Putting down a pet - how to help kids deal?

[ang79]

We will most likely have to put down our 12 yr. old cat sometime in the near future. She has developed a lump on her face that causes her eye to swell shut and now breathing problems. They thought it was a tooth problem and did oral surgery, but that did not fix things. While doing the oral surgery they took a needle biopsy to test, but that came back as only inflammation. The next step is another surgery to remove a larger sample to test. But between the cost of the surgery and having to put her through all that (she really hates going to the vet and gets very aggressive and anxious), we have decided we will just treat as long as possible with pain meds. She does not appear to be in pain right now and is still sociable and eating normally, but the lump keeps growing and its shocking at how fast it is progressing, so I talked with my vet today about end of life procedures. DD1 has known this cat since she was 1, we've had her DD2's entire life. We have three cats and they love them all. Other than a few fish dying, this is the first pet we've had to deal with this and I'm not sure how they will cope. DH thinks we should all go to the vet to say good-bye. The vet suggested having someone come to the house to do it. I am trying to find pictures of her to make a nice framed memorial or something (unfortunately, I did not think to take pictures when the swelling first started and she now looks so pathetic with half her face swollen). The vet said they can also take ink paw prints if we want. We will bury her in our yard so that we can plant flowers or a tree nearby next spring (go-figure it is now winter and the ground is currently covered with snow). If you've dealt with this with kids, did you have them around when it happens? Or would it be better for them to say good-bye before going to school one morning? Ugh, I hate having to make grown-up decisions like this!

[Kestrel]

What ages are the children?

You said you were treating with pain meds... anti-inflammatory drugs, too? They're cheap and can make a huge difference with the comfort level.

Personally, we did not like the ink paw prints; we did get some done in clay that were well done. Kit from a craft store, Joann's I think?

A logistics issue: We were much more comfortable having our pet cremated. Ours, too, passed in the middle of winter and we were unable to bury him until spring. We didn't want to consider how to store the body respectfully.

I don't know about the saying goodbye - DS was far too young to understand what was going on. But I would think that saying goodbye and going to school would be tough. Maybe on a saturday, so the kids have time to deal with parents before having to go to school.

It's tough - I'm so sorry.

[acmom]

Our situation was a little different bc our older dog had what we think was a stroke one night after the kids went to bed. The vet was wonderful and had us bring her in that night and we put her to sleep right then (as they found a huge bleeding mass in her chest when they did the x-ray). We told the kids the next day and just said she was really sick and didn't make it. Kids were around 9, 7 and 1 at the time.
They were really sad when we told them the next day (luckily it was a weekend), but overall we dealt with the grief as a family. The vet did a paw print in clay that is really nice and we had her cremated. They put her ashes in a nice wooden box. We also ordered a canvas of our favorite picture of her and gave each kid a 4x6 print of it. Each child also chose a black lab stuffed animal to snuggle and remember her.

We had had a close call with the same dog about a year earlier when she had a major back issue. That time we took pictures and had them give her hugs (and pretty much say goodbye) as we didn't know if they would be able to help her get better and come home and we told them that. Luckily the meds helped a lot that time and she had another year with us with good quality of life.

I think my kids would have really struggled with being there but I think that is probably a personal call for each family and child.

[AngB]

Our situation was a little different bc our older dog had what we think was a stroke one night after the kids went to bed. The vet was wonderful and had us bring her in that night and we put her to sleep right then (as they found a huge bleeding mass in her chest when they did the x-ray). We told the kids the next day and just said she was really sick and didn't make it. Kids were around 9, 7 and 1 at the time.
They were really sad when we told them the next day (luckily it was a weekend), but overall we dealt with the grief as a family. The vet did a paw print in clay that is really nice and we had her cremated. They put her ashes in a nice wooden box. We also ordered a canvas of our favorite picture of her and gave each kid a 4x6 print of it. Each child also chose a black lab stuffed animal to snuggle and remember her.

We had had a close call with the same dog about a year earlier when she had a major back issue. That time we took pictures and had them give her hugs (and pretty much say goodbye) as we didn't know if they would be able to help her get better and come home and we told them that. Luckily the meds helped a lot that time and she had another year with us with good quality of life.

I think my kids would have really struggled with being there but I think that is probably a personal call for each family and child.

We had a similar situation.

We had a dog with horrible arthritis/knee/hip issues and old. We had her about 5 years before any kids and she was not a fan of kids. Plus our kids have anxiety and would have had a horrible time being there. We had them "probably say goodbye" then I took them to my mom's. We had a vet that goes to homes come do it as our dog also got crazy stressed at vets. I did lie and say that it was "probably" saying goodbye even though there wasn't uncertainty with our next steps only because they sobbed and begged us to have them save her- even though she could no longer even barely walk at this point- so it was just easier to let them go with "we are going to try to help her but there's a good chance they won't be able to so say goodbye in case..." They were 7, 6, and 3 at the time. They were sad but were okay overall and handled it well. No regrets on how we handled it.

