DD banned from bff's parties/playdates-how to handle? (update #81)

[♥ms.pacman♥]

dd (3rd grade) has one bff (K) she has had since 1st day of Kindergarten. so for four years. they are in the same class this year. they are both in aftercare, and dd plays with this girl (K) at recess.


dd talks about this friend all the time. it is obvious this girl is her bff. dd is super shy and has selective mutism, so it's difficult for her to make friends. she is extreme rule-follower and very well-behaved.

dd has always invited K to her birthday parties every year. this year, as last year, dd invited her but she didn't come or even bother to RSVP. dd was disappointed, but shook it off.

we have tried to initiate play dates , but her parents always refuse, and K says she's not allowed. dh thinks it is bc we are not of the same ethnicity/cultural background. last year, K mentioned dd was not invited to her bday party bc she "doesn't eat Indian food."

last week, dd put together an invitation for K to have a playdate on a saturday, with the time, our address, and parent phone number. dd was so excited as she worked so hard on the picture on writing the invitation. K at school told her the next day her dad said no to the playdate. didn't give a reason, or suggest another time.

today, dd tells me that K's birthday party is this weekend, and dd is not invited. K says she asked her parents to invite DD but they refused saying there were already "too many people." i told dd that maybe she's not inviting any school friends and just family. she then told me that K invited various other kids from school (named various other kids, including boys, and kids i knew who were not in her grade)...the one thing in common is all the kids are Indian.

dd asked about having a playdate another time and K said her dad says she's not allowed to come to our house ever again. K came to our house once, for dd's bday party, 3 years ago, when all the girls in the class were invited. nothing out of the ordinary happened. it was a normal, boring kid party. So, not entirely sure what makes us awful people to refuse to associate with.

DD is just crushed. normally she is happy go-lucky kid but she is just so sad right now, understandably. this is the one good friend she has and she doesn't understand why her bff's family doesn't want her in the picture. i should repeat again that DD is extremely shy, well-behaved, doesn't talk to most people, is not a bully or bad influence or rowdy or whatever would prompt some parents to ban a kid from playdates or bday parties.

i also do not get it. i am an immigrant myself, non-native english speaker, and progressive and i don't get refusing to to invite a child (especially if they've been your dc's bff for the past several years) bc they're not the same culture/background as you. i don't know how to explain this to my dd at all. we talk a lot about being inclusive of all cultures and this too, so i don't get how to address this at all.

any comments/suggestions welcome. please be kind - i may have not been the most coherent, my dh is traveling and busy week at work. my dd is just so sad, she came home after school and eventually fell asleep without eating dinner (very unusual). and yes, my dd is already seeing a therapist for her SM. i will bring this topic up to her to discuss with the therapist too, but wanted some input here as well. my ideal solution is to have dd pull away from K and start finding new friends at school that she can have playdates with (with parents that are somewhat receptive to an occasional playdate! and would allow her to be invited to bday parties!) but of course, easier said than done. in the past several years my dd has been to just 1 bday party, for DS's bff (they had a blast).

[niccig]

I’m so sorry for your DD. Based on the other school invites going to children of the same ethnicity, you may be correct that this family has decided to keep social events within their same cultural group. You can’t do anything about that. DD can still play with K at school. I do think expanding DDs social circle will help her in the long term.

We live in an area with a large immigrant population. DS has many friends from this community, but now that whole class parties are over, he does mostly interact with his friends at school and on the computer playing video games. We don’t get invited to parties, which I think is due to celebrations being large family gatherings. Occasionally a group of his friends will set up going to the movies or mall together, and they see each other at soccer games.

As the girls get older, there may be opportunities to socialize outside of school that K’s parents will allow.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[TwinFoxes]

Well that sucks. I think they are doing a disservice to their daughter.

As for your DD, I think the only thing you can do is put it on them. Not in a mean way, but I'm sure your DD realized that all the kids invited were Indian-American. Maybe just say "I think some people who move to a new country are uncomfortable about trying new things or meeting new people. I think that's unfortunate. I think K will just have to be your friend at school. And we can hope things change, but until then maybe we can find other friends for playdates." I don't know which way they're coming from, nervous that others won't accept their culture, or wanting nothing to do with yours.

