DD banned from bff's parties/playdates-how to handle? (update #81)

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Wow, just wow!! Did the parents stay at the bday party 3 years ago or did they drop her off?? This is just so bizarre to me and I feel really bad for your DD.

My DD2 also has trouble making friends and her therapist continually emphasizes how important it is to expand the friend horizons so we are working on that but it is hard! I think it just gets harder and harder for girls as they get older.

We live in a community where the schools are close to 50% Indian and I'm shocked by your description of this family. My kids are invited to their Indian friends' birthday parties, and all ethnicities are invited! The Indian parents are super sweet and social (they are mostly immigrants...I've only met a couple who seemed like they were born here). If anything, there are enough white people here who are uncomfortable about the fact that the demographic is so heavily Indian and that their poor white kid is almost a minority and want the schools to "diversify" (whatever that means, ha! It means they just want it to be more white!) I can't imagine what would make an Indian family shelter their poor kid so that they never associate with anyone non-Indian. That's super, super sad. I wonder if something happened between the time they allowed K to go to your DD's party and now and that it had nothing to do with you. I wonder if they experienced some horrible racism or something.

Your poor DD. I hope things look up soon!

about the party several years ago - the bizarre thing is they didn't stay, they dropped K off along with her older brother (which is fine). various other parents stayed. i get parents wanting to stay at a party and have no issue with that, but that wasn't the case here.

i too think it's much harder when they get older which is why i want to nip this situation in the bud. i fear that if dd remains close to this friend she is going to get even more hurt and upset years later, and it will be even harder for her to branch out and find new friends. with her SM it will prevent her from making other friends (bc she is so used to just talking/playing with K, she doesn't make effort to talk to others). therapist has said she really needs to do playdates with classmates. all this is complicated by the fact that with dd's SM, i can't just invite a random classmate for a playdate, it has to be someone she is comfortable with (doesn't feel pressured to play with), and that list is extremely small.

i am surprised too, bc several other ds' friends are indian and had never had an issue remotely like this! heck, over the summer one Indian mom in our neighborhood somehow got my info on whatsapp (i have no idea how, i'm never on there) and messaged me about possible playdates during the summer (with her DS, who isn't really dd's friend but he is in the same grade and only lives a few houses down). so yeah, i don't believe this is typical, at all. however, i see no other logical explanation here. over the years, dd has been repeatedly told she's not allowed to come to K's bday parties, and no playdates with DD either, and refusal to attend dd's birthday parties i do feel like dd is/will be negatively impacted by constantly feeling like she's not "good enough" for this friend which makes me hesitant to try to reach out further. for pete's sake, it shouldn't be this hard.

[KpbS]

So sorry. No btdt. I live in the south too and our Indian communities are very tight knit. DC used to have a friend who was Indian. They were very welcoming to all of their DC’s friends though. We had several play dates and went to a party at their home.

Aside from speaking to the parents directly to engage them face to face in a friendly way, I would not extend anymore invites. I do think you are setting your DD up for more disappointment, sadly. I would schedule a play date soon with another classmate/neighbor/church friend for DD. Maybe a fun activity like painting pottery or going for froyo or to a play space. Something where DD didn’t have to talk a ton.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Well that sucks. I think they are doing a disservice to their daughter.

As for your DD, I think the only thing you can do is put it on them. Not in a mean way, but I'm sure your DD realized that all the kids invited were Indian-American. Maybe just say "I think some people who move to a new country are uncomfortable about trying new things or meeting new people. I think that's unfortunate. I think K will just have to be your friend at school. And we can hope things change, but until then maybe we can find other friends for playdates." I don't know which way they're coming from, nervous that others won't accept their culture, or wanting nothing to do with yours.

i just wanted to add, thank u for this as i think this is great advice and i think i will approach it this way with my DD. i will try to stress this has nothing to do with her. and i will think of other ways to encourage her to pursue other friendships. lately, we have been taking DD and DS to school very early (7:00am dropoff) so they can eat breakfast at school, bc one of DS's friends (a girl, who DD talks to a bit and plays with) is often there, and DD and DS like to have that extra time to socialize. So, hopefully with that DD will get more opportunities to socialize with other kids.