[ang79]

Kids are 11 and 13. They have only ever had fish die, this is the first major pet. And the only family members that they know they have passed are elderly great grandparents that they didn't know that well and they were really old so it was kind of expected. The vet is prescribing Oncior (sp.?), which helps with pain and inflammation. Right now she does not appear to be in pain, still wants to cuddle/be petted, still eating normally. A little bit more clumsy when she tries to jump onto things, I'm guessing because she can't see out of the one eye it is so swollen. But I don't want her to suffer and mask the pain, so its hard to know when. We haven't specifically told the girls much yet, will do that this weekend, figured it would be best if they have some time at home to process, rather than go to school and worry and question. I'll look into having a vet come to the house, since she hates to go in her carrier and go anywhere. I don't want to make her stressed right before they do it.

[marinkitty]

We had to put a cat down a little over a year ago due to aggressive kidney cancer. My kids were 11, 13 and 15 at the time and understood what was going on. I made the decision not to take them to the vet although two of them very much wanted to go. They all said goodbye at home and then I took her in and stayed with her. I think seeing the life leave the animal could be very distressing for kids, even teens. It is shocking to me (I've had to do it three times over the course of my life) how one second they are there and the very next the life is just gone and they instantly aren't your pet anymore. It is truly upsetting. I know that my kids couldn't have handled it well and I wanted their memories of her to be of her alive, purring and happy being with them. Not a lifeless body. We went the cremation route and the vet did clay paw prints for us (we have them for a previous cat too).

We had a previous cat who had to be put down in the middle of the night when the kids were much younger (the oldest was 7) and that time we told them after school the next day. They were very sad not have had a chance to say goodbye but it wasn't foreseeable that she wasn't coming back home.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. We have another cat who is having serious health issues right now and although we've been holding him together with vet visits and meds I have a feeling we will be facing this again soon. It is the absolute worst. Hugs to all of you and your sweet kitty.

[twowhat?]

Hugs to you!! I think at your kids' ages you can have an honest discussion with them about their wants. Would they like to be there when the vet does the procedure? Do they understand it will involve needles and there may be some involuntary reactions to the drugs, even though your cat will be complete sedated and comfortable? They may not want to be there for that. They may each have a different want, actually (maybe one wants to be there and one doesn't).

When it's time, we will probably use one of the vets that comes to your home only because our dog is so anxious being out in public. The last time we went through this our kids were barely 5 - they understood the concept of death, but just barely. They were very upset. We had our dog cremated and one of the comforting things for our kids (now 11) is that we still "have him" - his ashes are in a box that we keep close to us, and if we were ever to move, he would come with us. It might be worth bringing this up with your kids if you are still making a decision between burial vs cremation - if you ever move from your house and you buried your pet, would that be OK? Would something like a pawprint be "enough" to take with you?

All hard conversations to have but I think your kids are old enough that they should have the opportunity to think through what they would want as well. Big hugs to you all!!!

eta: Marin, I didn't read your post about your experience with euthanasia and choosing to not let the kids attend and it's definitely a different perspective to consider! OP, I think you know your kids best and will make a good decision! I believe that there's no real right or wrong when it comes to individual families' choices on how to approach this hard decision.

[HannaAddict]

I was surprised our children wanted to be with our 16 3/4 year old dog at the end. We had the most amazing and lovely vet who came to our home, a practice dedicated to hospice care and at home euthanasia. Our girl had laid down and didn’t get up and let us know it was time after good quality of life, though slow and rickety the last year. The two older ones, just 15 and 12, stayed by her stroking her fur and talking to her. We were all bawling but it was really healing for them to be with her and their choice. Our 9 year old was at the house and with her right until almost the end and then went in the other room, but wanted to come say goodbye after. It was hard but better than the years of tears and asking why we didn’t bring them to the emergency vet to be there after our first elderly dog died when they were about 3, 6 or 7, and 9 or 10. I thought they were too young (even the older kids) but they insisted they wanted to be with our dog and handled it well.

And I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, it is so hard and painful for the whole family no matter what the situation. Take care.

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[ang79]

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. We have another cat who is having serious health issues right now and although we've been holding him together with vet visits and meds I have a feeling we will be facing this again soon. It is the absolute worst. Hugs to all of you and your sweet kitty.

Our almost 16 yr. old cat has thyroid disease and is doing well on meds so far, but we thought he would be the first to pass. This tumor has grown so fast. The first symptoms were in October and she was treated for a sinus infection, then the swelling started right before Thanksgiving. I really wish I had thought to take pictures of her earlier, we just thought it was a tooth problem that would quickly heal. The girls just keep waiting for her to get better and have been great giving her extra love and care.


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[hbridge]

We lost a dog very young (he was 19 months old) when DC was 10. The first thing DC said when DH got home from the vet was "I need to go to the library and get some books". So off we went. DC cleared out the section on pet grief and read EVERY book. The one that helped the most was the Mister Rogers book "When a Pet Dies".

Also, we had strong family time the night before and the morning that we took the dog to the vet. If you have that opportunity, it was so important to all of us. DC even slept in our room with the dog the night before.

Sending hugs. It is so HARD!