I need help responding appropriately

[anonomom]

We're 4 weeks into school, and DS (3rd grade) is struggling hard. Yesterday, I received a note home asking for a meeting, as well as a sheaf of papers, half of which DS is being asked to redo. I'm struggling between my natural inclination to follow teachers' orders and my mama bear instincts, and I could use some help.

To start, I know DS can be a frustrating kid. He despises school, doesn't like to read, and his handwriting/spelling is on par with that of a preschooler. His attitude sometimes stinks (I posted about that a few weeks ago, and we're working on getting him evaluated). OTOH, he can read well above grade level and is absorbing and understanding his lessons. For example, he'll get every question substantively right on a quiz, but every answer will be misspelled and hard to read. His teachers in first and second grade worked hard on him with the handwriting, and we've spent hours at home, too. Both of those teachers seemed to think he just needed to mature a little bit more and he'd finally "click" with the writing aspect of school. It hasn't happened yet, but the point is that right now his bad handwriting isn't a willful thing.

In addition, this year, there has been a big leap up in expectations for the students, particularly with regard to organization and independent work, and DS is failing at that.

All of this is to say, I understand why his teachers might be frustrated, and I stand ready to help in any way I can. But from the work I'm seeing come home, I think they may be letting that frustration slip into petty and punitive behavior.

For example, one of his assignments came home with the note "please redo," without further instruction/corrections beyond one misspelled word circled. The assignment was for the kids to illustrate and write three ways that they be responsible citizens. DS did that, and both the pictures and the written answers look appropriate. The handwriting is still awful, but the pictures are utterly decipherable and most of the words are even spelled correctly. I cannot figure out why the assignment was wholly rejected. I asked DS and he said he thinks maybe his coloring wasn't neat enough.

A second worksheet came home with the instruction that he redo it and have me sign it. It was a reading comp worksheet with no instructions, and DS got every question right; the only hint of the problem was the teacher's note that he hadn't used "Runners." I was able to figure out what Runners is (it's a test taking strategy, where kids have to underline and highlight certain info in the passages), but I do not understand why an assignment on which he got 100% is being returned for a redo, when the sheet never included instructions that DS use test-taking strategies.

A math assignment also came home for my signature. Again, DS had gotten every question right, had shown his work, and the sheet looked good. But he didn't "annotate" the problems (again, underline and highlight); a requirement not noted anywhere on the worksheet but that they have apparently learned as part of their in-class preparation for standardized testing at the end of this year.

The rest of the papers which were deemed adequate and didn't need to be redone just make me sad. There is not a word of encouragement; never even a single whiff of acknowledgement that DS has done anything right. There are nitpicks galore, though. One the only assignment where DS received a passing grade, he wrote a thorough and quite legible paragraph about a story he had read. It was very clear that he'd tried hard to use his best handwriting. The teacher (a) rewrote the entire paragraph out in her own handwriting, (b) graded it a "3 for content," (taking the two together, I surmise she was required to use mastery-based grading but wanted to make sure DS knew that she found his handwriting unacceptable) and rebuked DS for (correctly) identifying the setting of the story as a particular country, rather than as the continent on which the country is found.

So I'll be meeting with the teachers next week sometime, and I need to prepare. I want to let them know that I will do whatever I can to support them and DS, particularly with regard to his handwriting and his organizational skills. But I also want to make it clear that I expect them to stop punishing him for that poor handwriting and start focusing on the content of his work. I also plan to ask them to stop punishing him for failing to use strategies whose only purpose (according to the class website) is preparation for standardized testing, unless and until DS shows that he cannot succeed without those strategies, and I'm tempted to opt DS out of busywork like he reading log, so that we can continue focusing on his developing enjoyment of reading. Most importantly, I want to make sure they understand that I am trying desperately to keep DS from just shutting down altogether on school and reading. I absolutely understand and respect their need to be obeyed and their high standards for DS's work, but what's happening right now is sending DS the clear message that they think he's an overall poor student (and believe me, he gets it).

So I guess I'm asking for a couple of things. First, maybe some validation -- am I being overprotective, or do the examples above seem unfairly punitive/petty? Second, if you've ever had to have such a meeting with your kid's teachers, how did you handle it? What did you say? And how did it go? And third, if you're a teacher, how would you want a parent to approach you in this circumstance? What would be a reasonable compromise?

