Thank you all for your advice...
I have decided that the current situation is not working for ME. Therefore, I am going to change my reaction to where the relationship is at the moment. I am not completely sure what this looks like, but the "cutting off all contact" is definitely not something I am at peace with. It has left me angry and anxious. If my sister does not want to be in touch with me, that is her issue, not mine. Therefore, I am going to send her a small birthday gift and send her a Christmas Card. This may do nothing but make her angry, but that is NOT my problem. I need to find my own peace and this is the way that, I hope, will work for me. We shall see...
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Thread: How to forgive and move on...
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10-22-2019 #11
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10-22-2019 #12
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Have you heard of/thought of EMDR therapy? It sounds crazy when you read about it but it truly changed my life on a couple of issues, one of them being my sister.
https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/
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10-22-2019 #13
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I think something that is worth reflecting upon is the role your feelings about your sister play in the rest of your life. Our minds are wonderful things protecting us on the moment, but short term coping can have repercussions long term. I’ve found that it’s easier for me to heap all my anger/sadness/disappointment on one thing/relation and let it the sponge that soaks up all the other doubts and troubles. I agree it might me worth exploring another therapist, but with your current or new one you might want to explore this idea.
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10-22-2019 #14
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Yep, this is probably part of it!
Originally Posted by dogmom
Also, looking back, I have started to realize that my sister did not get what she needed from her family. The whole thing is a huge mess that goes back to before I was even born. I hate that I am being lumped in with my parents.
But yeah, I definitely am focusing my frustration on one thing and it is not all warranted
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10-22-2019 #15
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Originally Posted by hbridge
I see you are coming from a sense of great hurt. I think what you are doing is the right thing
'...everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the Last of the Human Freedoms, the ability to choose one's behavior in any set of circumstances, the Freedom to Choose One's Own Way.' -Viktor Frankle
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10-22-2019 #16
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You have to do what feels right for you. I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my family now that I’m estranged from my mother. My therapist says there’s no right or wrong answer, and I may change my mind how I want to deal with my family. It’s tough to figure it out. I hope you find peace with the situation. Originally Posted by hbridge
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10-22-2019 #17
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I got some great advice from my therapist while dealing with a difficult family member. Your sister will never be happy with what you do. It will never be enough. So you need to decide what kind of sister you want to be independent of the acknowledgement you would hope to get. How much effort do you want to put into this? Then live up to your standards. I did that with my dad and it made a world of difference. Of course he wasn't happy with what I gave and when he voiced this, I placed more boundaries on our relationship and withdrew more. I am not going to put myself out there for someone who is going to castigate me for what I do. But I felt good about what I gave and the daughter that I was.
The other thing I think people need to remember is--yes, a person with a mental illness/personality disorder has a disability. And that helps when you interact with them-you don't expect someone in a wheelchair to walk. BUT--does the person in the wheelchair constantly roll over your foot, hit you with a baseball bat, or otherwise wound you??? No. They don't. So I am willing to handle the mental illness piece up to a point. But I am not going to stand there while they wound me and my family.
I would also like to say "good for you" for acknowledging that your sister didn't get what she needed from your parents. I have a friend who is one of 3 siblings and she is the only sane one. Her parents were not fit to raise her 2 older siblings. But they did a great job with her because her personality fit theirs. She is able to see that her parents did a poor job with her siblings, yet she loves her parents deeply and has her own relationship with them. And by now--your sister is an adult. She needs to figure out how to get what she needs from herself. I went through so.much.therapy. to dig out all of the rot created by my dad and then had to plant and grow my own nurturing self. It was hard work. But I did it. My brother eventually saw what I saw/experienced after my dad went off the deep end when our mom died. I had to acknowledge that he lost his dad when this happened--because he had a relationship with him. So it all works both ways.
Healing is not a linear process. It sounds to me like you aren't so stuck as when you started this thread. You have to keep moving "around the circle" to look at the issue in different ways, with different tools etc. It would be great if we could just go A-Z but that isn't how it works, unfortunately. Good luck to you!!Mom to:
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