DD's First Friend Breakup - What Else Should I Be Doing to Help Her Through?

[lizzywednesday]

DD and her friend, S, had a rather large and dramatic blowout fight last week, which was probably coming down the pipe after S had a blowup at her bio-dad (she is extra-sensitive after having drama with him, but DD has not learned to tread cautiously.)

What I saw is that she and DD were playing at S's house and it was time to go. DD knocked over one of S's craft bins (and, apparently, over the course of the playdate, both girls had made lots of messes in S's room) which spewed beads all over the stairs & floor of the upper storey of S's house. (DD says that S decided to "karate fight" and that's how DD knocked over the bin, because DD was trying to get away from S's "karate" ... and I'd guess there's some truth to that, but S alleges that DD is "violent" - which, in fairness, she can be, but I also feel like S has a lower tolerance for roughhousing than DD and I do, so DD's idea of playful can probably come across as violent.)

I told DD to help S clean up the beads, but DD decided to mess around and leave S to clean it up herself ... and then when DD was told to help S clean up the other part of the playdate mess, DD pulled her usual "rag doll" routine while complaining that she was hungry, so I took DD home even though S was visibly upset and lecturing DD about what DD should be doing.

I stepped in and told S to let me handle it. (Note that I was already annoyed with DD because I had allowed her to have the playdate on a school night because she has a new iPod Touch that I can text with a warning that I'm coming to pick her up, etc., and she completely ignored me.)

At school the next day, S and DD were passing notes. I read one that S sent to DD and ... there's a lot going on between them.

DH and I have told DD to back off and let S have some space, but DD has been persistent.

At our Girl Scout meeting on Friday evening, S was isolating herself and, when DD tried to interact with S (which she had been explicitly told not to do), S called DD a "moron."

Once I had a cell signal again, I received a long text from S's mom that it was her opinion the girls should stop seeing each other, with a vague statement about "violent things" that DD has said/done (not quite sure what's up with that, as DD won't tell me and I feel like asking for specifics will make the situation worse) and that DD has been calling S by what's effectively her "deadname" which is really damaging for S's mental health, a behavior on DD's part which I had had no idea about.

Anyway, I'm willing to give S as much time & space as she needs, because DD's immaturity and lack of social skills (does not read social nuance, has not had any close friendships before this, etc., etc.) have exacerbated what could have been resolved between the kids and not resulted in a massive awkwardness - they live down the street, kids take the same bus to school, etc.

DH wanted me to send a text to S's mom explaining how hurt DD was & he'd even write it up for me ... and I vetoed it.

S's mom is trying to manage her own kid's feelings; she does not need to care about our kid's feelings, nor is it relevant to helping her child (who is feeling EXTREMELY unsafe and unhappy around our child) to tell her how hurt DD is by what happened. DD's way of being a friend was really suffocating - because she doesn't have any/many other friends, DD really clung to S and the fact that they live a 3-minute walk away from us exacerbated DD's sense of only wanting to hang out/play with S (in favor of doing just about anything else!)

Anyway, I have written a quick note to DD's teacher asking to pull the school counselor in (have been asking in vague ways since September; really have to be much clearer in the future) to help DD work through the feelings, as it is spilling over into her ability to do group-work in class and get along with her classmates in general.

DH and I will be reaching out to the therapist who was seeing DD a year ago to see if she has any availability (and if she still takes our insurance; otherwise, it's back to square one because we can't afford to pay out-of-pocket/out-of-network costs right now) this month and we're going to figure out what other steps to take.

Am I missing anything else?

DD is a happy, socially inept but outgoing, generally friendly kind of a kid.

Because she has ADHD, she has trouble acting like a kid who is 9-going-on-10, but she does understand that her behavior is the reason other children don't want to spend time with her. It makes her sad, but she's struggling with making the connection between her actions & choices and the consequences.