[ahisma]

I've read, but may have missed this. Is there a chance that the parents do not speak English? That could explain the preference for Indian-only families, the lack of engagement at the school, and the lack of response to your notes.

Have you tried asking the teachers if they could assist?

[niccig]

I meant as they get older, there may be more chances to socialize through school events or extracurricular activities that K’s family allow. Now, DS and his friends set up activities to do. They all have phones, so they’re texting all the time. DS sets his own friendships and there’s little parent involvement.When he was young, I set up the play dates etc. As K gets older she may become vocal about who she wants to spend time with.


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[basil]

So sorry. I think there is actually zero chance this is about you or your DD. But I was like your DD as a kid (only had one friend at a time) and that would have been very hard.

Maybe as they get older, K will be able to articulate the why a little bit better.

But yeah, unfortunately, she has to branch out of that friendship. Tough situation.

[Kindra178]

Have you reached out to parents directly for play dates? In third grade kids don’t handle their schedule as much? Send a text, introduce yourself and ask for a play date. Let them say no to you.

It’s time to find some new friends. Reach out to other parents that your dd has identified.

Also, what activities is your dd doing?

Finally, get involved at the school. Volunteer to run an event and join the pto. By you meeting tons of moms you will meet more kids.


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[mmsmom]

I've read, but may have missed this. Is there a chance that the parents do not speak English? That could explain the preference for Indian-only families, the lack of engagement at the school, and the lack of response to your notes.

Have you tried asking the teachers if they could assist?

This is a possibility which may be why they are reluctant to call. Although usually Indians are here to work so their English is usually ok. They may not feel comfortable speaking English though which is why an email or text may be better. I agree with others that this is an issue with them and not you or DD. Something could have happened that makes them wary of friends outside of their culture. The brother was probably dropped off with his sister at party because parents didn’t feel comfortable being there but they needed some supervision for their DD. Food is a big issue- they probably don’t trust her at her age to know how to adhere to their way of eating and maybe don’t trust any one else outside of Indians to either.

I think you just have to decide if you want to pursue. If you do then I would reach out to school counselor for guidance. You could also send a note with DD to pass on to her friend’s parents with your email address to see if they would respond that way.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Quick reply since I’m at work - thing is, I’ve already done a lot of the things suggested here. Sent notes with dd , invites to parties or play dates with cell phone number to text - no response, ever. Not sure why email would be different. Without this, there is no way for me to reach out to them, as they don’t come to any school events (reading night, etc) where most other kids attend.

not sure how getting teacher involved will help at all. They can’t legally provide me their phone nUmber to text or give me any contact information for them.

dd is in piano where the teacher comes to our house. She just started swim, where she has no friends there.

i honestly do.not.have.time to do PTA or to volunteer - I work full time outside the home and am primary breadwinner. My hubs just went part time. I go to school events when I can. Dh handles a lot of the stuff.

Every summer weekend, as busy as I was, I took ds and did to community pool in weekend and they did get a chance to play with school friends there. Problem is my ds is very talkative and tends to dominate the conversations

i think folks are missing that my DD has selective mutism and very shy which is extremely difficult to handle and it’s not just a matter of meeting more kids and striking up a friendship. . just finding a random kid at an activity and asking them over is just not in the realm of possibility nor will it be effective. Imagine your kid is super shy and has only 1 or 2 friends she talks to. This is what it is like for DD. The key is she needs to spend time with kids she is already somewhat familiar with (though that list is small). I will have to see what her therapist recommends.

[sariana]

I think the suggestions to talk to the teacher included the possibility that the teacher may have insights into other students who might be a good fit for your DD, based on observing them in the classroom. I remember you had some issues (to put it mildly) with last year’s teacher. I hope things are better this year.

Also, a teacher (or counselor) can’t give you contact information, but s/he might be able to help facilitate communication between families. YMMV on these types of things.