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  1. #11
    lizzywednesday is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by bisous View Post
    Oh my gosh. No dog! You do not need that kind of stress!
    No, I most certainly do not need any additional living things to care for. (OK, so I have plants in the garden, but they're more "set it and forget it" than a dog or a child. And they don't talk back!)

    Wow, all of that is so tough with the schooling. I can't even imagine 12 hours of wrangling over assignments. I applaud you for that heroic effort. Are you guys almost done? If this goes onto next year I think you should try to work out modified assignments for her that help focus on her whole well-being. It sounds like the school is aware of what she struggles with so they should be able to work with you?
    And it's not like the work is particularly onerous - it's maybe 20 minutes per subject (ELA, math, science OR social studies, and "specials" like STEM, PE, or Art) per day, so it works out to maaaaybe 2 hours of work if she sits and does it ... but 6 times that if she throws a fit.

    On the bright side, none of her teachers are teaching live except her speech therapist, everything is pass/fail (basically, if you do the work at grade level, you pass; if you don't, and you haven't made other arrangements, you fail), and even the new-to-DD stuff in math isn't too hard for me to explain to her.

    She has a 504 for her ADHD; I want her to have more supports and modifications. The counselor we've been working with to try and get those got a LONG email from me last month explaining exactly which behaviors & habits I'd noted, what I thought was a reasonable accommodation, and what I want for her to be able to function in a classroom setting. I think I scared her. (Good.)

    Her teachers have been spectacular about offers to walk me through assignments or ways to modify her schedule or whatever. I love them. I know they all want her to succeed, and that's where I start.
    ==========================================
    Liz
    DD (3/2010)

    "Make mistakes! Get messy!" - Miss Frizzle

  2. #12
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default But NO Elephants ...!

    I know this is the bitching post, so I’ll delete if you don’t want advice....

    Some of my students need service providers that work in the home setting. School providers like myself are limited as we can’t go to homes to work on skills or help families implement strategies in the home. We can give advice, but sometimes a home team is needed to help parents.

    We used a home behavior specialist to help us with DS when he was diagnosed with a pain disorder. We needed help as our way of dealing with it was exact opposite of what we were supposed to do. She outlined exactly how to respond depending on what DS said or did. She also got DH on board as some ways to deal with a pain disorder (ignore the pain, don’t ask about it) were difficult to do as parents. It was mostly parent coaching, but she also worked directly with DS on some strategies. She was available by text or phone, so I could call in middle of a crisis and get real-time advice on what to say and do. She was more helpful than anyone else on DS’s medical team. She works with children who have Autsim, ADHD, anxiety and pain disorders. I know she’s doing tele-services with families, but we haven’t needed it as we were pretty much down to just check-ins with her. There should be someone like this in your area that could give you more support at home.

    —- end.of advice...

    Sorry you’re shouldering all the responsibilities with online schooling. It’s maddening that what would only be 20 mins takes hours as they just won’t do it. Glad the school is helping and deadlines are extended. Your DD’s and your own mental health is not worth it for math or reading. Do whatever you need to get through!!


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    Last edited by niccig; 05-25-2020 at 03:34 PM.

  3. #13
    lizzywednesday is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    ...

    Some of my students need service providers that work in the home setting. School providers like myself are limited as we can’t go to homes to work on skills or help families implement strategies in the home. We can give advice, but sometimes a home team is needed to help parents.

    We used a home behavior specialist to help us with DS when he was diagnosed with a pain disorder. We needed help as our way of dealing with it was exact opposite of what we were supposed to do. She outlined exactly how to respond depending on what DS said or did. She also got DH on board as some ways to deal with a pain disorder (ignore the pain, don’t ask about it) were difficult to do as parents. It was mostly parent coaching, but she also worked directly with DS on some strategies. She was available by text or phone, so I could call in middle of a crisis and get real-time advice on what to say and do. She was more helpful than anyone else on DS’s medical team. She works with children who have Autsim, ADHD, anxiety and pain disorders. I know she’s doing tele-services with families, but we haven’t needed it as we were pretty much down to just check-ins with her. There should be someone like this in your area that could give you more support at home.
    ...
    Nicci, I always appreciate how you can calmly and cooly cut the bullsh!t and remind me that I don't have to go it alone. BP or not, I really needed the reminder and the point-me.