[georgiegirl]

Sounds like your DD should still be seeing her counselor/therapist. I can see why her friend would be annoyed. At that age, a child should be able to help clean up a massive mess that they helped make. I wouldn’t communicate with the parent other than to apologize for your kids behavior and explain that she has ADHD and needs help navigating friendships and that it’s something that your family is working on. I agree with letting the school counselor know since your DD is having a rough time. But don’t bring the other girl into it.

I have one kiddo who has some social difficulties, and there are some kids in the neighborhood who aren’t allowed to come over to our house since once DS2 said he would kill them (granted DS2 was 5 at the time and those boys just came over to play with his toys and not him, and I wasn’t there and wouldn’t have let them play since Ds2 doesn’t like them, but DH wasn’t aware of this and let them play anyway. But that’s a long story.).


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[bisous]

Sounds like your DD should still be seeing her counselor/therapist. I can see why her friend would be annoyed. At that age, a child should be able to help clean up a massive mess that they helped make. I wouldn’t communicate with the parent other than to apologize for your kids behavior and explain that she has ADHD and needs help navigating friendships and that it’s something that your family is working on. I agree with letting the school counselor know since your DD is having a rough time. But don’t bring the other girl into it.


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I agree with this. Big hugs. My kids can be socially awkward too. They are lovable little works in progress. It’s tricky because I believe that they’ll catch the vision some day but because they are behind their peers in some key ways, they are frustrating to be friends with. My goal as a parent has been to teach them, sometimes explicitly and to be gentle with them, knowing they’ll get plenty of wounds from others so I don’t need to be rough. Therapy will help with the trickier times such as what you’re having right now.

I think your attitude towards friends can help your DD. Teach her kindness and respect. Teach her to empathize and then model it by being understanding of other kids when they have a hard time with the atypical behaviors, while acknowledging you understand her POV too. Be as gentle to the other parents as you want them to be to you. They may “get it” at some further point and it helps build a more loving world around your child.

I think you’re doing a good job. I’m sorry it’s rough right now!

[KpbS]

I would explain (repeatedly if necessary to DD) that she should have 1) paid attn to your text that time was up 2) she should have helped clean up the mess she made, even if on accident 3) friends don't like it when you are too physical (can range from hugging too hard or too often, getting into kids' faces, etc.) and 4) it really is time to let S have her space and make some new friends at school.

One of the hardest aspects of a time like this is when DD is wanting to play and associates play with S. Trying a new activity at home (making bracelets, sewing, washi tape crafts, etc) or venue can help. Maybe she can start a new hobby or go to the park on days when she used to play with S?

[Kestrel]

In addition to the mental side, if your DD is getting too physical, she may need a more structured physical exercise. Does she do a sport of some kind? A team sport might help build relationships, if you think she's ready, but there are also things like swimming or running that are more solo. If she can fill the time she was spending with S with something new, that might help.

[mommy111]

I would send the other mom a text letting her know exactly what georgiegirl has said, that DD has ADHD and has a hard time navigating social relationships, that you hope mom and S understand and also that you understand that S needs space. Your DD will grow out of it, honestly, these are big seeming problems that seem smaller once time goes by

[westwoodmom04]

In addition to the mental side, if your DD is getting too physical, she may need a more structured physical exercise. Does she do a sport of some kind? A team sport might help build relationships, if you think she's ready, but there are also things like swimming or running that are more solo. If she can fill the time she was spending with S with something new, that might help.

I totally agree with this. I have one child with adhd and even with medication, regular athletic activity really helps calm her down.

[lizzywednesday]

...
I think your attitude towards friends can help your DD. Teach her kindness and respect. Teach her to empathize and then model it by being understanding of other kids when they have a hard time with the atypical behaviors, while acknowledging you understand her POV too. Be as gentle to the other parents as you want them to be to you. They may “get it” at some further point and it helps build a more loving world around your child.

I think you’re doing a good job. I’m sorry it’s rough right now!

