COVID 19 and Struggling Family Members

[bisous]

These are NOT family members who are particularly susceptible for COVID 19. It is my brother, his wife and their two young children (1 and 2). None of them have any risk factors. They also think the whole thing is a conspiracy and they have not been following any social distancing at all. They are coming to stay with my parents who live about a mile from me. My parents are going to wear a mask, leave all the windows open, but they are also going to spend time with their grandchildren.

I worry about this little family. I do not approve of many of their choices and they are suffering from the natural consequences of making some of them. (One choice involves the cultivation and sale of pot, just a few months before it was legalized and the subsequent fallout it has had on my brother's ability to find a good job.) I also see signs of struggle. This was my only brother growing up. And looking back I did a lot to involve my little sisters (I'm the oldest of five) and left out my brother kind of a lot. I really regret that. I wish that my parents had pointed that out. My mom is very disapproving of my brother and she manifests that in everything that she does. (My mom is like this to all the kids. All five of us know exactly in what order she loves her children and my brother is dead last.) She does a lot for my brother as a grandma but she's also been good at drawing boundaries which is also probably a good idea with my brother's family. It is a tense situation. I am friendly with my brother but for the past six years or so my own family has been totally overwhelming to me and aside from being friendly at family get togethers and occasionally helping out with babysitting, I haven't done a whole lot to help them out.

I want to be a good sister to him now. I want to help support their little family and help them feel welcome. I want to be the opposite of my mom in some ways, to be dependable as a source of love. I want to be a listening ear. I want to be a babysitter and an ally. They moved away to another state about a year ago or so my opportunities are a little more limited. I'm totally open to suggestions about how to help them from afar.

But now what do I do about them coming here? How can I help them when I'm still pretty seriously social distancing? We avoided DH's family last weekend because they also are not following protocol very closely. It made DH so sad but his sister had just come back from a family reunion with SEVEN other families from around the country. And two of his brothers had also been traveling and not distancing. We LOVE his family, but we've been disappointed that they've chosen not to take this virus seriously. I think the exposure is probably similar with my brother. I know things are opening up. But I'm not sure I'm ready to open up.

WWYD? I'd love some good advice.

[niccig]

That’s tough. I’d try with just focusing on this visit. The family dynamic is a bigger issue that won’t be resolved all at once. Some families are starting to do the visits where everyone sits 6 ft apart. Don’t know if that is something you would consider. We may do it with friends, we’ll take our own food and drinks and leave before have to use the restroom.

And as for the family dynamic, I’d concentrate on your relationship with him separate to what he has with other family members. I’m estranged from my mother and my sister keeps trying to interfere to make it better, to fix things. This is causing issues in our relationship, as she can’t keep the relationships separate, to a point where I’m limiting contact with her. It’s arrogant of her to tell me to fix things or call mom or try to guilt trip me. I’m an adult and I can decide the kind of relationship I want with my mother. You can cultivate your own relationship with him separate to other family members.


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[MSWR0319]

I agree with finding a place where you can sit 6ft apart. If your parents don't have a big enough space outside, is there a park or something where you can sit in lawn chairs and chat spread out? That way you can at least see them and chat. I think safely socializing would be a good first step if you can find somewhere to do it that allows what you're comfortable with.

[bisous]

Thank you for the perspective! Yes, I should just worry about this visit and not overthink things. I feel ok about social distancing and outside visits with my parents who (prior to this) have been good about staying home but these guys haven't been. I think all evidence says that it is difficult to get the virus from little children. I suppose I can enforce physical distance from DB and DSIL!

For the relationship, yes, I don't have any intention of fixing anything for anyone else. I just don't think my brother has the same sense of support that I have in my life. I'd like for him to feel like he has love and support.

[Philly Mom]

I have been thinking about this. I agree with finding a place and sitting 10 feet apart. Bring your own chairs and soda/snacks. Just meet up with your brother. Don't include the kids. Maybe then your brother will feel comfortable talking to you or you can just build a rapport talking about the weather so he will later. I have been going through some things recently. My brothers are not local, but they have been fantastic. They listen on the phone. They call to check in. They don't judge but offer perspective. There is a lot you can do from a distance.

