WDYT/WWYD-- DD told me she wishes she was not white (Caucasian)

[ha98ed14]

Hi, It's been many years since I have posted here, but this issue made me long for the thoughtful open-minded, yet practical advice this community gave me when DD was little. DD is now 12 and has just started 7th grade at the junior high on our side of town. We just finished our 2nd week of school. She has come into contact with students who are not from her elementary school and have a different set of cultural norms and expectations. An incident in one of her classes happened where a friend was pushing on DD's skin on her arm and then releasing it to make it turn white and then let the color come back. DD has a bit of a risidual tan from the summer, but she isn't pretty fair, blonde-blue. She is obviously white. Her friend is a person of color and she made a remark about how she did not understand why DD's skin did that. Another classmate, also a person of color, told the girl, "It's b/c DD is really white! No offense, DD." DD came home told me about and said that she wasn't offended because she didn't think her classmate was trying to be mean, but it made her really uncomfortable. She has also been uncomfortable because she sits at a table with a boy who says, "Daahhmmn!" (The word damn dragged out for emphasis) as an exclamation of surprise or dismay when the teacher gives assignments. She says she is uncomfortable because she sits next to him, and the teacher is regularly reprimanding him. She has also become very self-conscious and worried about grades and appearances since school started. I think her sensitivity is normal for this age-and-stage.

As as a bit of background, the junior high is fed by seven elementary schools; four of those schools are Title I, ranging between 30 and 70% free-and-reduced lunch and between 30 to 50% ESL/ELL students. The other three elementary schools are what are known in our town as "The Hill Schools" because they are literally up on the hill, which is the wealthy part of our town. They are <20% ESL/ELL and <10% free and reduced lunch. (We live in CA, so every school has an ESL/ELL population.) DD went to one of the Hill schools. While the school was racially/ethnically diverse (equal parts Asian, Latinx, and Caucasian), nearly all the families were similar SES; parents were educated professionals and upper-middle class. DD felt comfortable with this culture because tho we were more modest in income, we both have graduate degrees and DD did lots of activities because she is an only, so she got all the extra we had to give. In sum, she fit in fine.

The junior high is probably 55% Latinx, 35% Caucasian and 10% Asian, 60% free lunch and 30% ESL/ELL. DD has come home and said she is nervous around the Latinx students she doesn't know from her old school, and she is "worried they will think that she thinks like Trump" because she is white. She noticed that Some people break rules, use profanity and talk out of turn in class and it makes her uncomfortable, but she also said she *feels guilty about feeling uncomfortable*. She said she wished she wasn't white because "it would be easier." I explained that in the big picture of the larger society, POC experience hardship because of racism in a way DD would not experience because she is white so her life would not be easier. But I also tried to be supportive and acknowledge her feelings and tell her it is a new experience. We talked about how different communities have different cultural norms and expectations and that's what she is noticing.

I am troubled by DD feeling unhappy about who she is because she is worried about people assuming she harbors prejudice. She is aware of what happened in San Antonio and that the person purposely targeted people of Mexican heritage. We talked about his actions as a product of that person's racist beliefs. I am sure that is making her hyper aware and uncomfortable with the differences she is noticing. How do I help DD be comfortable in her own skin (literally)? I think her discomfort is because her "culture" is not the majority or the dominant culture in this school population. I think in the long run, this will be a good learning experience about how POC must often feel when they are often not in the majority, but I'm not sure she is able to process that yet. She is not super mature and is definitely wrestling with her own identity and feeling self-conscious about herself even without this issue if racial/ethnic identity. TIA for any insights you can provide.