere next time (not sure if you have any friends there to stay with, am sure a hotel would be expensive). After your son was put in the middle, I'd say any politeness can be forgotten, when her behavior impacts a kid, it's game over. So sorry to hear this, I know you were worried about your sister being an issue before you went.

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[niccig]

Nicci, is there any chance just your dad would travel to the states to visit you? Or can you stay elsewhere next time (not sure if you have any friends there to stay with, am sure a hotel would be expensive). After your son was put in the middle, I'd say any politeness can be forgotten, when her behavior impacts a kid, it's game over. So sorry to hear this, I know you were worried about your sister being an issue before you went.

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Dad has pretty advanced Parkinson’s Disease so he can’t travel. We will not stay with them again, she has to control everything and I was walking on eggshells in case DS did something to anger her. I do have a good friend who’s invited me to stay some nights, VRBO if time it for off season isn’t too expensive. It may just mean a shorter trip. She’s not talking to me, and there’s no trip planned until next summer at earliest, so time to figure it out.

I’m sure my sister being there added to the stress. But, my mum has always been like this and we make excuses and placate her. I couldn’t do that anymore. I saw my therapist today and have a couple sessions scheduled to deal with it.


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[DualvansMommy]

Yes, it’s mainly why I chose to attend college in a different country 3,000 miles away. I saw it as a chance to escape from her, and thought few years break from each other do our relationship better. As it happens, I ended up staying in the U.S for many different good reasons, until I’m just too entrenched here.

All this to say distance does help, but my relationship remain difficult. I keep visits to the bare minimum, and now DS1 at 8 is recognizing that granny isn’t a very nice person. Told me numerous times that she just doesn’t sound very happy. No real good advice, but your kid is lot older than mine, and I think leaving it up to him as a choice whether to continue his relationship with your mom may be an option.

Therapy helped me a lot. Also, you don’t have to visit you know? Why do you go back home to visit? Asking so it’s questions you can think on and maybe talk it out with your therapist. If she wasn’t your mom, what is left of your relationship with her? Does she take ownership of her actions and behavior with you and son? If she doesn’t or not willing, then imo you don’t owe your mom anything beyond common courtesy. It’s so hard.


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[niccig]

Yes, it’s mainly why I chose to attend college in a different country 3,000 miles away. I saw it as a chance to escape from her, and thought few years break from each other do our relationship better. As it happens, I ended up staying in the U.S for many different good reasons, until I’m just too entrenched here.

All this to say distance does help, but my relationship remain difficult. I keep visits to the bare minimum, and now DS1 at 8 is recognizing that granny isn’t a very nice person. Told me numerous times that she just doesn’t sound very happy. No real good advice, but your kid is lot older than mine, and I think leaving it up to him as a choice whether to continue his relationship with your mom may be an option.

Therapy helped me a lot. Also, you don’t have to visit you know? Why do you go back home to visit? Asking so it’s questions you can think on and maybe talk it out with your therapist. If she wasn’t your mom, what is left of your relationship with her? Does she take ownership of her actions and behavior with you and son? If she doesn’t or not willing, then imo you don’t owe your mom anything beyond common courtesy. It’s so hard.


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I go back to see my Dad. I thought I could manage her so that DS could have a relationship with him, and with her as much as possible while protecting him from the crazy. My mother take ownership for her actions??? Ha ha ha. She is never wrong. I have never heard her apologize for anything! DH says she needs to apologize to DS, that will never happen! My 2 sisters have their own difficulty with mum, but at the moment they’re getting along with her, and calling her to get her advice on things going on in their lives, so they’re the golden children. I’m the scapegoat, as I haven’t needed her, I turn to other people for advice - often here at the BBB. Thankful for therapy so I can see the game being played and now that I’m home, not engage.


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[chlobo]

This person, Jonice Webb, has a book about childhood emotional neglect that I found helpful. Not all people who suffer from CEN have a narcissistic parent but having one, often produces CEN. She has lots of information on her website. Maybe some of it will resonate with you. https://www.drjonicewebb.com

I will say that for myself, distance and setting firm boundaries and saying "I've got to get of the phone." a lot is what seems most helpful.