[gatorsmom]

At a minimum, I’d have everyone sit outside. You could frame it as a backyard barbecue- have frisbees and yard toys out for the kids and set up the lawn chairs ahead of time. Transmission on of the virus is VERY low outside. Hand sanitizer bottles sitting out for before you eat. You and your parents aren’t likely to catch it this way.

I understand how you feel with regards to your brother. My mother was one of 10 kids. She grew up in squalor- no exaggeration. She was tough, though, and did well for herself. But her siblings made questionable choices all over r place. They always turned to her to listen. And I watched how she handled herself with them. She was kind and listened. She didn’t make any judgments, no criticisms of them or their loved ones. She mainly kept quiet and threw in comments to let them know she was listening and understood and that she loved them regardless of their issues. She was their favorite sister (my aunts and uncles still tell me that). She made them feel loved and accepted. I wish I had done that with my little brother. Instead I bossed him around. We have a difficult relationship now.

You aren’t responsible for how your brother turned out. That was on your parents. They could have pulled you aside as a child and said, “hey, include your little brother too, ok? He needs to feel included.” They could have done more. They were the adults. I’m guessing that now in his life, as before, he just wants to feel loved, respected and supported no matter what he does. Give him that now and you will have done a lot.

[bisous]

I have been thinking about this. I agree with finding a place and sitting 10 feet apart. Bring your own chairs and soda/snacks. Just meet up with your brother. Don't include the kids. Maybe then your brother will feel comfortable talking to you or you can just build a rapport talking about the weather so he will later. I have been going through some things recently. My brothers are not local, but they have been fantastic. They listen on the phone. They call to check in. They don't judge but offer perspective. There is a lot you can do from a distance.

Thanks. This is good advice and is really wonderful. I can do this and it sounds like it can still be safe.

[bisous]

At a minimum, I’d have everyone sit outside. You could frame it as a backyard barbecue- have frisbees and yard toys out for the kids and set up the lawn chairs ahead of time. Transmission on of the virus is VERY low outside. Hand sanitizer bottles sitting out for before you eat. You and your parents aren’t likely to catch it this way.

I understand how you feel with regards to your brother. My mother was one of 10 kids. She grew up in squalor- no exaggeration. She was tough, though, and did well for herself. But her siblings made questionable choices all over r place. They always turned to her to listen. And I watched how she handled herself with them. She was kind and listened. She didn’t make any judgments, no criticisms of them or their loved ones. She mainly kept quiet and threw in comments to let them know she was listening and understood and that she loved them regardless of their issues. She was their favorite sister (my aunts and uncles still tell me that). She made them feel loved and accepted. I wish I had done that with my little brother. Instead I bossed him around. We have a difficult relationship now.

You aren’t responsible for how your brother turned out. That was on your parents. They could have pulled you aside as a child and said, “hey, include your little brother too, ok? He needs to feel included.” They could have done more. They were the adults. I’m guessing that now in his life, as before, he just wants to feel loved, respected and supported no matter what he does. Give him that now and you will have done a lot.

Thank you for this. Both for the example that you shared of your own mother and also for the way you framed my own behaviors growing up. I do feel like I needed an adult to explain to me what I was doing but I'm also sad that I didn't see it myself and for any pain it may have caused.

[niccig]

Thank you for this. Both for the example that you shared of your own mother and also for the way you framed my own behaviors growing up. I do feel like I needed an adult to explain to me what I was doing but I'm also sad that I didn't see it myself and for any pain it may have caused.

You were a kid. Gatorsmom is right that the responsibility fell on your parents. Now as an adult, you can make changes. You could even say this, without blaming parents, say looking back I wished I had been there more for you. And going forward be there to listen. I agree with the no judgements or giving advice. That’s the issue with my sister, she’s telling me what to do or tries to guilt trip me, and she doesn’t realizing her interfering is making things worse.


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