DD banned from bff's parties/playdates-how to handle? (update #81)

[♥ms.pacman♥]

dd (3rd grade) has one bff (K) she has had since 1st day of Kindergarten. so for four years. they are in the same class this year. they are both in aftercare, and dd plays with this girl (K) at recess.


dd talks about this friend all the time. it is obvious this girl is her bff. dd is super shy and has selective mutism, so it's difficult for her to make friends. she is extreme rule-follower and very well-behaved.

dd has always invited K to her birthday parties every year. this year, as last year, dd invited her but she didn't come or even bother to RSVP. dd was disappointed, but shook it off.

we have tried to initiate play dates , but her parents always refuse, and K says she's not allowed. dh thinks it is bc we are not of the same ethnicity/cultural background. last year, K mentioned dd was not invited to her bday party bc she "doesn't eat Indian food."

last week, dd put together an invitation for K to have a playdate on a saturday, with the time, our address, and parent phone number. dd was so excited as she worked so hard on the picture on writing the invitation. K at school told her the next day her dad said no to the playdate. didn't give a reason, or suggest another time.

today, dd tells me that K's birthday party is this weekend, and dd is not invited. K says she asked her parents to invite DD but they refused saying there were already "too many people." i told dd that maybe she's not inviting any school friends and just family. she then told me that K invited various other kids from school (named various other kids, including boys, and kids i knew who were not in her grade)...the one thing in common is all the kids are Indian.

dd asked about having a playdate another time and K said her dad says she's not allowed to come to our house ever again. K came to our house once, for dd's bday party, 3 years ago, when all the girls in the class were invited. nothing out of the ordinary happened. it was a normal, boring kid party. So, not entirely sure what makes us awful people to refuse to associate with.

DD is just crushed. normally she is happy go-lucky kid but she is just so sad right now, understandably. this is the one good friend she has and she doesn't understand why her bff's family doesn't want her in the picture. i should repeat again that DD is extremely shy, well-behaved, doesn't talk to most people, is not a bully or bad influence or rowdy or whatever would prompt some parents to ban a kid from playdates or bday parties.

i also do not get it. i am an immigrant myself, non-native english speaker, and progressive and i don't get refusing to to invite a child (especially if they've been your dc's bff for the past several years) bc they're not the same culture/background as you. i don't know how to explain this to my dd at all. we talk a lot about being inclusive of all cultures and this too, so i don't get how to address this at all.

any comments/suggestions welcome. please be kind - i may have not been the most coherent, my dh is traveling and busy week at work. my dd is just so sad, she came home after school and eventually fell asleep without eating dinner (very unusual). and yes, my dd is already seeing a therapist for her SM. i will bring this topic up to her to discuss with the therapist too, but wanted some input here as well. my ideal solution is to have dd pull away from K and start finding new friends at school that she can have playdates with (with parents that are somewhat receptive to an occasional playdate! and would allow her to be invited to bday parties!) but of course, easier said than done. in the past several years my dd has been to just 1 bday party, for DS's bff (they had a blast).

[niccig]

I’m so sorry for your DD. Based on the other school invites going to children of the same ethnicity, you may be correct that this family has decided to keep social events within their same cultural group. You can’t do anything about that. DD can still play with K at school. I do think expanding DDs social circle will help her in the long term.

We live in an area with a large immigrant population. DS has many friends from this community, but now that whole class parties are over, he does mostly interact with his friends at school and on the computer playing video games. We don’t get invited to parties, which I think is due to celebrations being large family gatherings. Occasionally a group of his friends will set up going to the movies or mall together, and they see each other at soccer games.

As the girls get older, there may be opportunities to socialize outside of school that K’s parents will allow.


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[♥ms.pacman♥]

I

As the girls get older, there may be opportunities to socialize outside of school that K’s parents will allow.


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thanks nicci!

though i am curious about this statement - why would it get better when they get older? dd told me today that her parents won't allow her to come to our house "ever". guess i don't understand the rationale for that. it's not just not inviting her to bday parties (which is minor), it is not allowing her to do any playdates. i don't get it. don't concerns get worse as kids get older (drinking, online use, etc?)

tehre is one time when in school auction, DD won an pizza picnic with the 2nd grade teachers and she was allowed to bring 1 friend. this was at school, after school (during aftercare). dd told K about the event, i somehow got dd's teacher to relay message to K's parents that she was invited, so to have K go to this party with DD and not aftercare. K did go to that. so they will allow her to go to school events with DD there, but not playdates with DD. is the rationale that DD/family is somehow wrong/bad influence?

i'm stumped on how to explain this to my DD. DD wants to know why her parents don't want her to be with her outside of school, and i don't have a good/logical answer. DD thinks something is wrong with her. we teach our kids a lot about racism, and how not to exclude kids based on skin color or where they came from etc so this just seems opposite to that!

if DD was outgoing and had lots of friends, and this one friend just refused playdates, fine. but DD has SM, pretty much only talks to this one friend, so i feel it is kind of a blow to her self-esteem bc she keep will want to know what about her makes her so not-worthy of socializing with. I really wish DD would make other friends. i know teachers probably placed K in DD"s class again this year to try to "help " her, since she is so shy, but now i wish they hadn't. DD has talked to other kids in her class when she is sometimes forced to.

