Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3
Results 21 to 30 of 30
  1. #21
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    CA.
    Posts
    21,711

    Default Anyone dealing with a narcissistic parent?

    How do you stop ruminating over something. I keep going over the argument and itís making me feel physically sick. I said awful things - years of issues came spewing out. Normally Iíd discuss with DH, but itís his birthday weekend and I donít want to ruin that, and he has a huge work project due next week that needs all his attention.



    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    4,862

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    How do you stop ruminating over something. I keep going over the argument and itís making me feel physically sick. I said awful things - years of issues came spewing out. Normally Iíd discuss with DH, but itís his birthday weekend and I donít want to ruin that, and he has a huge work project due next week that needs all his attention.



    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains
    I wish I knew. I still ruminate over incidents from decades ago.

    Hereís what I can offer: sometimes it just helps to get everything out, so write it down. If you need someone to be on the other end of the correspondence, send it to me in a PM. I will read/not read and reply/not reply at your preference.

    I promise iím not trying to be weird or a stalker; I just hate to see people hurting.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    MA
    Posts
    4,216

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    How do you stop ruminating over something. I keep going over the argument and it’s making me feel physically sick. I said awful things - years of issues came spewing out. Normally I’d discuss with DH, but it’s his birthday weekend and I don’t want to ruin that, and he has a huge work project due next week that needs all his attention.
    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains
    I have lengthy conversations with my dogs. I also envision a different outcome. Kinda like playing a movie in my head. Or loose myself in trashy romance novels and there is always wine.
    dd1 10/05
    dd2 11/09
    and 2 cocker spaniels

  4. #24
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    CA.
    Posts
    21,711

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by anonomom View Post
    I wish I knew. I still ruminate over incidents from decades ago.

    Hereís what I can offer: sometimes it just helps to get everything out, so write it down. If you need someone to be on the other end of the correspondence, send it to me in a PM. I will read/not read and reply/not reply at your preference.

    I promise iím not trying to be weird or a stalker; I just hate to see people hurting.
    Thanks so much!! I actually slept last night by taking Aleve PM to knock me out. Today I kept telling myself to ďstopĒ when I started ruminating, helped I was busy at work. Iíll try writing it all down, I do need to get it out.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  5. #25
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    CA.
    Posts
    21,711

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by doberbrat View Post
    I have lengthy conversations with my dogs. I also envision a different outcome. Kinda like playing a movie in my head. Or loose myself in trashy romance novels and there is always wine.
    Yes the dog or the cat!! Theyíll listen as long as get pats in return! DH doesnít need to keep hearing it, rehashing it all with him wonít help. He was there and knows what happened. Iíve been replaying different outcomes, I donít think it matters what I wouldíve said/done. Mum was mad with me as soon as I got there, I shouldnít have been surprised she picked a fight.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Salt Lake City, Utah.
    Posts
    7,930

    Default

    niccig:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. My dad is the narcissist. My mom died 2 months after she retired. It has been 13 years now. There are times I see her passing as a gift, because I would have had to figure out how to keep my relationship with her (which was very, very close) while keeping my dad at a distance. My mom was very codependent and she totally chose her marriage over her children. But therapy and lots of talking with her brought us to a very strong relation ship. After she died, I needed 6 months grief counseling and another year of therapy just to deal with my dad. My brother and I got to see the unhinged behavior my had been subject to and my dad's friends all got to the see the person we had known all of our lives. And they all walked away from him.

    It has been a long journey. My therapist said to me, "What kind of daughter do you want to be?". Because nothing I ever did would be good enough for my dad. So I defined my own role and lived up to that. When my dad told me that I had put him through hell and enjoyed it--because I was no longer trying to be what he wanted--I cut off phone calls and put him on email only. At the same time, I limited in person visits to 3x a year, including Christmas. I later had to define the visits to supervised visits with my children that would last about 2 hours and DH and I would drive the children during any visits. My kids see that he is crazy. They know that all he talks about is himself. I did give my dad a chance to be a grandfather. My grandmother was crazy and was not a good mother (hence my dad and uncle). But she was an AMAZING grandmother and I loved her dearly and was good friends with her. Not with my father. My kids and my nieces want nothing to do with him. That was his doing, not mine.

    So-1. Define what kind of daughter you want to be. 2. Don't worry about giving your mom a chance to be a grandparent. She can't. 3. Draw and keep boundaries

    As for ruminating or feeling bad. This is the gas lighting. Why in the world is it that when we finally lose it after years of abuse, that WE feel bad?????? And that others are disappointed in us?????? Hell, no. You just fought back. When somebody jabs an old, recurring wound with an icepick, it HURTS. And you fight back. Your mom deserves it. She isn't festering or ruminating. She has it immediately explained away and she is in way, shape, or form responsible for any of it.

    Heck, I would welcome never hearing from my father again. He has 4 years until my youngest goes to college and then he will be on the annual Christmas visit plan. (which is the way it used to be before he retired--he NEVER came to see me. My neighbors thought he was dead because they only saw my mom) And that's it.