If she wants to keep inviting K I probably wouldn't discourage it as long as she knows beforehand the chances aren't good the invites will be accepted. Maybe one day they will change their mind. It takes a cold heart to look at an invitation hand drawn by a little kid and just go "nope." Obviously if she's devastated with each refusal I'd rethink.

Do you know the parents? Maybe you can try to get them to warm up to you, and warm up to your daughter too.

[Liziz]

What a tough situation for your DD!

Do you know the parents at all? Cultural groups aside, some parents are very hesitant to allow their children to go to other people's homes when they don't know the person well (like me, for instance!). It wouldn't shock me if some simply don't allow it at all. Perhaps instead of inviting K to your house, you could try to set up a play date at a park or neutral location?

There's also a chance it won't work out at all regardless, and that totally sucks for your DD. I think the best thing you can do is to encourage other friendships (while still staying friends with K, of course!).

P.S. - It's totally legit to be annoyed here, too! If this family has made a choice to not foster friendships between all kids, that's a bummer but their choice. But even if that's their choice, it's incredibly rude to just ignore your invitations, not RSVP, etc.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I

As the girls get older, there may be opportunities to socialize outside of school that K’s parents will allow.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

thanks nicci!

though i am curious about this statement - why would it get better when they get older? dd told me today that her parents won't allow her to come to our house "ever". guess i don't understand the rationale for that. it's not just not inviting her to bday parties (which is minor), it is not allowing her to do any playdates. i don't get it. don't concerns get worse as kids get older (drinking, online use, etc?)

tehre is one time when in school auction, DD won an pizza picnic with the 2nd grade teachers and she was allowed to bring 1 friend. this was at school, after school (during aftercare). dd told K about the event, i somehow got dd's teacher to relay message to K's parents that she was invited, so to have K go to this party with DD and not aftercare. K did go to that. so they will allow her to go to school events with DD there, but not playdates with DD. is the rationale that DD/family is somehow wrong/bad influence?

i'm stumped on how to explain this to my DD. DD wants to know why her parents don't want her to be with her outside of school, and i don't have a good/logical answer. DD thinks something is wrong with her. we teach our kids a lot about racism, and how not to exclude kids based on skin color or where they came from etc so this just seems opposite to that!

if DD was outgoing and had lots of friends, and this one friend just refused playdates, fine. but DD has SM, pretty much only talks to this one friend, so i feel it is kind of a blow to her self-esteem bc she keep will want to know what about her makes her so not-worthy of socializing with. I really wish DD would make other friends. i know teachers probably placed K in DD"s class again this year to try to "help " her, since she is so shy, but now i wish they hadn't. DD has talked to other kids in her class when she is sometimes forced to.

[georgiegirl]

Your poor DD. That must be hard for her to understand. I would try to tell her it’s because of cultural differences and her family feels more comfortable socializing with other Indians.

Our school district has a fairly large Indian population (maybe 15-20% of the kids in our elementary school are Indian...in first grade DS1 had 8 Indian girls in his class...and 4 white girls.). And I
have noticed that DS1 never gets invited to his Indian friends houses for play dates or birthday parties. (But then again we don’t have their contact info, but I’m pretty sure they don’t celebrate their birthday with large friend parties.) DD has been to one Indian friend’s birthday party a few times, and she hangs out with two Indian girls fairly regularly. I do know one set of parents and they are very Americanized, and the parents really like DD. We will see with Ds2. I think 1/3 of the boys in his K class are Indian.

