Social Distancing question

[baymom]

I’m really upset and want input on if I’m over reacting. We live about 400 miles away from my parents and brother. They live about 15 miles from each other and rely on my parents to watch their 2 kids 3 days a week. With the shelter in place order in our state, my parents have not been to my brother’s place to help. Brother and SIL have been WFH (SIL works part time) while managing their 5 & 8 year olds. My Dad was hospitalized with pneumonia for a week last year and continues to have a low white blood cell count. Brother & SIL, I believe, have been good about social distancing these past 2 weeks and I know my parents have.

I’m mad because this weekend my brother + family all went to spend the day at my parents house. I only found out accidentally because I happened to call at that time. My Dad was defensive when I expressed surprise and my very educated, research obsessed brother also obviously thought it was no big deal. I’m not sure if they’ve decided that they’ll go back to their old schedule where my parents come to their place 3 days a week to watch the boys. I’m too annoyed to ask.

Is it reasonable for me to be upset about this? Should I say anything? I know they’ll be defensive and it won’t go well. My guess is they’ll say they’ve isolated from each other for two weeks, no one got sick so what’s the big deal? Are they right? I’m a rule follower so this is particularly hard for me to accept during a pandemic. Plus, I also think that my brother & SIL who have never had to watch their kids 24/7 without help are struggling and just want help. That makes me MORE mad. Would you say anything? What?

[Percycat]

Are your feelings based on your concern for your parents and your brother's family safety? If so, my sister may feel like you.

My parents live down the street from me. My sister and her family live 90 minutes from me. For the past few weeks, my family and my parents have been practicing 'stay at home' and have not been in places with other people, with the exception of my grocery runs about once a week (I also shop for my parents). But, we consider my parents part of my family even though we live in separate houses. So, the 6 of us have had dinner together a few times this month and we have gone on walks together around our neighborhood (keeping social distance from other families).

Things will probably change for us tomorrow because my husband is having to WOH for the next two weeks and I don't want to increase exposure risk to my parents. This will make me sad, because we have always lived as an extended family.

[pharmjenn]

You are not wrong to be upset, but since they live so far away from them, you can only educate and let them make their own decisions. Unless your parents are NEEDED to help with the kids, then no, they should consider themselves two different households and self isolate. Everytime you go to the store, or get gasoline, you are potentially exposed again, so unless your parents move in with them, they should stay distanced.
That said, my mother comes and stays at our house for 7 days every two weeks because I work nights and she is needed to stay with my 12yo DS. Otherwise she lives alone and only ventures out, usually once during the off week, to her grocery store. But it sounds like your brother and SIL are not following the guidelines, or, like many, are cherry-picking how they want to interpret the guidelines.

[baymom]

Percycat—yes, I’m mad because my parents are old, my Dad doesn’t have a robust immune system and I don’t think this is worth the risk. But, like you, they do think of themselves as one family with 2 houses.

Pharmjenn— I'm sure B & SIL think they NEED the help, but plenty of other people are figuring out the new normal of WFH with kids. I think it’s selfish of them to potentially expose my parents.

I’m thinking I should probably not say anything. I don’t think they’ll change their behavior and it’ll just create tension.

[MMMommy]

OP, I agree with you on this. I see them as two separate households that should be social distancing from each other. Especially since SIL is able to care for the kids at home while working part time. I understand people have different circumstances that may require “bending” the rules, like if a single parent works nights and can’t be home to care for her young child and needs a relative to help out. That isn’t the case from what you describe. If your parents and your brother’s family all lived together, then that would make up one joint household. Which also isn’t the case you describe. My elderly parents live less than four miles from me. I have dropped off necessities for them outside their garage without any contact (and instruct them to wipe and wash hands accordingly when retrieving said items). I have not seen them. I don’t want to risk exposing my parents to anything since I have had to go to the grocery store.

[Melaine]

My father in law called me the other day and invited us to meet them at a trail tomorrow. The kids were all listening which made the conversation more awkward. He also mentioned they just “ran into” by BIL and his family at the trail. I was so annoyed because a) BIL is a painter so in and out of many homes per week b) FIL and MIL are over 70 and he’s been hospitalized for lung issues in the past and c) why am I always the bad guy.

I told them I would let them know because I was surprised and flustered but I have to say no. This is such a miserable situation already don’t invite us to break the rules it just makes it worse.

[KrisM]

I would probably say something once and then drop it. I'd be afraid of continually fighting about it and ruining a relationship. Maybe even say that you know they disagree, but would they please just humor you with this at this point?

It would bother me for sure. My kids made the comment that we were past the 14 days now and that made them feel better. DS1 pointed out that I had been to the grocery store a week or so ago, so I still had another week. I didn't point out that because I went to the store, it meant we all had another week really. If I was exposed then, I could have brought it and exposed them as well. You aren't in the "clear" until everyone has 14 days of no possible exposure.

I understand they consider themselves as 1 larger family, but the best way to keep the older people safe is to stop that temporarily. Make it so they actually have the zero contact for longer than 14 days.

My parents are pretty good about it. My mom learned how to do an online order for groceries. But my dad twisted his knee, so they did go to Urgent care - I wish my mom had let someone else take him. And then she went to Walmart to buy a brace for it. Again, someone else could have done that. But I am happy and thankful they are listening to everything. I live about 45 minutes and my brother lives 5 minutes from them. None of us have seen them in over 2 weeks now. My dad's birthday was 2 weeks ago and we did that over the phone.

[vtmom]

If everyone has practiced strict social distancing for two weeks, and shown zero symptoms, and continues practicing strict social distancing, then I think the situation is fine and safe for your parents.

We have included my husband's brother and his family in our "social bubble". They live two minutes from our house and none of us has seen anyone else since this began. Effectively we are an eight person family that sleeps in two houses.

[klwa]

I'm in a similar boat. I live 2.5-3 hours away from my dad. I called him Saturday to check on him. The first words out of his mouth were that SIL was there to go for a walk. SIL is a fricking phlebotomist at a local hospital. Then he tells me that my other SIL, a nurse, is helping him get his phone set up with Zoom so he can go to his school board meetings. That SIL's husband is the local pharmacist. All of them have been at work, in contact with sick people even if not COVID-19, THIS WEEK. And he tells me how nice it is that the Pharmacist's kids (19 & 17) have had friends over visiting this week. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bisous]

If everyone has practiced strict social distancing for two weeks, and shown zero symptoms, and continues practicing strict social distancing, then I think the situation is fine and safe for your parents.

We have included my husband's brother and his family in our "social bubble". They live two minutes from our house and none of us has seen anyone else since this began. Effectively we are an eight person family that sleeps in two houses.

Yes, this is where it gets tricky, OP. What elbenn outlines here I saw recommended by an expert on a panel describing how best to comply with social distancing requirements for COVID19. Is this still recommended? I don’t know. The article I read was from a couple of weeks ago. It’s super hard to know what’s ok. The information is conflicting. I would venture to guess that most people that are “messing this up” are actually trying! And as much as we feel we understand the restrictions were not experts either. The rules are confusing—maintain 6 feet of distance but also gatherings of less than 10 people...going outside is ok but swarming the beach at even 6 feet of distance is not ok in my state...

Op, I think in your case I’d express my concerns and why. You might even frame it like, “I know this might just be me being too careful, but I’m worried about you guys and I think this contact might be dangerous for you.” You’ll have done your part!

I think we’re all in a strange place where some contact is ok, necessary, unavoidable, and some is not but we don’t really know where that is.