    Write everything down for now, exercise a ton, stay busy, and take the earliest therapy appointment you can get. I have been seeing my therapist at least monthly for 5+ years now. It keeps me sane and steady vs. waiting for a crisis to talk to her.

    Good luck--big hugs.
    Mom to:
    DS '02
    DD '05
    Simon--the King Charles cutie
    RIP Andy, the furry first child, 1996-2012

    "The task of any religion is not to tell us who we are entitled to hate but to teach us who we are required to love."

  7. #27
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    CA.
    Posts
    21,711

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by StantonHyde View Post
    niccig:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. My dad is the narcissist. My mom died 2 months after she retired. It has been 13 years now. There are times I see her passing as a gift, because I would have had to figure out how to keep my relationship with her (which was very, very close) while keeping my dad at a distance. My mom was very codependent and she totally chose her marriage over her children. But therapy and lots of talking with her brought us to a very strong relation ship. After she died, I needed 6 months grief counseling and another year of therapy just to deal with my dad. My brother and I got to see the unhinged behavior my had been subject to and my dad's friends all got to the see the person we had known all of our lives. And they all walked away from him.

    It has been a long journey. My therapist said to me, "What kind of daughter do you want to be?". Because nothing I ever did would be good enough for my dad. So I defined my own role and lived up to that. When my dad told me that I had put him through hell and enjoyed it--because I was no longer trying to be what he wanted--I cut off phone calls and put him on email only. At the same time, I limited in person visits to 3x a year, including Christmas. I later had to define the visits to supervised visits with my children that would last about 2 hours and DH and I would drive the children during any visits. My kids see that he is crazy. They know that all he talks about is himself. I did give my dad a chance to be a grandfather. My grandmother was crazy and was not a good mother (hence my dad and uncle). But she was an AMAZING grandmother and I loved her dearly and was good friends with her. Not with my father. My kids and my nieces want nothing to do with him. That was his doing, not mine.

    So-1. Define what kind of daughter you want to be. 2. Don't worry about giving your mom a chance to be a grandparent. She can't. 3. Draw and keep boundaries

    As for ruminating or feeling bad. This is the gas lighting. Why in the world is it that when we finally lose it after years of abuse, that WE feel bad?????? And that others are disappointed in us?????? Hell, no. You just fought back. When somebody jabs an old, recurring wound with an icepick, it HURTS. And you fight back. Your mom deserves it. She isn't festering or ruminating. She has it immediately explained away and she is in way, shape, or form responsible for any of it.

    Heck, I would welcome never hearing from my father again. He has 4 years until my youngest goes to college and then he will be on the annual Christmas visit plan. (which is the way it used to be before he retired--he NEVER came to see me. My neighbors thought he was dead because they only saw my mom) And that's it.

    Write everything down for now, exercise a ton, stay busy, and take the earliest therapy appointment you can get. I have been seeing my therapist at least monthly for 5+ years now. It keeps me sane and steady vs. waiting for a crisis to talk to her.

    Good luck--big hugs.
    My parents are both co-dependent and neither put us kids first. Mum didnít protect us from dad and dad didnít protect us from mum. Heck, kids shouldnít need protecting from their parents. Mum mentioned older women who had little choice but to marry and have a family and said ďsome women shouldnít be mothersĒ, she wasnít talking about herself, but it really sums her up.

    I do feel bad, not for blowing up but for how I lost it. I said some really mean things, and thatís not the kind of person I want to be. By trying to first reason with her(how can you reason with crazy?!) and then getting mad, I didnít get DS out of there straight away, and I regret that. I also know that because of what I said, thereís no going back now, sheíll never allow a visit (with us staying elsewhere), and I keep thinking maybe if I hadnít said that one really bad thing, there would be a way to figure out a way forward. But then I think Iím crazy, as after what she said to DS, there is no way of going back, I have to protect him. DH got involved to defend DS and he will not allow DS to see her, and heís completely right. Then I feel guilty about my dad, but anonmom had a really good point about him. Heís ill now but mum has always been this way and he never did anything before.

    Mumís story is itís all my fault. My younger sister told me I have to apologize for what I said, as do DS and DH. No mention of mum apologizing for what she did/said. That mum is stressed out and I didnít do enough to help when we were there. I should reflect on what I didnít do and do more so I donít get yelled out. Yep itís all my fault is the gaslighting story. Love to hear the story when mum turns on my younger sister as that will happen!! Donít call me for support though!!! Iím done.

    Iíll take everyoneís advice for self-care and keep seeing my therapist. Iíll look at some books and web resources. Iím concerned Iím too much like my mother and need to stop those character traits. Itís going to take time to heal from this, and Iím just going to have to go through the process.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    .
    Posts
    4,629

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    Mum’s story is it’s all my fault. My younger sister told me I have to apologize for what I said, as do DS and DH. No mention of mum apologizing for what she did/said. That mum is stressed out and I didn’t do enough to help when we were there. I should reflect on what I didn’t do and do more so I don’t get yelled out. Yep it’s all my fault is the gaslighting story. Love to hear the story when mum turns on my younger sister as that will happen!! Don’t call me for support though!!! I’m done.

