How tell sister she can’t stay

[hbridge]

Do you want her to come at another time and not Christmas? “Christmas will not work. If you’ll be in town for X, we would be glad to meet up with you depending on schedules.”

That's what we do with my IL's. This year DH wants to meet at a restaurant so "we can control the start and end times".

[StantonHyde]

Not before. DS has been affected by it all. I thought I was protecting him from it and could control the limited contact. My mistake


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Kids are resilient--have him talk to a therapist if you feel he needs it. My kids talk to me about my dad--even with all of the boundaries, he has said and done some weird things.

[niccig]

Kids are resilient--have him talk to a therapist if you feel he needs it. My kids talk to me about my dad--even with all of the boundaries, he has said and done some weird things.

He does see a psychologist for dealing with his nerve pain disorder. I called the psychologist after the last trip so it would be discussed.


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[StantonHyde]

He does see a psychologist for dealing with his nerve pain disorder. I called the psychologist after the last trip so it would be discussed.


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So he had one "exposure" to her whacked out behavior. And you said--that's not ok, that's not normal, we will not be seeing that person again for a long time (if ever). That is wayyyy different than what you experienced. If yours is similar to mine, people swept it under the rug and when you tried to call it out, they said that you were the crazy one. My kids know that this behavior is not ok and that, while we make minimal contact, it is not something they have to put up with. Solid lesson.

[niccig]

So he had one "exposure" to her whacked out behavior. And you said--that's not ok, that's not normal, we will not be seeing that person again for a long time (if ever). That is wayyyy different than what you experienced. If yours is similar to mine, people swept it under the rug and when you tried to call it out, they said that you were the crazy one. My kids know that this behavior is not ok and that, while we make minimal contact, it is not something they have to put up with. Solid lesson.

He saw my mum for 2 weeks every year since he was a baby. I was always around, and thought I was controlling the crazy, limiting the contact. Since the argument with my mum in August, DS has told me about some interactions with her since he was 5 that have upset him. On one occasion, I was there and dealt with it, but it left a lasting impression on him. I thought I was protecting him from that, but realize now, the only way to do that is no contact.

He is dealing with it with his psychologist and he knows there is no contact. I told him she’s my mother and I will deal with her, he doesn’t have to be part of that. I’ve now extended that to my sister. And yes, everyone wants to rug sweep or make excuses for the crazy. No, you protect your family and yourself from the crazy.


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[mommy111]

He saw my mum for 2 weeks every year since he was a baby. I was always around, and thought I was controlling the crazy, limiting the contact. Since the argument with my mum in August, DS has told me about some interactions with her since he was 5 that have upset him. On one occasion, I was there and dealt with it, but it left a lasting impression on him. I thought I was protecting him from that, but realize now, the only way to do that is no contact.

He is dealing with it with his psychologist and he knows there is no contact. I told him she’s my mother and I will deal with her, he doesn’t have to be part of that. I’ve now extended that to my sister. And yes, everyone wants to rug sweep or make excuses for the crazy. No, you protect your family and yourself from the crazy.


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I am writing this not to disagree but to give you another perspective, and at the end of the day he’s your son and you know exactly what kind of an effect this has had on him.
Exposure to crazy is really damaging when there is no reality testing and no environment outside of the crazy such as happened with you when you were a kid. For your DS, he saw it, he knows it’s crazy, he has you and his counselor and he’s learning to work through it. Much as we’d like for it not to be like this, we’re exposed to people like this all the time in all our lives and learning to deal with them is valuable experience.
of course all of this is predicated on the fact that he was just exposed to weird but not abused in any way which I’m assuming since you were monitoring things so closely was the case

[niccig]

I am writing this not to disagree but to give you another perspective, and at the end of the day he’s your son and you know exactly what kind of an effect this has had on him.
Exposure to crazy is really damaging when there is no reality testing and no environment outside of the crazy such as happened with you when you were a kid. For your DS, he saw it, he knows it’s crazy, he has you and his counselor and he’s learning to work through it. Much as we’d like for it not to be like this, we’re exposed to people like this all the time in all our lives and learning to deal with them is valuable experience.
of course all of this is predicated on the fact that he was just exposed to weird but not abused in any way which I’m assuming since you were monitoring things so closely was the case

You are right. DH and my therapist say I need to stop being hard on myself up about it. He had normal life remaining 50 weeks of the year and has professional help to process it. I just wish I had taken a stand earlier. I was still pretending it could all be ok if I was careful.


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