My best friend has breast cancer

[MSWR0319]

My best friend told me she more than likely has breast cancer. They're waiting on the biopsy results but it sounded like her dr is pretty sure that's what it is. I'm hoping they caught it early, as this was her first mammogram ever. She seems to be taking it ok right now, but I know once the confirmation comes in it may change. She's a very stubborn soul and will not ask for help through this process, so please tell me what I can do to be there for her and help her. When I told her to please let me know what she needs, she replied with "I don't need anything," which is typical. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I’m so sorry. My friend had it and caught it early a year ago. She didn’t need chemo but did require several surgeries. She was very good about asking for help! She needed rides for her kids, rides for herself (couldn’t drive for weeks), and help with food. All things we happily did for her. So, offer to drive her kids for activities, offer to run over some meals, offer to take her shopping (or just out of the house!). Those might be helpful.


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[amyx4]

Protect her from the stupid people! Many years ago, a women (who was I only slightly knew) had breast cancer. Her good friend later told me that the woman with breast cancer regretted telling so many (stupid) people because the (stupid) people would often say something (stupid) in front of her young children. Eventually, her husband got really vocal about not talking about cancer when the kids were around.

The woman and her husband did discuss the cancer with the young children. They just didn't want everyone else to scare the kids.

[urquie]

Offer rides to appointments/procedures/surgeries and to stay during them, a friendly face and second set of ears can be very helpful and comforting.

[ourbabygirl]

Just wanted to send hugs and tell you I'm so sorry. So nice of you to be looking out for her wellbeing!

[daisyd]

Offer rides to appointments/procedures/surgeries and to stay during them, a friendly face and second set of ears can be very helpful and comforting.

I'm so sorry! I second this.

[dogmom]

Follow her lead on how to approach her possible diagnosis. Don’t offer her advice on treatment etc unless she asks. If she does ask she’s probably stressed by the fact there are so many choices of treatment are left up to the patient it’s very overwhelming. So do a lot of active listening.

Offer her help periodically, but don’t leave it all up to her. Offer concrete things that are appropriate for the situation at hand. Newly diagnosed? “Is there anything I can do? Want to go out shopping/see a movie/get a drink/go for a walk to be distracted?” Start therapy that will make her tired, “Anything I can do? I am more than happy to come over make you tea, do your laundry and binge Netflix with you. Hey, X, Y and Z want to help, how about I get some dinners made for you and brought over.” It’s hard to articulate what one needs when ones mind is stressed. So offer open ended support + a couple of concrete suggestions that are appropriate for the phase she is in. Always try to have them offered in a way that you don’t expect her to talk about her disease.

She may politely decline your offers, which is fine. Following up several days later with a quick card or text that’s just a “thinking of you” will help her know you are there if she wants, but not pushing boundaries. It can be helpful to be very clear about update information. For example, she may not want people to know now, but maybe after diagnosis if she gets treatment you can say something like, “It is completely your choice. But if you want me to tell people or share information so you don’t have to do it all, I am happy to do that, or not. I won’t share anything without you telling me to.”

I won’t go into my complex feelings of how we deal with breast cancer in our culture, but please keep comfort in the fact that survival is 90%, or higher. It doesn’t make the process less sucky, but it helps to keep an eye on the big picture.