DD banned from bff's parties/playdates-how to handle? (update #81)

[mommy111]

Do what’s best for your child, you’re the mom and you know best how she feels and what will work.
i was one of the people who suggested calling the parents. That is just my personal philosophy, bad behavior needs to be called out, politely, nicely, but it does need to be called out. But if that’s not your style, end of story and move on. You’re not under any obligation except to act in whatever way is best for your kiddo

[dogmom]

The only thing I can offer that hasn’t is to be careful of how you explain the whys to your DD. I would often offer explanations for other kids exclusionary or hurtful behavior to my kids. For example, telling my son in elementary school that one of his friends that would get physical at times might be due to frustration or sadness, not just anger. This kind of talk about there are many reasons that people do X things and it might not be what you think was helpful to me son. However, for my DD she heard this kind of talk as invalidating her feelings of being hurt. Certainly not my intentions. Sort of the equivalent of you wanting to vent and your partner offering suggestions of how to fix the problem instead of just listening. It sounds like your DD is genuinely confused, but I would keep validating she has a right to be sad and confused. It’s also OK for you to share with her this whole situation makes you sad and confused also.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

The only thing I can offer that hasn’t is to be careful of how you explain the whys to your DD. I would often offer explanations for other kids exclusionary or hurtful behavior to my kids. For example, telling my son in elementary school that one of his friends that would get physical at times might be due to frustration or sadness, not just anger. This kind of talk about there are many reasons that people do X things and it might not be what you think was helpful to me son. However, for my DD she heard this kind of talk as invalidating her feelings of being hurt. Certainly not my intentions. Sort of the equivalent of you wanting to vent and your partner offering suggestions of how to fix the problem instead of just listening. It sounds like your DD is genuinely confused, but I would keep validating she has a right to be sad and confused. It’s also OK for you to share with her this whole situation makes you sad and confused also.

OMG, i think you hit the nail on the head! Yes, thank you for this. I think this explains my initial frustration and sadness here - i feel like DD has every right to be upset and confused over this (and i do too!!). no matter what the actual reason (whether legitimate or not), i think it's logical that an 8-year-old, especially a sensitive and super timid one at that, has the right to be upset over it, given the circumstances. Whatever the reason, the effect is that DD feels hurt and excluded, and it's hard to blame her.

i was cleaning out the kids' backpacks today and found the playdate invite dd had sent the week before. dd explained she had given to K but then the next day K had said her parents had said no, she wasn't allowed to come to our house, and K had returned the invite to DD (not sure if her parents made her return it). fwiw it wasn't some random strip of paper with kid scrawled on with a phone number, it was an 8.5x11 piece of construction paper that dd had decorated over the weekend, invitation-style, with a hand drawn picture of a house and kids playing, date and time and parent name and phone number for RSVP etc, that dd had placed in a labeled envelope.

my DD is still sad but i think she will be ok the other day we were at the store getting items for a school project and dd insisted on getting something for K as it was her bday on Friday. "I still can't go to her party, but i want to get her a present." dd bought a tiny canvas and easel and made the sweetest painting, and took it to school in a gift bag to give to K. DD did come home upset yesterday and broke down for a while, not understanding why "I can't come to K's birthday party, but x, y, z (other classmate) does! ". i told her she has the right to be upset, sometimes grownups make rules we don't understand, but we can move on and make other friends we can do playdates with. I can tell DD can't help but take it personally, that she isn't "good enough" somehow. I told DD that 99% of families probably would love to have their kid come to our house, or have DD come to their house, and it's just luck of the draw we ended up with the 1% that for whatever reason, doesn't.

anyway. i apologize for my frustration earlier. on this board and elsewhere i read so many things about kids and friend struggles- about bullying, about mean-girl behavior, kids making fun of another kids' special needs, but i never ever in a million years expected something like this, so it really just took me (and DD) by surprise. appreciate all the perspectives on this.

[Gracemom]

Aww your DD sounds like she has such a big heart. I think you handled yesterday really well. I hope her next friend can fully participate in your dd's life and they have many happy playdates. I'm sure this was a hard lesson learned for her about how the world works sometimes. It's hard to watch your child in pain.

[doberbrat]

Yesterday she came home from school upset bc in Music class, the kids each had to take turns singing and it was her turn to sing, she couldn't speak (obviously), and all the kids laughed at her Though I give kudos to her for going to school every morning and not having a fit, she does put on a brave face through everything.

I think this piece definitely needs to be addressed. I would reach out to the teacher and find out more. Were the kids who laughed spoken to? What is the expectation in situations like these? I think that briefly pausing to see if she would like to participate IS appropriate and then moving on. Perhaps she could shake her head no? Would that work for her? Or is there a nonverbal que that she could agree to make? Then she is still participating and included but not forced to do something she cant. But the laughing must be stopped. I would have immediately stopped the class and sternly reminded them that we do not laugh at classmates. It is not kind etc.

[Globetrotter]

She’s such a sweet girl. Anyone would be lucky to have her as a friend! I hope she gets the friendship she deserves.