    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains
    This in particular turns my stomach and is so reminiscent of things with my mother. She is so bad she will call me and tell me her computer is broken because she can't retrieve her email. She can't even say "look, I'm old, new technology baffles me". Instead, its the computers fault. I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be especially difficult to have your sisters backing her up and trying to make you feel more guilty. Hopefully you can get a little distance right now and maybe skimp on the communication for a while. Now, whenever I feel like my mother might be starting to act up on the phone I will instantly tell her "I have to go". I literally have a pair of rose colored glasses (lens tint) and my therapist told me to wear them whenever I see my mother in person to remind me to take it all in stride. It's all her and really has little to do with me (even if the venom is aimed at me). Unfortunately, the glasses just broke so I'm not sure what that means. lol.

    ETA: I always express concern to my therapist that I am like my mother. And she says the mere fact that I worry about that proves that I am not. I narcissist will never even wonder if they are a problem.

  9. #29
    California is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    2,210

    Default

    From what youíve shared about your mom, itís possible that when you lost control, it gave your mom a sense of release of all the pent up yuckiness she carries around. She got you to lose control, she got to yell too, and she passed all her negative feelings on to you. Emotional dumping. And now she gets to focus on complaining about you. So really, sheís not suffering from this at all.

    If you feel hung up on what you said, there are a few things Iíve been taught that may help:

    1- Give yourself a set time to dwell on it. Any time it pops into our mind, tell yourself, ďIíll think about this at XYZ time on Tuesday morningĒ (whatever time/day of week works for you.) When that time comes, focus hard core on it - write, pound a pillow, cry in the shower, whatever you need to do to process it. It may take a few times. Eventually youíll get bored of it.

    2- Ask yourself ďand then what?Ē You said something really mean to your mom. And then what? Keep going with the story of what happened until you get to the point where your perspective shifts: DS will be okay, youíll talk with a counselor... keep going until you work your way through it.

    3 - Keep going with the ďstopĒ approach you are using. Interrupt your own train of thought. I tend to need an alternative activity (like taking five deep breaths) for this to work.

    So sorry you are going through this. My mom is actually quite wonderful. My aunt though, refuses treatment for mental illness and it makes it very tricky for her grown children to have a relationship with her. Weíre fortunate that their dad, when he realized what was going on, divorced her, got full custody, and gave his girls a pretty healthy upbringing. Even so theyíve gotten lots of therapy and still have struggled to have healthy relationships. But they have healed enough that they are not passing this along to their kids. It doesnít sound like you are either- and that is AMAZING to stop that trauma from getting passed on!!! So pat yourself on the back for doing the same thing for you son!

  10. #30
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    CA.
    Posts
    21,711

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by California View Post
    From what youíve shared about your mom, itís possible that when you lost control, it gave your mom a sense of release of all the pent up yuckiness she carries around. She got you to lose control, she got to yell too, and she passed all her negative feelings on to you. Emotional dumping. And now she gets to focus on complaining about you. So really, sheís not suffering from this at all.

    If you feel hung up on what you said, there are a few things Iíve been taught that may help:

    1- Give yourself a set time to dwell on it. Any time it pops into our mind, tell yourself, ďIíll think about this at XYZ time on Tuesday morningĒ (whatever time/day of week works for you.) When that time comes, focus hard core on it - write, pound a pillow, cry in the shower, whatever you need to do to process it. It may take a few times. Eventually youíll get bored of it.

    2- Ask yourself ďand then what?Ē You said something really mean to your mom. And then what? Keep going with the story of what happened until you get to the point where your perspective shifts: DS will be okay, youíll talk with a counselor... keep going until you work your way through it.

    3 - Keep going with the ďstopĒ approach you are using. Interrupt your own train of thought. I tend to need an alternative activity (like taking five deep breaths) for this to work.

    So sorry you are going through this. My mom is actually quite wonderful. My aunt though, refuses treatment for mental illness and it makes it very tricky for her grown children to have a relationship with her. Weíre fortunate that their dad, when he realized what was going on, divorced her, got full custody, and gave his girls a pretty healthy upbringing. Even so theyíve gotten lots of therapy and still have struggled to have healthy relationships. But they have healed enough that they are not passing this along to their kids. It doesnít sound like you are either- and that is AMAZING to stop that trauma from getting passed on!!! So pat yourself on the back for doing the same thing for you son!
    Emotional dumping!! Thatís exactly what she did. And yes, because I blew up, sheís now all self/righteous, itís all my fault and no accountability for what she did/said. This makes total sense.

    Thanks for your suggestions to work through it. I slept well last night, and that is helping too. DS seems ok, his psychologist is aware and spoke with him about it. Heíll keep checking in with DS.





    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •