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  1. #21
    SnuggleBuggles is online now Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Mostly posting because that really stinks and I am sad for your dd.

    Can you or dh take her to swimming, stay and talk to the other parents? You could make a connection there.

    Not to derail but:
    "i honestly do.not.have.time to do PTA or to volunteer - I work full time outside the home and am primary breadwinner. My hubs just went part time. I go to school events when I can. Dh handles a lot of the stuff."
    Do you honestly think that most people don't have the same amount of free time that you do? 95% of our volunteers (including room parents, event organizers...) work full time in demanding jobs. You are not unique with your time constraints. People make time for things they value and prioritize. My dh works until 7 and then during musical season goes to help with sets and costumes until 9-10pm every night. Until he found a project he really enjoyed and valued, he'd have said he didn't have time to volunteer. He made time though for something. I really think you have a different version of what volunteering at school needs to look like than it's really like. Heck, my favorite volunteers are the ones that stick around simply for 30 minutes after an event and put a few tables away- you might not get your kicks out of that but it is volunteering, it could easily fit in your schedule if you are already at an event, you'd get a chance to talk to other parents and they would be thrilled to have you! No one wants to stay and clean up- many hands lighten the load!

  2. #22
    hbridge is online now Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    My child has a different diagnosis, but it is socially isolating as SM.

    My advice is to let the friendship play out and simply encourage your child. Try not to get involved in this friendship, but don't discourage it either. Help her understand that the parents reaction is not due to anything that she has done. There is nothing to come of getting the school involved. If you see the parents at a school event, I would certainly try talking to them, however, I would not seek them out or ask for "answers". Remember that everything is being filtered through the child lens. Your DD's friend may be misinterpreting what her parents are saying (or not).

    Encourage your daughter, make sure she knows that she is not at fault; make sure she knows that she is a wonderful person as she is! Keep a steady stream of positive reinforcement. Give advice when you can or when she asks, but your DD need to figure out how to navigate the friendships. It is painful to watch sometimes, but she will figure it out.

    The only thing I would do was encourage her to get involved in an activity outside of school so she can meet different kids. Maybe an art class or something without your DS. However, this will only work if it's an interest of hers AND if it fits easily into your family schedule. It is okay to just let things play out!

    Sending hugs. It is SO HARD to watch our socially challenged kids navigate this "girl" friendship landmine. Stay positive and keep building up her self-esteem... Sometimes doing less is best.

  3. #23
    ♥ms.pacman♥ is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I meant to add, the concern about food does makes sense and I get that...though it doesnít explain why dd wouldnít be allowed over to their house or to her bday party. Iíve seen kids do the whole ďI canít go to your house but you can come to mineĒ because of parents concerns about food or guns in the home or dogs or whatever but this isnít the case here.

  4. #24
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    Honestly, I'm not sure what more you can do. I would be hesitant to get the teacher involved in any way. This isn't an issue between the two kids but with one of the kids' parents. I can't imagine a teacher wanting to step into that minefield.

    I'm so sorry y'all are experiencing this.
    DS: Raising heck since 12/09

  5. #25
    Liziz is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    First - I'd definitely work very hard to explain to your DD that there is nothing wrong with her and that this isn't about her directly. BUT - I would be very very careful to not ascribe a motive to why K's family isn't allowing her over. It's super easy to say "oh they don't like hanging out with non-Indians" - but until you hear that directly from the parent's mouth, you don't know that. I think as parents we have a responsibility to teach our kids to not assume motivation and to understand in situations that we don't have all the facts, and to be comfortable with ambiguity. It totally sucks and is super hard for a young child, but this is the time to learn those skills. When I've had situations where I don't know for sure and my kids are really pushing for an "answer" I work with them to create a list of "possible reasons" and stress that we don't know for sure (for example, in this case it could be "parents don't believe in playdates", "K's family is super busy and doesn't have time", "K's family's shares a car and they can't drive her to/from playdates and don't like her driving with others", "K's family is from another country and feels most comfortable with other people from that country".) - I feel like trying to think of lots of reasons makes sure they don't make assumptions and also helps them try to put themselves in others' shoes.

    I honestly also think it's really important to teach kids to be okay with the fact that not everyone may like them. Again, I have young DDs and I get that this is so, so hard (we moved this year so my DDs are going through new friendship navigation, too), but it will serve them so well in life to be comfortable with that. And I'm not saying that you should tell your DD "oh, the parents don't like you and you should be okay with that" -- Not at all!!! But I do think that in situations where our kids are expressing concern over "I think so and so doesn't like me..." that it's really important to not just respond with "oh no, you're perfect, I'm sure they like you" etc. but to give them some encouragement to take a "so what? I'm great, if you chose that you don't like me, you're the one missing out". (while still acknowledging how much it hurts to not be liked and that it's okay to feel upset about it).

    I think I'd probably respond to my DD with something like "This totally sucks. K is a great friend and I know you really want her to come over here and play. I'm super bummed for you and I know you're feeling sad too, which is okay! I don't know why K's parents don't want playdates, but every family gets to make their own choices, and it seems like this is their choice. You and K can still have lots of fun at school, but we'll stop doing playdate invitations. I know playdates are fun though -- who else would you like to invite over?"