    Sorry you’re shouldering all the responsibilities with online schooling. It’s maddening that what would only be 20 mins takes hours as they just won’t do it. Glad the school is helping and deadlines are extended. Your DD’s and your own mental health is not worth it for math or reading. Do whatever you need to get through!!
    I'm still unemployed, so I've got a computer DD can use, and no other responsibilities to shoulder, so ... I'm Mom and Teacher right now.
    ==========================================
    Liz
    DD (3/2010)

    "Make mistakes! Get messy!" - Miss Frizzle

  4. #14
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by lizzywednesday View Post
    Nicci, I always appreciate how you can calmly and cooly cut the bullsh!t and remind me that I don't have to go it alone. BP or not, I really needed the reminder and the point-me.



    I'm still unemployed, so I've got a computer DD can use, and no other responsibilities to shoulder, so ... I'm Mom and Teacher right now.
    Now that I’ve experienced home support, I’m a big proponent of it with the families I work with.

    I got a call from DS’ school to pick him up as he couldn’t walk from the pain in his leg. I was sitting in the parking lot of his school talking to DH on the phone saying “I don’t know what to do! Do I get him, do I not get him” as he had missed so many days of school and the doctors were saying he had to go to school, but he was crying on the phone and couldn’t walk. DH had no idea either. Once we started working with the behavior specialist, we had a plan. I was mostly the one implementing the plan, and I now had support. I could ask any question and get an answer. I also got a reality check, and was told when my expectations were off, and that there were other priorities to take care of first, which was completely correct. It’s a process and I was jumping ahead to step G but still had to get A done. Having someone to talk me through things was invaluable.

    And just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean it’s easy being teacher and mom. Most teachers won’t teach their own kids for exactly this reason. Our kids don’t want us to be their teacher. I can get someone else’s kid to do something that I can’t get my own kid to do, the dynamic is different. Take a deep breath, take it easy on yourself. This is really difficult!!


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  5. #15
    doberbrat is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Our whole lives have been turned upside down. I suggest NO big life changes not already in progress when this hit. If you dont want a dog DO NOT GET ONE. If you think it might be ok now but in Feb were a no, dont get one now.

    Everyone in the house should be on board with bringing in a new family member but most especially the person who will shoulder primary responsibility .... which in my experience, is the person tending most to the kids..... mom.

    Cut yourself some slack. This is hard on everyone.
    dd1 10/05
    dd2 11/09
    and ... a mini poodle!

  6. #16
    cuca_ is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    I know it is already late in the year, but I wonder if you could ask the counselor or her teachers to hold some virtual social small groups so that your DD can get the social interaction she craves. That might place her in a better mindset to tackle her work. I think in the current situation, all kids benefit from some unstructured social time with classmates and teachers. My 4th grader gets structured classroom time twice a day, but from what I hear in the background, every so often they have some unstructured time to chat, move and interact with their classmates and teachers. If the school counselor is holding virtual sessions, maybe she can arrange something with your DDs teachers and some of her classmates, so that they have some down time and a bit of a sense of normalcy. And by the way, I have two DDs with ADHD, who in earlier years faced some challenges, but now are lovely teenagers who are very responsible students--so this will pass!

  7. #17
    lizzywednesday is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    Now that I’ve experienced home support, I’m a big proponent of it with the families I work with.

    ... Once we started working with the behavior specialist, we had a plan. I was mostly the one implementing the plan, and I now had support. I could ask any question and get an answer. I also got a reality check, and was told when my expectations were off, and that there were other priorities to take care of first, which was completely correct. It’s a process and I was jumping ahead to step G but still had to get A done. Having someone to talk me through things was invaluable.
    I'll check the statutes and the advocacy services to see what I can get for DD. It's extra frustrating because parenting a child who has ADHD makes me feel like I don't know how to parent at all. The diagnosing psych team recommended their department's "parent boot camp" but we couldn't travel to Philly every week for it, plus DH has ADHD and (unilaterally) decided we didn't need anything like that.

    I really need it.