[bisous]

I don't think you sound overprotective. I think it 100% appropriate to approach this meeting as an opportunity solely to advocate for your child. I would definitely be interested in meeting with the teacher!

For prep, I'd do a couple of things. First, I'd bring my own analysis of strengths and weaknesses that your DS possesses. It sometimes helps to acknowledge things that they can truly work on. With my DS1 who was both a strong student and had some issues (handwriting for one!) it was evident that there were some things that we (DS1 and I) would be willing to do better at. But there were others that he just wasn't developmentally able to do to the level the school wanted to see. He had a 504 and that helped, I don't think your DS has that currently? List the skills you observe that could be improved upon and make another list for the skills that seem to be beyond his ability at this time. The teacher cannot expect him to improve in all facets at once. Bring a list of suggestions that you think might help the teacher with your DS.

I would bring copies of all the papers that you've been asked to redo and have her explain them. I would go into this part with an open mind. There might be some kind of logic what she's doing that you can learn from that will be helpful for your DS. Once she explains that, if she's looking for improvements that you don't think he is capable of (handwriting for example) that would be a good time to express your concern. Bring out your lists. Ask for her help in working on things that you think are within his realm of improvement. Allow her expertise as a teacher to open your mind to things you might not have thought of. Insist that if he cannot improve in certain ways, that he be allowed a certain amount of grace. State that you'd like him assessed by the school or that you're doing his own assessment.

I would keep the tone very polite. I would defer to her knowledge of specific grade appropriate topics as that is her expertise and anytime you can ask and use her advice I would do so. I would be complimentary. And polite but I'd be firm about not holding him to a standard that he is incapable of achieving. I'd also use the meeting to assess if you are seeing overwhelming negativity towards your son. If she is really nitpicking him for every little thing maybe changing teachers is in order? DH had a terrible 3rd grade teacher and it was scarring. He thought he was stupid from that time until he was in his 20s in Jr. College.

[dogmom]

I’m just going to hit the higher points. so please don’t take my brevity as any criticism.

Don’t think of it as “how do I respond” because it puts you in a defensive posture. You are “looking for information and insight” which is what the teachers should be doing. I think it’s a GREAT sign they are asking for a meeting instead of this dragging on until you ask for one. Come prepared with a list of what you observe, positive and needs improvement, and think of it as a collaborative exercise. Really listen to what they are saying first. It is too soon to decide how to respond.

If you see a big mismatch between your child’s abilities (great at reading and horrible at spelling) that persists until grade 3 you should really consider asking for testing. Intellectual facile children can compensate for their deficits, to a point, then things fall apart. In grade 2 I realized my DD spelling wasn’t just poor spelling. She got tested, she got an IEP, she worked hard, and my 6th grade she made so much progress she did not need that extra help. She still has her underlying verbal processing issue, but she has learned how to compensate in a way that will work going into high school and college.

I find it helpful to step back and think, this is not my child, but a child I’ve been assigned to guard their best interests. It’s much easier to be objective, but still advocate strongly for them.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Others covered things well. I was just thinking that not all schools are good fits for kids. I have a friend who is outside the box and any observer can see the (Catholic) school he’s in is a poor fit for him. Mom is always distraught and sad about how the school handles her kid but she refuses to change schools. Most of her friends could name at least 5 schools that would be a better fit for her kid. So, at the moment, it seems like he has no one who can really make things better. He’s in 8th grade now and it’s been a bad fit since kindergarten. Don’t be that mom. If the school can’t work with your kiddo, it’s ok to look for a new school.


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[sariana]

I'm a teacher, and based on your description your son's teacher sounds like a bad teacher. Of course I'm seeing only your perspective, but when it comes to your kid, YOUR perspective matters.

Your concerns seem very reasonable. One thing I would want to know is what strategies is the teacher using to TEACH those organizational skills and etc. Kids don't suddenly just become more organized because they get to 3rd grade; most have to be taught those skills.

One piece of advice I have for the meeting itself: use the the sandwich method. Say something positive about the teacher (e.g. "I really appreciate how much attention you give my son"); then express your concerns; then end with another positive (if there is anything your son does like about her class, this would be a good time to mention it). People tend to make emotional connections from the first and last things we say to them, so make those interactions the positive ones.

Others have given good advice about delineating your son's strengths and areas of need.

