How do you get over something you are deeply embarrassed about?

[gatorsmom]

This fall has been hellish. I lost 2 of my support systems, my boys have become very busy with Boy Scouts and my daughter has become very busy with ballet. The kids are happy and doing well in school so at least that’s going well. But my brother has recently started gotten into some very bad business transactions so I’m worried about him. One of the places where I volunteer is being managed poorly and I’m the only one speaking up about it. And to top it off, Ds3’s ADHD medications have been giving him some trouble. So, in the midst of all this on my plate, I disappointed someone terribly. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. I committed to helping some one, said I would be there, reassured them that I would be there and then didn’t show. Somehow it didn’t get on my calendar and I forgot about it. It was a big deal for them and an honor for me to be asked. I suspect that friend and business acquaintance will never ask me to help again. I very much inconvenienced him. I work with this person only a few times per year so won’t have a chance to apologize in person. I haven’t told my Dh because he’d be so embarrassed.

It’s clear to me that I need help and I’m looking for some to delegate some of my projects. I’ve already relegated some but clearly need to get rid of others. I’ve got too many pots on the stove right now. But as we head into the holiday season, it’s not going to get easier. It’s going to get harder. And I’m having serious fear and self- doubts about how I’m going to handle it all.

How do you let go of the shame? How do you forgive yourself? I’m very hard on myself and I’m having a tough time with this. Any advice?

[twowhat?]

I'm so sorry!!!

FWIW, I don't think apologies need to be in person if logistically that won't happen. Call your friend and repeat everything you said here!

"I wish I could apologize in person, but I really want you to know that I know I disappointed you terribly. Somehow this didn't make it on my calendar. I know how big of a deal this was for you, and it was such an honor for me to be asked. I know that I really inconvenienced you, and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I haven't even told DH. I completely understand if you don't ask me to help again, but if the opportunity comes up and you can forgive me, I would very much still be honored to help. Just make sure you stand there while I type it into my calendar. Again, I'm so, so sorry. I know that this isn't just business, and that I've disappointed a friend too."

If it's hard to find time to connect on the phone, I think that a handwritten note is good too.

And then you need to forgive yourself. It happens to ALL OF US. You are FORGIVEN. You have a lot on your plate and at some point, something will fall through the cracks. It will be OK!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm so sorry!!!

FWIW, I don't think apologies need to be in person if logistically that won't happen. Call your friend and repeat everything you said here!

"I wish I could apologize in person, but I really want you to know that I know I disappointed you terribly. Somehow this didn't make it on my calendar. I know how big of a deal this was for you, and it was such an honor for me to be asked. I know that I really inconvenienced you, and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I haven't even told DH. I completely understand if you don't ask me to help again, but if the opportunity comes up and you can forgive me, I would very much still be honored to help. Just make sure you stand there while I type it into my calendar. Again, I'm so, so sorry. I know that this isn't just business, and that I've disappointed a friend too."

If it's hard to find time to connect on the phone, I think that a handwritten note is good too.

And then you need to forgive yourself. It happens to ALL OF US. You are FORGIVEN. You have a lot on your plate and at some point, something will fall through the cracks. It will be OK!

I do wonder if you really are making too big of a deal about this. You sound on the edge and maybe that is clouding how you feel. Step back and put yourself in their shoes- how much would that extra person really have helped? Would that lack of person been just annoying or made things impossible? I am curious how it was an honor to be asked. Were you emceeing an event? I'm just trying to talk you down a bit.

[elbenn]

I think a handwritten note with a sincere apology, followed up by a phone call, would be a good way to handle it.

[AnnieW625]

I agree with the others. Apologize and get it over with and don’t dwell on it.

I might also consider talking to a counselor for yourself so you have a truly independent source talk to voice your issues/concerns about your life to?

I would call your brother and see if he is doing okay and ask him if he needs help or guidance from someone else (not you) regarding his business decisions.

I would also tell your husband about your mistake....everyone makes mistakes. If he can’t understand that then maybe he needs to talk to a therapist as well.

Lots of hugs and I feel you as it seems like everything seems to happen at once.


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[mommy111]

You need to find a way of apologizing, otherwise you will never feel comfortable with yourself

[gatorsmom]

I do wonder if you really are making too big of a deal about this. You sound on the edge and maybe that is clouding how you feel. Step back and put yourself in their shoes- how much would that extra person really have helped? Would that lack of person been just annoying or made things impossible? I am curious how it was an honor to be asked. Were you emceeing an event? I'm just trying to talk you down a bit.

Oh man, I WISH I were overreacting. It was a televised event where only a handful of people were performing. They needed me to be there. I don’t know how they handled it. I can’t imagine the panic the poor organizer of the event must have felt.

I agree with the others. Apologize and get it over with and don’t dwell on it.

I might also consider talking to a counselor for yourself so you have a truly independent source talk to voice your issues/concerns about your life to?

I would call your brother and see if he is doing okay and ask him if he needs help or guidance from someone else (not you) regarding his business decisions.

I would also tell your husband about your mistake....everyone makes mistakes. If he can’t understand that then maybe he needs to talk to a therapist as well.

Lots of hugs and I feel you as it seems like everything seems to happen at once.


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As for my brother, it’s completed. I’m the annoying older sister who tries to warn him that some of his ideas aren’t gonna work and then he hates me when I’m right. I normally stay out of his business but his exwife had called saying he was making desperate comments and I got worried. I even offered to buy a piece of land he owned to help him pay bills and lower his debt but he didn’t want me to. So I’m out of it but very nervous. And disappointed. He owes family and friends a lot of money. Sigh.

DS3’s medicine issue is solved, I think. And I cut out a bunch of crap on our calendar. I just told them I couldn’t join in. That should help. I am pretty close to hiring a new housekeeper. Just have to check a few more references. Ugh, I was so close to getting my ducks in a row, and now this.

Thanks for all the support you guys. What do you think- I’ve decided to order a really big bouquet, add a handwritten apology card (thank you Twowhats for the great card suggestions) and have it delivered to him. Should I add a gift card to a restaurant? Or is that overkill? I probably gave the guy a heart attack. Gift card to hospital cafeteria??

[mom2binsd]

Is it possible to apologize in person? It's a man, so I don't know if a big bouquet is necessary, I would try to set up a meet, apologize and then follow up with a gift card to a nice restaurant.

[AnnieW625]

Your brother will hopefully work through his issues on his own and maybe that is what he is trying to do.

For your friend that you bailed on instead of the flowers can you donate to the charity or cause he is involved in instead?


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[SnuggleBuggles]

No flowers, no gift. Both are unnecessary completely. The words are what matters.