[gatorsmom]

thanks nicci!

though i am curious about this statement - why would it get better when they get older? dd told me today that her parents won't allow her to come to our house "ever". guess i don't understand the rationale for that. it's not just not inviting her to bday parties (which is minor), it is not allowing her to do any playdates. i don't get it. don't concerns get worse as kids get older (drinking, online use, etc?)

tehre is one time when in school auction, DD won an pizza picnic with the 2nd grade teachers and she was allowed to bring 1 friend. this was at school, after school (during aftercare). dd told K about the event, i somehow got dd's teacher to relay message to K's parents that she was invited, so to have K go to this party with DD and not aftercare. K did go to that. so they will allow her to go to school events with DD there, but not playdates with DD. is the rationale that DD/family is somehow wrong/bad influence?

i'm stumped on how to explain this to my DD. DD wants to know why her parents don't want her to be with her outside of school, and i don't have a good/logical answer. DD thinks something is wrong with her. we teach our kids a lot about racism, and how not to exclude kids based on skin color or where they came from etc so this just seems opposite to that!

if DD was outgoing and had lots of friends, and this one friend just refused playdates, fine. but DD has SM, pretty much only talks to this one friend, so i feel it is kind of a blow to her self-esteem bc she keep will want to know what about her makes her so not-worthy of socializing with. I really wish DD would make other friends. i know teachers probably placed K in DD"s class again this year to try to "help " her, since she is so shy, but now i wish they hadn't. DD has talked to other kids in her class when she is sometimes forced to.

I think what nicci means is that as the kids get older and join more extracurricular activities, the girls might have more opportunities to be together. At the very least, if your dd gets involved with activities outside of school, it gives her a chance to expand her friend network and develop some other strong friendships.

I’m so sorry she is going through this. I think you are doing a great job of helping her through it. The fact is, you just can’t assume anything about other families. Maybe it has something to do with this family’s religion, maybe an innocent comment at school got back to the parents who somehow took offense to it. Maybe they have just decided their children are assimilating too quickly and want to protect their culture, maybe your dd said she doesn’t like peanut butter and they eat a lot of it- who knows? As we all know, people can react and think in many unexpected ways. It may have nothing to do with your dd at all. Just keep telling your dd she has done nothing wrong and that she should just feel grateful that she can spend time with K at school.

[gatorsmom]

Double post

[Kindra178]

. Just keep telling your dd she has done nothing wrong and that she should just feel bad for K that she isn’t allowed to be friends with who she wants.

I don’t think this is a good idea.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

I don’t think this is a good idea.


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I agree!

No one knows what the real story is. There's a lot of speculating on here and that's unfortunate, imo.

We just don't do playdates here that much because I am insanely busy and no one lives that close/ convenient. And some birthday parties I put a hard cap of like 2 kids or we just have family only. Nothing against the other kids my kids are friends with! OP is having everything relayed between kids to her- something could *easily* be missing!

[gatorsmom]

I don’t think this is a good idea.


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No, you are right. It didn’t come out the way I meant it and I actually went back and changed it. It’s weird- the one I changed saved as a whole new post. Not sure why. I’ll erase the first one.

[MMMommy]

OP, I am so sorry that your DD is going through this. It must be terribly hurtful for your DD. I see no point in trying to find answers from K or K's parents. And I see no point in furthering any relationship with K inside or outside of school. Clearly, K's parents have made it clear that they don't want K to have a relationship with your DD. And I am guessing that the only reason why she maintains a relationship with your DD in school is because the parents are not there and can't stop K from playing or socializing with your DD in school. I don't know why K's parents don't want her to socialize with your DD. It could be because of race and cultural reasons, because of your DD's SM, or for any reason under the sun. We don't know the reasons why, and you will not find out the "true" answer short of asking them outright (which I would NOT do). I don't see the furthering of DD and K's relationship as being a positive thing for your DD. I see it as only hurting your DD more as time goes on. Because your DD will become more dependent on K over time. I don't think a "school only" friend is fair or healthy for your DD. I would not forbid DD from socializing with K at school, but I would not go out of my way to encourage it or cultivate that particular friendship. I think the focus should be on making new friends and new relationships with the help and guidance of her therapist. I don't think any of us can truly understand the hardships of SM, so her therapist is in the best position to help her navigate this. DD making a new friend may not happen in one week, one month, or even one year. But it will happen. She will make a new friend or multiple friends at some point in time. Hugs to you and your DD. I'm sad that she going through this tough time.

[fauve01]

OP, i tried to read skimmed through all the posts but am not sure if i saw that you spoke directly to the girls parents. If you didn't speak directly to them, I would definitely recommend doing that. Otherwise, IMO (how it worked with my dd and the kids at her elem) sometimes it is like a big game of telephone, in that whatever was originally said translates to something different each time it gets repeated to a new person. Little kids don't always get the story right, however much they think they did. Just another thing to think about.