I feel like a single parent

[mikala]

I'm sorry your DH dropped the ball and can understand how frustrating it must feel to be the only parent dealing with this stuff. I hate it when I have those Groundhog day conversations with my husband too.

Is there a chance DH shares the ADHD traits? It wouldn't excuse his lack of attention to this but might explain his actions a bit.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Is there a chance DH shares the ADHD traits? It wouldn't excuse his lack of attention to this but might explain his actions a bit.

That's what I was wondering! Now that we have 2 ADD diagnoses in the house - one inattentive and one impulsive, we clearly see which parent those came from.

Still, I know how much it hurts to feel like you're managing everything for everyone alone.

And just so you know, the whole BBB thanks you for supporting a sacrificial UPS driver! My BFF made it 16 years with them and she said it was exhausting, but I kept telling her how much other moms around the nation were thankful for her service!

[sariana]

It seems very clear to me (not a doctor!) that your DS's ADHD is hereditary, inherited directly from your husband.

[petesgirl]

I wouldn't be surprised if DH does have ADHD as well. I think his dad has been officially diagnosed with it and he has never enjoyed reading because he said he will read the same line over and over and not gain any information from it. But, it hasn't really impacted his life much. He did fine in school and college and has held good jobs successfully and does ok socially (although he isn't a super social person).
I guess I would expect that him having attention deficit problems would create a greater desire for him to see that DS got help. It seems like in reality he doesn't care and even when I was initially trying to decide whether or not to get DS evaluated for ADHD, DH would often just say things like "I'm sure there is nothing to worry about. He will be fine."
The other frustrating thing for me is DH's siblings. He has 2 brothers who are absolutely paralyzed (in my opinion) by mental health disorders that I feel like his parents have chosen to ignore. One brother has major anxiety attacks and OCD that has caused 2 fiancees to break off their engagement with him. He is currently 26, jobless, living with my in laws and going through an intensive 12-week rehab program for OCD-that my church is paying for because his parents wont. His 28 yr old brother has OCD and major, major hoarding issues, has dropped out of several different colleges, and can't keep a steady job. DH is constantly expressing frustration with them--why can't he see that getting help for our son right now is the key to preventing the kind of life his brothers (who never got help as kids) are living???
I just hate feeling like I'm the only one who is concerned about the kids.

[niccig]

I wouldn't be surprised if DH does have ADHD as well. I think his dad has been officially diagnosed with it and he has never enjoyed reading because he said he will read the same line over and over and not gain any information from it. But, it hasn't really impacted his life much. He did fine in school and college and has held good jobs successfully and does ok socially (although he isn't a super social person).
I guess I would expect that him having attention deficit problems would create a greater desire for him to see that DS got help. It seems like in reality he doesn't care and even when I was initially trying to decide whether or not to get DS evaluated for ADHD, DH would often just say things like "I'm sure there is nothing to worry about. He will be fine."
The other frustrating thing for me is DH's siblings. He has 2 brothers who are absolutely paralyzed (in my opinion) by mental health disorders that I feel like his parents have chosen to ignore. One brother has major anxiety attacks and OCD that has caused 2 fiancees to break off their engagement with him. He is currently 26, jobless, living with my in laws and going through an intensive 12-week rehab program for OCD-that my church is paying for because his parents wont. His 28 yr old brother has OCD and major, major hoarding issues, has dropped out of several different colleges, and can't keep a steady job. DH is constantly expressing frustration with them--why can't he see that getting help for our son right now is the key to preventing the kind of life his brothers (who never got help as kids) are living???
I just hate feeling like I'm the only one who is concerned about the kids.

I’m sorry. Maybe he is concerned but scared to admit it.

My DH never knew what was going on with DS. I set up google calendars and shared them with DH. With DS’s calendar I set it so DH gets notified by email when a new event is put into the calendar. DH hates when I put in soccer practice/ game times as there’s 30 emails at once, you don’t have to have this setting. DH can also see my calendar. I still need to remind him about somethings, but it’s all on the calendar so he can check it from his phone whenever he wants.


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[StantonHyde]

My DH was ok with tutoring but turning DS's learning disabilities into something within the mental health realm seemed really intimidating to DH. He didn't want to medicate the ADD--we did for anxiety. Finally, after 3 years of therapy and every other accommodation we could think of, the learning specialist and DS's 4th grad teacher brow beat DH into medicating for ADD. And we had amazing results. I also think that if your DH has some ADD tendencies, then they do see the kid getting treatment as a judgement of them. (I know several dads where this is the case. They keep saying that they turned out fine--but I know they drive their wives bananas!!)

I also think, as far as your DH's brothers, that people don't want to see the "needing help" part of it. They just want to think that the brothers should have pulled themselves together. To say that they needed help is to point the finger at his parents who didn't get them help. (which is bonkers. Maybe they didn't know, but they know now, so move forward). Do his parents even acknowledge that the brothers need help? It's weird to me--somehow its ok to blame the person for not pulling it together but it would be awful to say they have a mental health need that would respond to therapy. The stigma is still so strong.

I was totally the parent who drove DS's train as far as getting help for his disabilities. I met with and communicated with teachers constantly, I volunteered at the school, I made and went to all of his therapy and doctor appointments. Honestly, it was easier that way. Now, needing someone to watch your toddler is a different story. I could see my DH being ticked that I would ask/expect him to miss an entire shift of work to hang out while a child napped. (not saying I would be happy about his attitude--just that I could see it)

Keep plugging away, mama! Your instincts are right on this one. Good luck!!!

[echoesofspring]

I think sometimes these things hit so close to home it's easier to avoid and say 'that's normal' or 'they'll be fine' rather than confront a diagnosis and all the emotions (that might even be hard to articulate/understand) that come from it. I see it with myself with my parents aging and corresponding mental acuity loss, I see it with DH with issues with his family. Good luck tomorrow!

[mom2binsd]

I'm sorry he isn't engaged in the parenting like he should be. It sounds like you are somewhat isolated when it comes to help during the day, I can't keep everyone straight on the board but if you are LDS, is there someone from your ward who you can ask, when I lived in Utah (again I think you are in Utah), they were so helpful of one another for things like this.

Hope he can get time off and you can focus on the appointment, taking a toddler will be difficult unless you can distract him with an iPad and headphones?

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[petesgirl]

I'm sorry he isn't engaged in the parenting like he should be. It sounds like you are somewhat isolated when it comes to help during the day, I can't keep everyone straight on the board but if you are LDS, is there someone from your ward who you can ask, when I lived in Utah (again I think you are in Utah), they were so helpful of one another for things like this.

Hope he can get time off and you can focus on the appointment, taking a toddler will be difficult unless you can distract him with an iPad and headphones?

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Thanks! He did end up getting the day off, he just had to call in this morning and check so we didn't know until last minute.
You are right, we are in Utah and LDS. We live in an interesting area, though, where almost everyone works during the day-very few stay at home parents. I'm sure I will end up using the Ipad as a babysitter when DS and I start the actual therapy sessions because I'll likely have to bring DS2 along also.

School started today and DS1 was so upset about it. He was grumpy all morning and didn't want us to leave him there. I hate sending him somewhere he doesn't enjoy for 6 hrs a day....but I don't what to do about it. :/