How tell sister she can’t stay

[newnana]

My initial response was going to be the "Sorry, that won’t work for us." But Liz really brings up a good point. In this case, I would extend to "Sorry, that won’t work for us. We're celebrating just DH, DS, and I this year." I feel like saying "immediate family" she will take liberties with. No wiggle room for her to push her way in. Practice practice practice. No explanations. No additional info. Just rinse, repeat. Good luck!

[mom2binsd]

Yes, make it clear you are wanting a quite Christmas with just the 3 of you, that's it. No need to apologize or elaborate. IT's time to just take a stand.

[niccig]

My initial response was going to be the "Sorry, that won’t work for us." But Liz really brings up a good point. In this case, I would extend to "Sorry, that won’t work for us. We're celebrating just DH, DS, and I this year." I feel like saying "immediate family" she will take liberties with. No wiggle room for her to push her way in. Practice practice practice. No explanations. No additional info. Just rinse, repeat. Good luck!

If use “immediate family” meaning just us 3, she’ll get upset that she’s not family. I’ll practice, practice, practice!!


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[StantonHyde]

Yep, don't say immediate family. Don't even use family. Just say "the three of us". By now your sister is a legend on these boards. (don't worry, so is my dad) Practice, practice, practice. Once you get a nice Christmas, I PROMISE you, you will think--why didn't I do this earlier?????? Good luck!!! Keep coming back. We will cheer you on.

[niccig]

Yep, don't say immediate family. Don't even use family. Just say "the three of us". By now your sister is a legend on these boards. (don't worry, so is my dad) Practice, practice, practice. Once you get a nice Christmas, I PROMISE you, you will think--why didn't I do this earlier?????? Good luck!!! Keep coming back. We will cheer you on.

I know she is! Shows how much I complain about her!! My mum is legendary too. I used to make excuses for both of them and distance myself where I could, but the curtains been pulled back, and there’s no hiding the crazy.

DH proposed to me before he met my family.... I keep telling him that was a dumb move




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[StantonHyde]

The difference is---you are standing up to them and calling out the elephant in the room BEFORE it damages your own family. Kudos to you !!!

[firstbaby]

Oh, how familiar this family dynamic is to me! Reminds me when my NPD mom asked what we were doing on our anniversary a few years ago and I told her we were going hiking for a family day. She nastily replied that as far as she knew, she was part of the family but maybe not. Hopefully your sister doesn’t reach out for the holiday and you can enjoy quiet time BEFORE and during the holiday

[newnana]

She nastily replied that as far as she knew, she was part of the family but maybe not.

This is exactly what my mom would say if I said that we were celebrating as an immediate family. Hence sticking to the, "just the 3 of us" Immediate family seems to be such a trigger phrase for self-centered folks

[niccig]

The difference is---you are standing up to them and calling out the elephant in the room BEFORE it damages your own family. Kudos to you !!!

Not before. DS has been affected by it all. I thought I was protecting him from it and could control the limited contact. My mistake


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[BunnyBee]

Leave out the “sorry” and don’t over explain. IME, apologizing makes narcissists smell there’s guilt and weakness. Offering explanations makes them think they deserve an explanation because they have some decision-making input.

Do you want her to come at another time and not Christmas? “Christmas will not work. If you’ll be in town for X, we would be glad to meet up with you depending on schedules.”