Help with 9-year-old's behavior?

[twotimesblue]

My eldest is 9.5, and in the past few months we've seen a dramatic decline in his behavior. He has always been quiet and sensitive, and until very recently he was very kind and empathetic to his younger siblings, respectful to his parents, a good and motivated student... basically an all-round 'good' and easy kid to parent.
I don't know if it's the age or something else, but recently he's been testing boundaries multiple times a day, being unkind to his siblings, taking things without asking (then lying about it... he was always incapable of lying before!) Honestly, I'm any my wits' end. I try to give him 'special time' and he gets so many fun activities and privileges. I lie with him in bed and ask him if anything is going on at school, but all I can glean is that he doesn't like his teacher this year (his best friend also left the school, but they still see each other regularly, and he has other friends) but the behaviour shift happened towards the end of third grade, when he had a teacher he loved.
My husband thinks that DS is acting spoiled and entitled, and has already threatened to cancel our planned Thanksgiving break as traveling with DS while he's talking back, whining and being mean to the siblings just ruins it for all of us. There have been no major 'events' in DS's life that would explain the behavior change. Please help! I want my sweet son back!

[PZMommy]

I hate to say but I think a lot of it is the age. I could write almost word for word your post, and my DS just turned 10. He just started 5th grade. He thinks he knows everything, is identified highly gifted, and has anxiety, so we are having quite the struggle these days. Hoping others can offer some advice.

[marinkitty]

Of course there really could be something going on, but I've had three nine year olds and they were all little jerks at least 50% of the time they were nine. We called it "the 9s" with finger quotes at our house and it was like a tween version of the terrible twos. In all three cases it passed and they became their delightful little selves again by mid-10s. Even the teen years (so far) haven't been as challenging.

[candaceb]

https://www.scarymommy.com/this-9-year-old/

[smilequeen]

Normal. Frustrating as hell, but normal. You'll get him back eventually. My 3rd will be 9 in Feb and I am NOT looking forward to it. He's an incredibly sweet kid, but he is also way more difficult as a rule than his brothers ever were.

[MSWR0319]

I hate to say but I think a lot of it is the age. I could write almost word for word your post, and my DS just turned 10. He just started 5th grade. He thinks he knows everything, is identified highly gifted, and has anxiety, so we are having quite the struggle these days. Hoping others can offer some advice.

OP, I think it's normal. After having numerous conversations with friends who have kids the same age and friends who have older kids, I have learned that it's just part of growing up. Even our ped told me at DS's 10 year check up to get ready for a mouthy, back talking, entitled child. It's part of the hormone change I guess. Parents with older kids have told me not to worry, they will eventually stop being idiots, and to just hang on for the ride. Those parents have respectable children now, so I trust them! I was warned that 4th-6th grade is a horrible time for behavior. I do think that DS is getting slightly better (he's almost 11), but it's still rough.

ETA: Threatening to cancel vacation plans, etc didn't work with mine. He just didn't care. So unless you're really ok with cancelling things, I wouldn't even make the threat. I've learned not to threaten things I don't want to follow through on because it just doesn't change the behavior (for more than 5 minutes at least).

[essnce629]

Sounds normal to me too! DS2 is 10.

The teen years have been a breeze so far! (DS1 is 16)

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[mnj77]

Hmm...I know people say that nine is a tough age, but it sounds like you've seen a really sudden change in his demeanor and it's lasted a few months. It's probably the tweenager rearing its ugly head, but I wouldn't want to find out later that something was bothering him. I would keep trying to talk to him about it, if only to keep him aware of how he's acting and helping him connect it to how he's feeling. "I've noticed you've been seeming unsettled and a little irritable lately. Is something going on that you want to talk about?" When DD has something going on like this it takes a few tries to get her to open up.

[twotimesblue]

Thank you all for the advice so far. Ironically, not long after I posted this question, DS ended up in urgent care with a badly sprained foot, after kicking a table in frustration while chasing his brother (something he would never have done a year ago!) I also found a chocolate wrapper behind his bed so he is still taking things without asking, which is something we have had 7 million conversations about. Sigh.

To answer mnj77, I really don't think there's anything 'big' going on, he doesn't like his teacher and has expressed frustration with school in general, but he is still getting good grades and actually seems to be more confident socially than he was a year ago. The most popular kid in class invited him on a playdate yesterday, and even with his crocked foot he went, which was a big deal for him as he used to be painfully shy.

I wondered if it was a 'straddling boyhood and tweenager' thing... he can still be very sensitive - for example, he wanted me to pick him up before bedtime at his best friend's birthday sleepover (he said he'd miss me too much to sleep in a house without me), and last week he cried when he found out all the kids in his theatre program were older than him (I moved him to the younger class as he said he's more comfortable with kids in younger grades), but on the other hand he's also wanting to be independent, express autonomy and impress his peers. I'm reassured to hear that others have experienced similar personality shifts, and that I may get my lovely little lad back at some point!

[MSWR0319]

I wondered if it was a 'straddling boyhood and tweenager' thing... he can still be very sensitive - for example, he wanted me to pick him up before bedtime at his best friend's birthday sleepover (he said he'd miss me too much to sleep in a house without me), and last week he cried when he found out all the kids in his theatre program were older than him (I moved him to the younger class as he said he's more comfortable with kids in younger grades), but on the other hand he's also wanting to be independent, express autonomy and impress his peers. I'm reassured to hear that others have experienced similar personality shifts, and that I may get my lovely little lad back at some point!

Yes! That's exactly how I would describe it. I think the sneaking things is also a sign of them trying to control what they can and make choices for themselves. They want candy, so they get it because they want to show they're in control.