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  1. #1
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    Default Crap I think DS is going to ask me about having sex with his gf

    Ds is almost 16 and has his first serious girlfriend. Today he mentioned that he wanted to talk to me about something and said he would bring it up on our ride to soccer tonight. Iím hoping Iím wrong but with the little hints he mentioned to me Iím wondering if he is going to bring up having sex with his gf. Hopefully it will be another topic and I will dodge a bullet but in case that is what he is thinking I would appreciate any advice. My initial thought is that they are a bit too young and that it really has the potential to change things dramatically. That often people think they want to have sex but that at their age their emotional maturity often causes regrets. That the emotion involved is much more than the physical aspect. Of course I will address safe sex if necessary. Help!

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry- not much advice, but wanted to send you hugs and strength! . It's good that you two have an open enough relationship to talk about that stuff, though- I could never imagine talking to my parents about that as a teenager (or even now)! One thing I heard a long time ago is that if you're not mature enough to go and buy condoms/ birth control, you're not mature enough to deal with the consequences of sex (pregnancy, STDs, etc.).
    If it were my own kid, I would encourage him/ her to wait until at least 18, or hopefully college (and some of us would say, preferably marriage).

    Anyhow, good luck, whatever the case!

  3. #3
    gatorsmom is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    My Ds1 is 16yo and Ds2 is 14yo. My boys have approached me with numerous questions and we have had a lot of conversations about this recently, particularly with my 16yo and to a milder extent my 14yo. Neither of them have serious girlfriends yet so we arenít quite where you and your Ds are yet. There has been a lot of discussion about seeing girls as women and people with feelings, not as objects. Women arenít there for them to get off. Sex if done right should be about 2 people sharing something. In todayís world there is a lot of emphasis on ďwhatever makes YOU feel good,Ē but that can cause men (and women) to see their partners as objects. That discussion can go on for quite a while.

    We also discussed the reason for sex. Yes, itís suppose to feel good (because which humans would want to do that if it didnít feel good?!) but itís also suppose to create life. At 16yo boys/men feel powerful urges to have sex because it will help keep the human race going. Having sex is serious stuff, itís no joke. Humansí brains arenít fully developed until they are about 24yo. What is the chance that he is making a rational decision or one resulting from hormones? How would he feel if he created a life? Is he ready to take care of another human? Does he realize that legally he could be responsible for that?

    We discussed the legal ramifications of having sex. If the girl misunderstands or changes her mind at the last second, he has to stop or it could be considered rape. If she becomes pregnant and decides to have the baby, he will have to pay for the child until he is 18. The mother might let him be part of the childís life or might hinder that. He could at the age of 16 become completely responsible to that child if something happens to the mother. The mother might choose to kill her unborn child. Or she may be pushed to do it by her parents even if he and the girlfriend want it. Is he ready for all of that?

    Then there is the physical possibilities. Many serious diseases are sexually transmitted. Can he be sure she doesnít have one? How is he sure? All it takes is one sexual encounter to get numerous serious diseases.

    These are just some if the things we have talked about. My boys right now realize how serious it is and agree that they are not ready for that. Just with honest talk and examples, I think i have them scared to death of getting someone pregnant. Of course, once they start to seriously date all of this talk will have to get racheted up a few notches. Best of luck.
    Last edited by gatorsmom; 2 Weeks Ago at 08:37 PM.
    "It is not 'progressive' to try to resolve problems by eliminating a human life." Pope Francis

  4. #4
    mom2binsd is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Mom of a 16.5 year old girl here, she's a junior and has had the same boyfriend for 2.5 years, he just turned 18, is a senior. We love him and are good friends with his family, they have many friends together and while they are often with a group of friends at sports etc, they do spend time alone hanging out either at my house (occasionally I'm not home) or at his house (they have many nanny cams all over the house). DD has talked to me about sex, and that she had her BF don't feel they are ready at this point, they have seen the impact sex has had on their peers (it makes the relationships more complicated) and also talk about the kids who have casual sex and how everyone hears about it and then the kids are seen as very trashy. DD is actually on birthcontrol as her periods were out of control/painful/super heavy and it makes swim team a mess lol. She knows BC doesn't prevent STD's and isn't perfect for pregnancy prevention. She and I have talked about the impact that sex has on a relationship, she knows most people are having sex for pleasure not making babies and I know is curious about the mechanics, although I'm sure she has googled plenty. She asked a little about my experiences as a teen, and I actually did not have sex until age 20. I think it's good to keep the communication lines open, and I hope she continues to be open about everything. At this time, I don't think she is having sex, they may have, but it's doubtful, she's sort of the kind of kid who would probably tell me. Her BF is very respectful and a huge rule follower, and I know his dad has especially talked to him that DD is younger and he needs to be a gentleman. I'm sure they will at some point, and with this being a pretty longterm relationship it would at least be with someone she trusts and loves. I know quite a few other moms of her friends are not happy to have found out that their DD's have had sex with boys they barely knew.

