How honest are you about your past when talking with your teen(s)?

[gatorsmom]

This has come up for the first time but frequently in the last 6 months with my kids. I try to answer them honeslty when they question what I did but sometimes I differ them to “when they are older.” Because I know that they won’t understand the implications of my decisions and will glorify what I’ve told them. So I tell them as much as they can understand and promise to give them a full answer when they will understand. They usually accept that.

[almostmom]

This is really tough and something I debate a lot. There was a really funny line in a Michael Chabon essay where he said he always planned on being honest with his kids, and when they asked if he'd smoked pot he said yes, but then when they asked how many times he was not prepared to say a million... I can relate.

My kids think I was/am a goody goody. I was not, though I was smart, got great grades and went to an ivy league school. But I drank, I fooled around, I lied to my parents, I had parties when they were away, I went to sketchy areas (with my other smart friends!) to ask homeless people to buy us alcohol... these are not things I have yet shared. But when we caught my son who had stashed a bottle of our alcohol in the basement, we talked and shared a little more in that moment of confrontation. Let him know we understood, we weren't perfect, but that it's still not ok for x,y, and z reasons.

I think middle school is too young to share most bad things I did. Freshman year too. But by sophomore and junior years, I think my kids are definitely facing these issues and making hard decisions about what bad behaviors to say yes or not to. So for me, that's when this kind of sharing feels ok. When they seem old enough to understand the nuances. And not think that sharing means it's a free pass.

[bisous]

My biggest vice was not doing my homework. I'm really boring.

I didn’t do my homework but I’d say my biggest vice was being an absolute brat to my parents. Otherwise, not much to report!

[smiles33]

This is really tough and something I debate a lot. There was a really funny line in a Michael Chabon essay where he said he always planned on being honest with his kids, and when they asked if he'd smoked pot he said yes, but then when they asked how many times he was not prepared to say a million... I can relate.

My kids think I was/am a goody goody. I was not, though I was smart, got great grades and went to an ivy league school. But I drank, I fooled around, I lied to my parents, I had parties when they were away, I went to sketchy areas (with my other smart friends!) to ask homeless people to buy us alcohol... these are not things I have yet shared. But when we caught my son who had stashed a bottle of our alcohol in the basement, we talked and shared a little more in that moment of confrontation. Let him know we understood, we weren't perfect, but that it's still not ok for x,y, and z reasons.

I think middle school is too young to share most bad things I did. Freshman year too. But by sophomore and junior years, I think my kids are definitely facing these issues and making hard decisions about what bad behaviors to say yes or not to. So for me, that's when this kind of sharing feels ok. When they seem old enough to understand the nuances. And not think that sharing means it's a free pass.

This is so helpful. To be clear, I DEFINITELY would not tell her everything now. I was just wondering about whether I would voluntarily disclose poor decisions as she's been asking more questions. I definitely made my worst decisions in college and won't be sharing those stupid decisions with my child when she's only 13.5!

[basil]

There is no option for "I was too much of a goody two shoes to have anything to reveal". Seriously. I think I went to my friends' houses and practiced math team problems or something in high school. Went to parties and did silly stuff in college but didn't ever drink and have never smoked anything.

I actually don't think, in retrospect, that I would recommend those choices. But it was sure easy on my parents, at the time!

[umsh]

me too girl! I was such a goody goody, there isn't anything to tell.

Same! I‘m afraid it’ll make it hard for them to confide in me, but I never did anything remotely questionable lol.


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[Globetrotter]

Another goody two shoes lol though I was a brat to my mom - I cringe to think of it.
My only real rebellion was in grad school, when I chose my husband vs letting my parents do it, and I had to hide any trace of dh and a previous (casual) bf! (Strict immigrant parents)
Omg, how the times have changed, and my parents totally mellowed.

[mom2binsd]

My DD is close to 17, we have talked pretty openly about quite a bit about drinking, sex etc, not too specific about my sex life, but she knows I was 20 before having sex. I grew up in Canada where we were drinking much earlier, again, not a lot of stupid stuff, but she knows I was drinking as a teen. She mostly gets a kick when we visit family and friends and she catches stories of fun times in the past. She is very open with me about everything, she has a boyfriend of almost 3 years so the discussions are important.

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