    And just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean it’s easy being teacher and mom. Most teachers won’t teach their own kids for exactly this reason. Our kids don’t want us to be their teacher. I can get someone else’s kid to do something that I can’t get my own kid to do, the dynamic is different. Take a deep breath, take it easy on yourself. This is really difficult!!
    It's like the dynamic we have at Girl Scout meetings dialed up to 11. She wants Mom-attention, but she's getting Leader-attention instead.
    ==========================================
    Liz
    DD (3/2010)

    "Make mistakes! Get messy!" - Miss Frizzle

  8. #18
    jgenie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by lizzywednesday View Post
    I'll check the statutes and the advocacy services to see what I can get for DD. It's extra frustrating because parenting a child who has ADHD makes me feel like I don't know how to parent at all. The diagnosing psych team recommended their department's "parent boot camp" but we couldn't travel to Philly every week for it, plus DH has ADHD and (unilaterally) decided we didn't need anything like that.

    I really need it.



    It's like the dynamic we have at Girl Scout meetings dialed up to 11. She wants Mom-attention, but she's getting Leader-attention instead.
    There is no shame in needing help. I know you’re in a tough spot with your DH and I’m sorry. You should be an equal member of the team regardless of your employment status. Are there any local resources you could qualify for? Would the Philly hospital be able to put you in touch with virtual resources? I would reach out to them. Maybe they can connect you with local free or reduced options. Huge hugs to you!

  9. #19
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Default But NO Elephants ...!

    Man, I’m sorry but I just want to kick your dh to the curb!! (Based not just on this thread but others too)


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  10. #20
    lizzywednesday is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by doberbrat View Post
    Our whole lives have been turned upside down. I suggest NO big life changes not already in progress when this hit. ...

    Everyone in the house should be on board with bringing in a new family member but most especially the person who will shoulder primary responsibility .... which in my experience, is the person tending most to the kids..... mom.

    ...
    Thanks. I do see how a pet would benefit DD, but I cannot take on the extra work. Even the thought of fostering (the local "shelter" organization is foster-only) is daunting and I can't see how we'd ever pass a foster inquiry right now.

    It's hard enough to stay on top of the necessary work I'm doing as part of the 3rd floor shovel-out (and keep up with regular household tasks, like weekly laundry and additional loads of not-pressing-but-still-necessary items that we are putting away in their proper spots, like bedding we bring to the beach) without also having to track an animal.

    Quote Originally Posted by cuca_ View Post
    I know it is already late in the year, but I wonder if you could ask the counselor or her teachers to hold some virtual social small groups so that your DD can get the social interaction she craves. That might place her in a better mindset to tackle her work. I think in the current situation, all kids benefit from some unstructured social time with classmates and teachers. My 4th grader gets structured classroom time twice a day, but from what I hear in the background, every so often they have some unstructured time to chat, move and interact with their classmates and teachers. If the school counselor is holding virtual sessions, maybe she can arrange something with your DDs teachers and some of her classmates, so that they have some down time and a bit of a sense of normalcy. And by the way, I have two DDs with ADHD, who in earlier years faced some challenges, but now are lovely teenagers who are very responsible students--so this will pass!
    The meets with the school counselor were to help DD learn social cues in one-to-one interactions. I haven't been using the right words to ask for them, but I've known she's needed something like this since ... well, since forever.

    She misses her classmates, but they don't like her, so I don't know that her teacher would support breakout sessions, especially with school ending in ~3 weeks. (The ADHD focus behaviors are well-controlled with medication, but she is still behind socially and some of her behaviors are challenging for other children to manage.)

    I'll keep on them for the fall semester, though. I was told in January-ish that the groups that the counselors had running weren't addressing her needs, so I will have to put my email into a coherent request for supports, sent through the District, in order to get her help. Because her needs are so much more subtle than the needs of children who require more support, it is very difficult to get the supports that she DOES need. There is nothing in the state statutes which says only students with high support needs are to get help and everybody else can go hang. I have to fight smarter.

    If in-person camp happens, she will have more social time - she gets along very well with other kids when they're not in a school setting, and when she has a lot of "heavy work" opportunities.

    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    Man, I’m sorry but I just want to kick your dh to the curb!! (Based not just on this thread but others too)
    Thanks. I have my moments with him, too.

    The heartbreaking part about stuff like this is the fact that you guys here only hear about him if I'm p!ssed off at him, and I have been really p!ssed off at him this year. But the dog thing was THE living end. I'm still not over it.
    ==========================================
    Liz
    DD (3/2010)

    "Make mistakes! Get messy!" - Miss Frizzle

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