I will say that I have often tried to "say my peace" with my mother in the hopes that she see some other side of the situation besides her own but she never does. It's never her fault, she is always the victim. So I have stopped trying to have any kind of productive conversation with her.

[niccig]

This person, Jonice Webb, has a book about childhood emotional neglect that I found helpful. Not all people who suffer from CEN have a narcissistic parent but having one, often produces CEN. She has lots of information on her website. Maybe some of it will resonate with you. https://www.drjonicewebb.com

I will say that for myself, distance and setting firm boundaries and saying "I've got to get of the phone." a lot is what seems most helpful.

I will say that I have often tried to "say my peace" with my mother in the hopes that she see some other side of the situation besides her own but she never does. It's never her fault, she is always the victim. So I have stopped trying to have any kind of productive conversation with her.

A friend and I compare notes on our emotionally unavailable mothers! I didn’t realize until I had DS how messed up things were. I’ll look at the website.

I haven’t had a productive conversation in years. I stopped sharing or asking her opinion as she lectures you. I had serious issues whenDS was born and establishing I was his mum and not her. I have other people I talk to. I do think that’s partly why she’s so mad at me. Both my sisters are single again and in places with work/life where they call and ask her advice and she feels needed by them. My older sister calls everyday. I call to check in with them, update them on things and have DS talk to them. I let her know what’s going on, but she has no say in my life.


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[hellokitty]

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I remember how stressful your annual visits would be to see her. I had a somewhat similar situation last year, my father and I have a similar relationship as you describe with your mom. We went to see them during spring break and my father started in on me, I stood up for myself and he started screaming at me, telling me I wasn't his daughter, telling me I was a horrible mother. My kids were in another room, but heard the entire thing. Then we saw them again for summer vacation, that had already been planned and they played a role in ruining that too. I have two brothers, one is the golden child, so he can't see clearly. The other one can see pretty clearly, although I am the family scapegoat, so I pretty much get ALL the hate, including when my parents get mad at my brothers, they will blame me, even if I had nothing to do with it. My mother, who I had always thought was an codepedent enabler has become increasingly more toxic in the past five years and things came to a head between us a few months ago when she withheld a legal document from me that I needed. By then, I had it and just decided I'm in my 40's, my parents suck, they make me miserable, my mother who I always thought was screwed up from being with my dad, is so enmeshed with him, she has lost herself. So, thinking that I could somehow try to have a relationship with her, while putting up with my dad'd toxicity just seemed completely crazy on my part. I went no contact. I've been no contact for about 3 months, they have done a lot of (expected) passive aggressive, toxic outreach. I think that I am just numb to it all. My kids are well aware that something is, "wrong" with their grandfather and I found out my son told a friend at summer camp about how my dad still yells at me. It's dysfunctional and my kids do not have a relationship with my parents anyway, bc crappy parents end up being crappy grandparents too. Am I bitter? Yes, but at the same time, our life is so busy right now I cannot take on the drama that my parents try to push onto my life, so I am opting out.

I know that our situations are different, as you still really want to have a relationship with your father, where I'm so irritated with my mother I doubt we could ever even think to have any sort of relationship unless my father is no longer there (his health is not great, so that is one reason she is so pissed off, bc he uses it to guill and try to manipulate and I am tired of it, even if he is elderly and sickly, it does not justify the constant abuse, my mother has tried to normalize it, which has made me even more mad at her. If your dad is open to it, I would use facetime as a way to try to KIT with him since he can't travel and you visiting them makes things so tense and uncomfortable. For sure your mom will make sure to make it miserable and I would't want to give her the opportunity to try to ruin things. As for books, I've actually found listening to youtube vlogs about narcissistic abuse to be the most helpful for me.

I hope that you figure out a way to set boundaries that works for you. I'm mad that I waited this long to go no contact and while I am upset that my mom got caught in the middle, in the end, she chose to side with my father (when he started screaming at me, she piled on and during summer vacation, she continued to make snide comments). Life is too short to let toxic people bring you down.