DH and job: Possible decisions

[Kindra178]

Strike while the iron is hot. The economy is a mess, the second wave may decimate it further. Generally speaking, when you turn down a role at a company, the powers that be don’t always look kindly on you.

Just wanted to say I get it. My dh used to work around the clock, then switched to more manageable type jobs (still longer hours but not 11 pm at night type hours). He’s also an introvert and loves his peace. He, too, is changing back to a more hardcore job soon.


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[mommy111]

I would view it as a temporary move and do it. Will open doors for him. He’s frightfully young so now is the time so that you can save for yourselves and the DC

[California]

What a tough decision. I am not sure what I would do in your shoes. Possibly look to negotiate more vacation time, a telecommute day- something that helps balance out the long hours a bit.

My DH puts a high priority on time with our kids. Having him gone 80 hours a week would be a big lifestyle change for us. Given the choice, DH has always opted for everyday involvement in our family life. But, we are not living near paycheck to paycheck. Your DH will have to decide if whatever financial stress you two are experiencing (and the resulting cost to your family in terms of vacations, limited after school options, college savings, etc.) is lesser or greater than the stress of working a potentially 80 hour work week. In your shoes, I would want my DH to make that call. It sounds like you have given up your career for the benefit of more time with your kids. IMO your DH should be free to make career decisions that reflect that value, too.

If he does decide to take the new job, I'd be looking into similar positions to see what kind of time off, benefits, flexible work week are possible. For instance- would he go to conferences in great locations and you could join him with your DS? Could he get more vacation time, and you could max out your family time when he's off work?

[carolinamama]

Yeah that’s we’re where at....although we are not worried about providing food and shelter, so not quite paycheck to paycheck, financial stress is very high. Still paying on DS’s hospital bills 8 years later, deciding at the pharmacy whether or not to fill a prescription, going without a second vehicle for awhile. We literally never travel. Our kids are not able to do extra curricular stuff beyond rec soccer. There are so many things we need to do to our house that have to be put on hold. It’s just a different world than most of our friends are in, which is difficult. Of course, we have lost my income potential since we have chosen to homeschool. That’s definitely been a big sacrifice.

Given this information, I think it sounds like a good idea to pursue the opportunity. Ultimately, your DH has to make the decision but it will impact you directly. With the increase in hours, you will be responsible for more of the parenting and house stuff. Does the increased income overcome the increased stress of having less of his help? My DH works long hours, we have 3 very busy kids. He's great when he's here but I do a ton of juggling. But we don't have financial stress and that's worth a ton.

[niccig]

it’s a tough call and depends on what you want for your family. Financial stress is huge for me. I’d rather the busy stress of many things to do, probably because I can prioritize and let some things go. Financial stress stays with me, and I can’t let it go. But on the other hand, work stress can be crippling too. Does you DH have a gut feeling about the job? If he wants to do it but the hours worry him, you can figure it out. If he doesn’t want to do it and only does it for the money, he could end up more stressed than you are now.






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[WatchingThemGrow]

It sounds like I'm in the minority here, but I would think carefully before encouraging him to take this more demanding job given his personality. If your DH is an introvert and really enjoys down time, will the new position require more "schmoozing" and people time? That may drain him more than it would an extrovert and he'll have less "recovery" time if he's working up to 80 hours/week. If that happens, then you and your family will get the "dregs" of your DH's energy. He'll be cranky, tense, and more prone to wanting to avoid family as well when he's pushed beyond his comfort zone. If the new job is him in his office alone doing research, then maybe it will still work. But any job that demands more of his time schmoozing/interacting with people when he's NOT an extrovert is going to drain him.

I say this because my DH is also an introvert, but his job demands a LOT of talking with patients, managing staff, etc. People are always surprised to hear he's an introvert because he is so friendly and makes a huge effort to connect with people. But he does NOT get "energy" from talking with people and really needs time alone to decompress and recharge.

Since we first married, we've had a few conversations about how he could be working more and be more "ambitious" like most of his orthodontic and dental school classmates. Some of them have 3-4 offices, work 6 days/week, and make 3-4 times as much money as him. DH has one office and works 4 days/week. He is the one who does all the grocery shopping and cooking as it's a priority for him that we have healthy home-cooked food. When DDs were younger, he was their primary caregiver that day while I went to the office. He's REALLY enjoyed being a hands-on parent and couldn't have done that if he were working 6 days/week and driving all over the place to 3-4 different offices. So I try to remind him of what he's been able to gain with his time rather than having a fatter bank account. I tell him to think of his office like a "nonprofit" that has a mission: helping PEOPLE, not fattening his wallet. I remind him that he should not get into the rat race of comparing himself to other orthodontists who are out there trying to make the most money and see the most people they can.

We went to dinner with a group of DH's classmates a few years ago and they rolled up in luxury cars while we drove up in our Honda Pilot. DH and I both chuckled but I think it was a reminder that he could be earning more. I *always* remind him that we are comfortable and that having more money in the bank won't make him happier. I also remind him that he's the kind of person who needs an hour of "alone" time when he comes home because he is so "touched out" from having so many people demand his time all day. But he does sometimes get bothered by that "little voice" saying he should be doing more.

Anyhow, good luck to you and your family. I know penny pinching isn't fun and living paycheck to paycheck is stressful, so I don't want to ignore that reality. I just wanted to add another perspective. Financial benefits are huge, but think about life satisfaction, too.

I appreciate this. My DH is an introvert too...and he has LOVED quarantine. There have been several opportunities for advancement, using the advanced degree he has, but no...he doesn't want to manage people because it is exhausting to him. He'd much rather do the computer coding and problem solving. So we DO get to see him for dinner every night at 5, and it is hard to make ends meet if I'm not also working, but our kids get to walk with him, play with him, talk with him, vacation with him...some things other DHs in nicer neighborhoods don't get to do with their kids.

So, if he's feeling the work itself is truly a bad fit for him, then no...but if it's uncertain, and maybe it's okay, and you can carve out those special times for family interaction, then yes! Having the income is so great, the opportunity to step sideways with the title and income would be fabulous. So maybe he could try it for a year or two and then decide if it's not a good fit?