Thank you for your insights; I really appreciate all those times you posted about your kids' challenges because I think I have learned a lot from them. Even if we don't approach the world with the same outlook, I admire the way you value community-building and kindness.

DD is doing much better today than she was over the weekend, and she seems to understand that if the kids find their way back to each other, it will only be if S leads.

I would explain (repeatedly if necessary to DD) that she should have 1) paid attn to your text that time was up 2) she should have helped clean up the mess she made, even if on accident 3) friends don't like it when you are too physical (can range from hugging too hard or too often, getting into kids' faces, etc.) and 4) it really is time to let S have her space and make some new friends at school.

One of the hardest aspects of a time like this is when DD is wanting to play and associates play with S. Trying a new activity at home (making bracelets, sewing, washi tape crafts, etc) or venue can help. Maybe she can start a new hobby or go to the park on days when she used to play with S?

I have been doing this and explained to DH that he needed to back me up.

I felt like, with the text he was composing in his head, DH wanted to put the onus of managing DD's hurt onto S's mom, and I really thought that was a despicable thing to do. Again, S has her own mental health & wellness challenges for which she is seeing a therapist and practicing self-care for, but I'm not quite sure whether DD understands that being friends with someone like that requires a lot of patience.

We are not currently in a position to add other activities; we do Girl Scouts and DD is taking ice skating lessons. I have been limiting her media time/access, especially on school nights, because there's a correlation between her acting out and having more media time than I would like.

She just got a bunch of craft kits for Christmas; she has already completed two and will not stop begging me about the soap-making kit that I refuse to allow her to use my good kitchenware to complete. (We have to find glass measuring cups and other tools to be used for soap only.)

In addition to the mental side, if your DD is getting too physical, she may need a more structured physical exercise. Does she do a sport of some kind? A team sport might help build relationships, if you think she's ready, but there are also things like swimming or running that are more solo. If she can fill the time she was spending with S with something new, that might help.

She has been taking ice skating lessons since doing a trial hockey clinic in October, but all of our previous attempts at team sports have been catastrophic failures. We have to commit to getting her more ice time - lesson sessions all come with 2 free public skate sessions. (I don't/can't skate, so it's not often front-of-mind.)

I'd love for her to start with a non-serious swim team, but don't have any leads in my area.

I would send the other mom a text letting her know exactly what georgiegirl has said, that DD has ADHD and has a hard time navigating social relationships, that you hope mom and S understand and also that you understand that S needs space. Your DD will grow out of it, honestly, these are big seeming problems that seem smaller once time goes by

We have discussed DD's ADHD between ourselves before, but I really don't know whether anything more than the "Thanks for letting me know (DH) and I are working with DD on all of these things" I sent on Friday night is going to be helpful. I will consider everyone's advice on this front, though, because I don't always do social cues well either. (I am only a tiny bit better at it than DD, and I still find certain "girl" behaviors baffling and disconcerting.)

Honestly, there's a lot going on in S's household, from having a new baby sister (born in August) to S's mom starting a new job (last month) to the fight between S and her bio-dad, that I think this break isn't really a bad thing.

[Kindra178]

I agree with Georgie above. She needs to be back in therapy. Does the school have a social skills group run by social worker? Can you find one outside the school?

In terms of physical activity, how about just at home? Can you do workout routines with her? Yoga and other classes on free sites? This is pricey but the jump sport mini tramp was the best thing we ever purchased at home! Someone is always jumping.

Can we go back to the mess? I work a ton and have kids over quite a bit. I would be livid if my kids’ friends made a mess and didn’t stay to clean it up. The circumstances of said mess would be of no import to me. Maybe you could have apologized for you and her not helping doing the cleanup?

Finding new friends is probably best.


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[westwoodmom04]

A kid that isn’t ready for team sports at 5 or 6 may be at an older age. Does your school offer Girls on the Run? Running or even going for a long walk on a daily basis can help.