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  1. #1
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default Anyone dealing with a narcissistic parent?

    After an awful blow up with my mum that DS witnessed, and then got involved in - he’s 14 and I couldn’t stop him but should’ve gotten us out of there before he got involved, I’ve finally admitted that my difficult mother is more than just “difficult”, she ticks many boxes for narcissism traits. I’ve given up years ago on having a relationship with her, and was trying to manage things with her so DS could have some relationship with my dad and her. Not going to happen now.

    I called my therapist I haven’t seen in years telling her “you knew with my family you’d hear from me again” 🤣

    I spoke with DS’s psychologist so he can help DS process it. At least he’ll get professional help to deal with my crazy family hopefully in a healthy manner. No one gave me that at 14.

    Any book recommendations? Any advice? I have apologized to DS saying I’m sorry my family is dysfunctional. Stupid of me to think I could control the craziness


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    Last edited by niccig; 08-14-2019 at 10:39 PM.

  2. #2
    doberbrat is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Yup. my mom to a T.

    We live 1500mi away and that generally solves many problems. She's having health issues though and the time is coming that she may no longer be able to live alone. She cant/wont live with her sisters and I'm going to LOSE MY MIND if she has to live with me..... but as the only child that is seeming more and more likely

    How I cope? Wine. Lots and lots of wine. Not the healthiest but we see her 1-2x a year for generally 10days at a time. Before we had kids we only saw her every 2-3years.
    dd1 10/05
    dd2 11/09
    and ... a mini poodle!

  3. #3
    mom2binsd is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Nicci, is there any chance just your dad would travel to the states to visit you? Or can you stay elsewhere next time (not sure if you have any friends there to stay with, am sure a hotel would be expensive). After your son was put in the middle, I'd say any politeness can be forgotten, when her behavior impacts a kid, it's game over. So sorry to hear this, I know you were worried about your sister being an issue before you went.

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  4. #4
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    Yes, it’s mainly why I chose to attend college in a different country 3,000 miles away. I saw it as a chance to escape from her, and thought few years break from each other do our relationship better. As it happens, I ended up staying in the U.S for many different good reasons, until I’m just too entrenched here.

    All this to say distance does help, but my relationship remain difficult. I keep visits to the bare minimum, and now DS1 at 8 is recognizing that granny isn’t a very nice person. Told me numerous times that she just doesn’t sound very happy. No real good advice, but your kid is lot older than mine, and I think leaving it up to him as a choice whether to continue his relationship with your mom may be an option.

    Therapy helped me a lot. Also, you don’t have to visit you know? Why do you go back home to visit? Asking so it’s questions you can think on and maybe talk it out with your therapist. If she wasn’t your mom, what is left of your relationship with her? Does she take ownership of her actions and behavior with you and son? If she doesn’t or not willing, then imo you don’t owe your mom anything beyond common courtesy. It’s so hard.


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    Mummy to DS1-6/11 and DS2-1/14

  5. #5
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default Anyone dealing with a narcissistic parent?

    Quote Originally Posted by doberbrat View Post
    Yup. my mom to a T.

    We live 1500mi away and that generally solves many problems. She's having health issues though and the time is coming that she may no longer be able to live alone. She cant/wont live with her sisters and I'm going to LOSE MY MIND if she has to live with me..... but as the only child that is seeming more and more likely

    How I cope? Wine. Lots and lots of wine. Not the healthiest but we see her 1-2x a year for generally 10days at a time. Before we had kids we only saw her every 2-3years.
    Sorry you’re dealing with this too. So I’m in another country from her!! I told my sisters I’m on her $hite list so they’ll have to deal with her as if true to form, she’ll cut me out and ignore any communication. I’ve seen her do it to my aunt. She’s still in good health and looks after dad. No idea what will happen when she starts to have health issues.

    Wine may not have helped me. She flew into a rage and I got angry back. Not proud I lost my temper.


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    Last edited by niccig; 08-16-2019 at 12:25 AM.

  6. #6
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by mom2binsd View Post
    Nicci, is there any chance just your dad would travel to the states to visit you? Or can you stay elsewhere next time (not sure if you have any friends there to stay with, am sure a hotel would be expensive). After your son was put in the middle, I'd say any politeness can be forgotten, when her behavior impacts a kid, it's game over. So sorry to hear this, I know you were worried about your sister being an issue before you went.

    Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
    Dad has pretty advanced Parkinson’s Disease so he can’t travel. We will not stay with them again, she has to control everything and I was walking on eggshells in case DS did something to anger her. I do have a good friend who’s invited me to stay some nights, VRBO if time it for off season isn’t too expensive. It may just mean a shorter trip. She’s not talking to me, and there’s no trip planned until next summer at earliest, so time to figure it out.

    I’m sure my sister being there added to the stress. But, my mum has always been like this and we make excuses and placate her. I couldn’t do that anymore. I saw my therapist today and have a couple sessions scheduled to deal with it.


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  7. #7
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default Anyone dealing with a narcissistic parent?

    Quote Originally Posted by DualvansMommy View Post
    Yes, it’s mainly why I chose to attend college in a different country 3,000 miles away. I saw it as a chance to escape from her, and thought few years break from each other do our relationship better. As it happens, I ended up staying in the U.S for many different good reasons, until I’m just too entrenched here.

    All this to say distance does help, but my relationship remain difficult. I keep visits to the bare minimum, and now DS1 at 8 is recognizing that granny isn’t a very nice person. Told me numerous times that she just doesn’t sound very happy. No real good advice, but your kid is lot older than mine, and I think leaving it up to him as a choice whether to continue his relationship with your mom may be an option.

    Therapy helped me a lot. Also, you don’t have to visit you know? Why do you go back home to visit? Asking so it’s questions you can think on and maybe talk it out with your therapist. If she wasn’t your mom, what is left of your relationship with her? Does she take ownership of her actions and behavior with you and son? If she doesn’t or not willing, then imo you don’t owe your mom anything beyond common courtesy. It’s so hard.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    I go back to see my Dad. I thought I could manage her so that DS could have a relationship with him, and with her as much as possible while protecting him from the crazy. My mother take ownership for her actions??? Ha ha ha. She is never wrong. I have never heard her apologize for anything! DH says she needs to apologize to DS, that will never happen! My 2 sisters have their own difficulty with mum, but at the moment they’re getting along with her, and calling her to get her advice on things going on in their lives, so they’re the golden children. I’m the scapegoat, as I haven’t needed her, I turn to other people for advice - often here at the BBB. Thankful for therapy so I can see the game being played and now that I’m home, not engage.


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    Last edited by niccig; 08-16-2019 at 02:08 AM.

  8. #8
    anonomom is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I’m so sorry, Nicci, that you’re going through this. Not sure if my mom was narcissistic as such, but a lot of what you’re experiencing sounds familiar — the manipulation, the silent treatment, the refusal to own her actions. The first time I stayed in a hotel rather than with my mom, she refused to see me at all. And that was a muted reaction, for her.

    What helped me the most was designing my own boundaries – deciding what kind of behaviors I would tolerate from her and which ones I would not. I also wrote scripts in my mind for how I would deal with situations, and tried very hard to follow them. After that, it became a matter of enforcing my own boundaries. At that point, it didn’t really matter whether those boundaries were reasonable to my mom or anybody else, because they were my own and I figured I had as much right to enact them as she had to act badly.

    I’m not putting this quite correctly. Basically, I came to the realization that nothing I ever did would change my mother’s behavior or make her into the kind of mother I wanted or needed. But that didn’t mean I was ever obligated to subject myself to her abuses. So if we were on the phone and she started complaining about how all of her children hated her, I would say something like “mom, I am not going to discuss this with you.” If she kept going, I would warn her “I am not going to discuss this with you. If you keep talking about it, I will hang up.” And if she kept going I would hang up. It was really hard, and I would be violently shaking when I put down that phone, but it was worth it.

    I’ll be honest, building those boundaries did damage my relationship with my father. And that really really sucked. But there was a point at which I realize that he had his own choices to make, and he consistently put his desire not to argue with my mother over his desire to see his kids. If your father is ill, it is that much harder, and I am sorry.

  9. #9
    JElaineB is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Reddit has a forum called Raised by Narcissists that may have some good resources for you through the subreddit (forum) itself or the sidebar of information: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

    Here is their list of "helpful links": https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynar...i/helpfullinks

  10. #10
    firstbaby is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I’m a member of the crappy “my mom is a narcissist club”. It sucks, but space and boundaries help a lot. I am limited contact with her. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend has helped. I can’t change her, but recognizing she is always miserable and that would be a miserable way to live, has helped me not go from 0 to 1000 with her so quickly

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