    Regarding playdates - it must be so very tough with your daughter's SM and that totally makes this harder! We're in GA so days are crazy hot here too, I can sympathize! We did a playdate last weekend at a splash pad - I wonder if you have any of those around? I also wonder if something like that would be better for your DD because kids never really seem to talk -- they're just running around getting wet/splashing and there's not a lot of conversation. I'm clearly not at all familiar with the characteristics of SM, but just throwing out ideas!

    Another playdate idea - I wonder if there's another child with a receptive parent with whom you (or your DH) could set up recurring playdates - like every Monday after school or something. Initially maybe activities could be planned where you as the parent are really involved, so it can be fun for both girls even if your DD isn't talking (like a craft, a kid-appropriate cooking/baking project), a board game that doesn't require talking, and hopefully it would help your DD gain more comfort. It's got to be hard at school to form those new connections since I'm sure she always understandably wants to get in her play time with K, so you might have to push it a little outside of school!

    Good luck. Totally totally sucks when our kids are upset and it's for a reason that seems ridiculous to us.
    Lizi
    DD1 2012
    DD2 2015

  6. #26
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    Can you put your DD in a team sport? Besides swim like softball?

    Thereís several layers to this issue; it really sucks Ks parents are being like that and we can speculate all we want whatís up with that dynamic. It does your DD no good to keep hanging out with K, cuz itíll hust take away her focus from new potential better friendships. So just let that die out, no more attempts in inviting K for play dates and the like. Dd can play with K whenever is feasible within school hours.

    Also, saying this gently, I also think expanding her friendship circle need to be made a higher priority. Girls friendships are different from boys, itís harder as they get older and form tighter groups. So now is really the time to expand her circle, rope DH into ideas and ask your DDís therapist on ideas how to approach and make friends while not making her SM a bigger deal. Lastly, involve the school social worker or counselor and ask for guidance to expand her circle of friends that can grow over time.

    You said itís hard with SM, and I totally get it cuz Iím deaf so making friends with hearing people doesnít come easy to me. It takes time, preservance and persistence to make that happen. Hence why I said you and DH need to focus on this as a higher priority; having one friend to rely on isnít gonna do your DD any favors with her SM in the long run. It is so hard though, but nothing can be gained by not trying different approaches. Hang in there, and just forget K and her family altogether.


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  7. #27
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    Maybe this family has had a bad/racist experience with another non-Indian family, and they are lumping you in with white people. Maybe theyíre nervous about guns. It could be a language issue, but as I said we live in a very diverse place and If a parent doesnít feel comfortable with English, which is sometimes the case, they will just drop off the kid. Who knows? For whatever reason they are comfortable with hanging out with other Indians, which is their unique quirk.
    Unfortunately itís your ddís Bff!

    I do agree with PP that dd will have to branch out. I know the SM makes this very difficult, but itís true that girl friendships are a different ball game. They tend to form at a younger age. I hope the counselor has some ideas, But itís third gradeÖ Fortunately you are still at the age where parents can intervene and arrange play dates, so maybe try an active play date that doesnít involve much talking. As DD gets older, sheíll be on her own, which will present other challenges.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Globetrotter View Post
    Maybe this family has had a bad/racist experience with another non-Indian family, and they are lumping you in with white people. Maybe they’re nervous about guns. It could be a language issue, but as I said we live in a very diverse place and If a parent doesn’t feel comfortable with English, which is sometimes the case, they will just drop off the kid. Who knows? For whatever reason they are comfortable with hanging out with other Indians, which is their unique quirk.
    Unfortunately it’s your dd’s Bff!
    I didn't want to say, but your famiiy is Latino, correct? With all that is going on in our country, people choosing not to hang with "certain people" doesn't surprise me at all. Of course that's speculation, but as a fellow minority, nothing is off the table as far as I'm concerned. Obviously, you'll never know. *shrugs*
    DS: Raising heck since 12/09

  9. #29
    Kindra178 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I agree with SB here. You can run an event. Iím not saying be pto president, for heavenís sake. My running a one off event, you will meet a ton of people which will facilitate friendships for your dd. Iím talking movie night, a pancake breakfast, pasta night. Itís a one and done, and your commitment will be limited.

    Based on your multiple posts above, by you affirmatively reaching out will clarify for you their position. Sending notes with your kid are very different.

    Is it too late to sign up for soccer or fall ball? Pay the late fee and put her in both. Or an art class? Basketball sign ups will be coming up shortly. Sign her up for a team. She will definitely meet new people.

    Like others have said, at her age, parents can help a childís social life immensely.

    You need to help dd identify other girls to play with and have them over for play and dinner. Do it on a Saturday. Identify four people and reach out to each of them. No notes with dd. You need to do this.




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  10. #30
    ♥ms.pacman♥ is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by carolinacool View Post
    I didn't want to say, but your famiiy is Latino, correct? With all that is going on in our country, people choosing not to hang with "certain people" doesn't surprise me at all. Of course that's speculation, but as a fellow minority, nothing is off the table as far as I'm concerned. Obviously, you'll never know. *shrugs*
    Yes. We are not white, tho maybe to others we appear to be. I was gonna say, it reminds me how a lot of mom groups in our area are mostly white and I do think it’s because they feel more comfortable around people like them. It’s not that they actively hate minorities or want to exclude , but they feel more comfortable with people of similar background. Same thing goes on with men excluding women in workplace. I personally think though this is a form racism (or sexism) and something to discourage. . I don’t think it should be excused bc the person doing it is a minority.

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