Don't be afraid to address the concept of a mismatch with your son. You should always support the teacher in a professional way, but it's okay to discuss with your DS that there are people in the world who see things differently, and we just need to learn to get along with them. This teacher does not define him as a person or as a student, but he does need to follow directions and do what she expects of him because the teacher is in charge. I'm not sure I'm phrasing that very well. I'm just trying to say that you need to protect your son's feelings and self-esteem while still expecting him to be a "compliant" student. Don't let one teacher scar him.

Maybe it's something about third grade. My DS's 3rd grade teacher was awful, too.

[petesgirl]

I just want to offer hugs because we are kind of in the same boat! DS is in 3rd grade and he has struggled with math in the past, he is doing ok this year but still insists that he is bad at math. It just makes me sad that he has already labeled himself that way. Kids pick up on our negativity so quickly and they do take it personally. He also has awful handwriting, and gets things wrong a lot because of it. We are getting him evaluated for ADHD and other learning disorders.
I agree with others, to go in with an open mind but also be firm about what you don't think he can developmentally do at this point. I would take all the papers and ask the questions you have about why they are not correct.

[TwinFoxes]

I really, really think you need to demand educational testing for your DS. If he has an IEP, or even a 504 he can get accommodations for these things. He can get a scribe, or use assistive technology for writing assignments. I sympathize completely with your frustration with nit-picking punitive teachers. Each of my girls have been in such classes. One was so bad that our AP sided with me and moved DD to a new class after I showed her a sheet she had given my DD. It was filled with negative and frankly unkind comments.

I will say the one worksheet on which your DS should have used runners, the teacher may have given them verbal instructions to do so, and I can understand why he needed to re-do it so she could make sure he had the technique down.

Also, look up dysgraphia. I bet your DS may have it. You might also ask the school for OT testing to make sure there's no physical reason he's having difficulty writing.

[PZMommy]

I’d request to have him evaluated by the school district. It can be a long process, so I’d put the request in writing and turn it in on Monday to start the clock ticking. There is a big jump from 2nd to 3rd, but an even bigger jump from 3rd to 4th, so I would want to make sure everything is in place before he starts 4th grade.

[JBaxter]

Sounds like you need a meeting and request some testing as the others have said. I volunteer a lot in the kids classes 1 or 2 1/2 days a week depending on the grade and what is needed. Ive heard teachers go over and over instructions before test and class work. "Your tests/ papers MUST contain < insert what ever she is teaching> or they will be sent home to be redone or marked wrong/ incomplete" But sounds like you need a meeting and to request some testing either the school or privately We chose to do it privately. If he has preschool level handwriting it probably should have already been addressed.

[candaceb]

I really, really think you need to demand educational testing for your DS. If he has an IEP, or even a 504 he can get accommodations for these things. He can get a scribe, or use assistive technology for writing assignments. I sympathize completely with your frustration with nit-picking punitive teachers. Each of my girls have been in such classes. One was so bad that our AP sided with me and moved DD to a new class after I showed her a sheet she had given my DD. It was filled with negative and frankly unkind comments.

I will say the one worksheet on which your DS should have used runners, the teacher may have given them verbal instructions to do so, and I can understand why he needed to re-do it so she could make sure he had the technique down.

Also, look up dysgraphia. I bet your DS may have it. You might also ask the school for OT testing to make sure there's no physical reason he's having difficulty writing.

This is exactly what I was going to say. My DS is a year older and has struggled with handwriting since he was in PK4 and was a typical peer in a special needs classroom and many of the special needs kids were ahead of him in handwriting. He started OT in K and has had OT in school since 1st. Finally last year the OT contacted me to set up a meeting and she said that she thinks that he's at the point where it's just not going to get better and we needed to look at alternatives. Until last spring he had been on a 504 - she started the evaluation process and he did all the evaluations and now has an IEP with accomodations for assistive technology for writing. I was thrilled to hear that for the first big writing assignment of the year, the OT pulled him out and had him work in it in her space using a keyboard and an ipad, and he actually got the work done to his full abilities. In the past, he would write one sentence and refuse to do more. He also has ADHD and has accommodations for that such as getting a morning break - a TA takes him and some other kids to the gym to run laps.
I think there are 2 things that need to happen - 1/ start the evaluation process and 2/figure out whether there are other options for teachers/schools because this does not seem to be a good fit for your kid.