ETA: adding that I agree with nicci that it will get better as they get older...like middle school. Because at that age, kids arrange things themselves. DD and her friends arrange to meet at the mall (including Indian friends) or go to the movies.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[♥ms.pacman♥]

thanks everyone. i do not know the parents at all. i have never seen them at any school events or pta events or the like. i don't what their names are or anything. they really are not involved in school community at all. not like i am, but i am involved enolugh to know essentially all the other parents that my kids associate with and it is never even remotely this difficult to meet or contact the parents. most parents text with an RSVP saying they can or cant come to a party, so i have most parents' phone numbers. they have never responded to a bday party invited.

i agree, it does seem cold hearted to just look at a hand-drawn invitation by a kid , knowing it's your dd's bff and just refuse.

i don't buy the excuse of not watning playdates at a "stranger's" house - if that was the case, they could just stay and hang out and supervise. i have done that before when i didn't know the parents but dc were invited to a party. and we're not really strangers- kids have been in class together for 4 years. also, dd's bday party was at a gymnastics place last year and K did not attend (or RSVP)>

as for playdates in a neutral location - thought about this, this is Texas, where it's still 100 degrees, so parks are out for a while. and honestly, i'm not sure i want to keep making the effort, as i think i may be sending the wrong message to my dd. i don't want her thinking she has to beg and plead just to get a friend to play with her outside of school.

[Globetrotter]

Wow, I’m kind of stunned by this post, and my heart hurts for your dd, esp given her SM and sweet note. FTR I’m indian-american.
It’s possible that the parents are more recent immigrants and only socialize with people within their comfort zone, namely Indians. We live in a very diverse community and I’ve never really seen this, at least not for kid’s parties. For grown up parties, sure, it happens all the time. Heck, there are people who only socialize with people from their region, or look down on South Indians, or vice versa, but I think that’s very rare nowadays.
It’s possible that they are not comfortable socializing with others, but they really shouldn’t bring their dd into this. I bet it’s just their lack of comfort so try not to take it personally.
Dd and K can play at school and maybe one day the parents will adapt and mellow. PP’s idea of a neutral location is an idea.. but they may still say no. Try to Encourage her to play with others also.

[mmsmom]

I am so sorry your DD is going through this. My father is Indian but he came to the US in the 60’s so there was no choice but to embrace the US culture. My Mom is American and I was raised with very little Indian culture outside of food and some trips to India. However now there is a large Indian population where we live and the majority of them do not socialize outside of their culture. I have a few cousins in different parts of the US and they are like this too. My mom tries to encourage them by telling them they can keep their culture while still experiencing other cultures as well. But instead the pick where they live based on where most of the Indians in that area live.

It is frustrating and unfair and if the situation were reversed your family would be accused of being racist.

DD does have an Indian friend who is allowed to come to our house but not spend the night, which is fine. She has been to a birthday party at her house and she has been on some outings with us. There are other Indians in our neighborhood who are very integrated in our community and have friends from many cultures. So it certainly isn’t all Indians and I think a lot of factors are at play.

I would encourage DD’s other friendships. If you can get an email for a parent you could email to see if you could meet at a park. But I think it is probably best to encourage her to move on to other friends.

[twowhat?]

dd asked about having a playdate another time and K said her dad says she's not allowed to come to our house ever again. K came to our house once, for dd's bday party, 3 years ago, when all the girls in the class were invited. nothing out of the ordinary happened. it was a normal, boring kid party. So, not entirely sure what makes us awful people to refuse to associate with.

Wow, just wow!! Did the parents stay at the bday party 3 years ago or did they drop her off?? This is just so bizarre to me and I feel really bad for your DD.

My DD2 also has trouble making friends and her therapist continually emphasizes how important it is to expand the friend horizons so we are working on that but it is hard! I think it just gets harder and harder for girls as they get older.

We live in a community where the schools are close to 50% Indian and I'm shocked by your description of this family. My kids are invited to their Indian friends' birthday parties, and all ethnicities are invited! The Indian parents are super sweet and social (they are mostly immigrants...I've only met a couple who seemed like they were born here). If anything, there are enough white people here who are uncomfortable about the fact that the demographic is so heavily Indian and that their poor white kid is almost a minority and want the schools to "diversify" (whatever that means, ha! It means they just want it to be more white!) I can't imagine what would make an Indian family shelter their poor kid so that they never associate with anyone non-Indian. That's super, super sad. I wonder if something happened between the time they allowed K to go to your DD's party and now and that it had nothing to do with you. I wonder if they experienced some horrible racism or something.

Your poor DD. I hope things look up soon!