    Funny story, not funny at the time, and sorry if TMI, but DD found something of mine charging (I meant to put it away when I left for work) and of course was curious about it. She was old enough to recognize what it was, although it wasn't "anatomically" correct or anything. It led to a discussion that women should enjoy sex and know how their bodies work/respond. She said she thought it was good too that I was still enjoying sex, apparently her friend told her, that her mom said she only had sex when it was the dad's birthday. I told her women and men can enjoy sex well into old age.

    I know a lot of recommendations for teens is the website Scarleteen, it's for mature teens, is quite explicit, but contains good information, is LGBTQ friendly, and talks about stuff that some parents are not comfortable with.

  5. #5
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    Op here. I jumped the gun here. Ds wanted to see if his gf could sleepover in a different bedroom one night over winter break. Gf lives 45 min away. So though ds was totally awkward about it, his intent was more innocent than I got from his cues. It’s a relief because I still felt they were in a pretty innocent place. At first I was like no way until he explained that he did not mean that she would sleep in the same room or even the same floor of our house. Dh and I decided that if we decided to say ok we would need yo speak with her parents first.

    Both kids have been confiding in me a lot lately. Dd in particular as one of her friends made a bad choice recently and was scared to tell her parents. Dd said that she could not imagine not telling me if she were in a similar situation. She expressed her trust in me and said though you are my friend I know you are my parent first.

  6. #6
    citymama is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Love this thread because I'm always looking for eye-openers about what lies ahead! Jacksmom, amazing that you guys have that kind of relationship that he would talk to you about having sex for the first time.

    Mom2binsd, that is hilarious, and yet so cool that you could talk about it. Relatedly, is there a resource for younger teens about knowing and exploring their own bodies? It's been ages since I read Our Bodies, Ourselves, but I'm thinking something like that for a 13 yr old?

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  7. #7
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    Great job on keeping open those lines of communication. I think it is very important to impart your family's values around having sex. We have emphasized with our kids the need to wait until you are 18/an adult/in college. They know about birth control and STIs. But, more importantly, they know about the emotional impact of having sex. I will also impart to them something another mom told her son--sex is an intimate act. If you can't have intimate conversations about birth control, STIs, what you like, what your partner likes, then you are not ready for the intimacy of sex. I will say that scaring kids only works in the short term. The adolescent brain is wired to see reward vs. risk. For example, we have educated our kids that addiction runs in our families. That they have the brains that will get hooked on cocaine the first time they use it. That they need to be careful with drinking. They have taken that education to heart. (still not out of high school, not saying we won't have some events!) But they know the risks through the lens of education vs. fear. I know many health care workers who will tell you that they see 16 year olds who are smarter about having sex than some 25 year olds. People need knowledge. Kids need to know you love them, they can talk to you, and that you trust them within their capabilities. And then with raising teens there is just sheer luck!!!!!!!!
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  8. #8
    lizzywednesday is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by citymama View Post
    ...

    Mom2binsd, that is hilarious, and yet so cool that you could talk about it. Relatedly, is there a resource for younger teens about knowing and exploring their own bodies? It's been ages since I read Our Bodies, Ourselves, but I'm thinking something like that for a 13 yr old?
    I haven't read Our Bodies..., but I have read The Vagina Bible by Dr Jennifer Gunter and I found it enlightening & empowering ... and wanted to give a copy to everybody I know. She isn't everyone's cup of tea, and the book isn't intended for a teen audience, but her frankness and openness is really refreshing to me. (She's currently in the process of writing a book about menopause, which I'm actually looking forward to, and has a TED talk about periods that is AMAZING.)

    While I checked a digital copy out from the library to pre-view it, I want a hard-copy to have on hand for anything else I might want to look up or explain.

    So, my recommendation is The Vagina Bible after you've read it yourself. (My DD is turning 10 next month and it's not on our radar, but I think having a copy in the house will be helpful for future discussions.)
    ==========================================
    Liz
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