dd (3rd grade) has one bff (K) she has had since 1st day of Kindergarten. so for four years. they are in the same class this year. they are both in aftercare, and dd plays with this girl (K) at recess.
dd talks about this friend all the time. it is obvious this girl is her bff. dd is super shy and has selective mutism, so it's difficult for her to make friends. she is extreme rule-follower and very well-behaved.
dd has always invited K to her birthday parties every year. this year, as last year, dd invited her but she didn't come or even bother to RSVP. dd was disappointed, but shook it off.
we have tried to initiate play dates , but her parents always refuse, and K says she's not allowed. dh thinks it is bc we are not of the same ethnicity/cultural background. last year, K mentioned dd was not invited to her bday party bc she "doesn't eat Indian food."
last week, dd put together an invitation for K to have a playdate on a saturday, with the time, our address, and parent phone number. dd was so excited as she worked so hard on the picture on writing the invitation. K at school told her the next day her dad said no to the playdate. didn't give a reason, or suggest another time.
today, dd tells me that K's birthday party is this weekend, and dd is not invited. K says she asked her parents to invite DD but they refused saying there were already "too many people." i told dd that maybe she's not inviting any school friends and just family. she then told me that K invited various other kids from school (named various other kids, including boys, and kids i knew who were not in her grade)...the one thing in common is all the kids are Indian.
dd asked about having a playdate another time and K said her dad says she's not allowed to come to our house ever again. K came to our house once, for dd's bday party, 3 years ago, when all the girls in the class were invited. nothing out of the ordinary happened. it was a normal, boring kid party. So, not entirely sure what makes us awful people to refuse to associate with.
DD is just crushed. normally she is happy go-lucky kid but she is just so sad right now, understandably. this is the one good friend she has and she doesn't understand why her bff's family doesn't want her in the picture. i should repeat again that DD is extremely shy, well-behaved, doesn't talk to most people, is not a bully or bad influence or rowdy or whatever would prompt some parents to ban a kid from playdates or bday parties.
i also do not get it. i am an immigrant myself, non-native english speaker, and progressive and i don't get refusing to to invite a child (especially if they've been your dc's bff for the past several years) bc they're not the same culture/background as you. i don't know how to explain this to my dd at all. we talk a lot about being inclusive of all cultures and this too, so i don't get how to address this at all.
any comments/suggestions welcome. please be kind - i may have not been the most coherent, my dh is traveling and busy week at work. my dd is just so sad, she came home after school and eventually fell asleep without eating dinner (very unusual). and yes, my dd is already seeing a therapist for her SM. i will bring this topic up to her to discuss with the therapist too, but wanted some input here as well. my ideal solution is to have dd pull away from K and start finding new friends at school that she can have playdates with (with parents that are somewhat receptive to an occasional playdate! and would allow her to be invited to bday parties!) but of course, easier said than done. in the past several years my dd has been to just 1 bday party, for DS's bff (they had a blast).