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  1. #11
    SAHMIL is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    Default COVID has destroyed my son !

    My son is 13 years old now. I didnít get to finish but the one thing was was that in all honesty looking back yes on this one particular team this group of kids was awful. He is now moving up to a different level. In this level the kids are a little bit more chill because now they are highschoolers and heís away from six graders and fifth graders. He would be with mostly other eighth graders some seventh graders and ninth graders. The whole thing is is that he quit all sports all other activities and just focus on Hockey. when he was like what 9-10years old.

    He is not interested in any other sports. All he wants to do is do things with my husband whoís straight out has said thatís fine but he is ď not his playmate ď and also he has to work . My son tried to help my husband on a few jobs building decks but it didnít work .

    Anyway , after the goalie incident. Things started to go downhill . My son would say things like I donít feel the team respect me. So I said to him why do you say that? And he would say well they donít pass to me and I said well then you do things to show that you are the person to pass to you go out there and you show them. You know respect is earned on the ice and not automatically given. So as it turned out there were a few kids were mean to him but the thing I have told him as I said you need to have some good come back lines for these things. But he was afraid that they would take it and turn it around especially when one of the kids who was in fifth grade and the coachís son was on the team. One day a mom said to me ď what is it about your son ? The kids are so mean to him! And it bothers my son so much ! ď she told me stuff like that would not have happened with her sonís previous coach in the club.

    We were at a tournament and a group messed up our hotel room . Again I asked the kids to come and clean it up . When In rhetorically asked why they would do such a thing I got ďitís because he destroyed our shinny game at the last tournament ď .




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    Last edited by SAHMIL; 07-20-2020 at 12:17 PM.

  2. #12
    SAHMIL is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    But I do ask this . What age do we teach our kids resilience and how ? How do we teach our kids coping skills ? How do we teach our kids to not be pushed around ? These are important things . Iím also trying to get my DS to take responsibility for his actions .

    Over the last few years I have had to talk with him about tone of voice , attitude , how he treats me . One thing I bring up many times is that if parents see him at his worst with me then they think they donít want their kids hanging around him . And yes I have had a couple friends say that folks think he is spoiled because he questions everything . My mom and DH cater to him a lot so itís tough .

    On the other hand there is the whole thing that is ď my fault ď because at one sleepover one of the teammates was at , I had the kids turn in their phones at night before Theybwent to sleep . This is not uncommon at many peopleís homes except this one kid who I guess them told the team and then te team made fun of my son . I told him you tell them ďtoo bad so sad. You wonít be invited to my house .Ē
    Or when I would play music at games and the kids didnít like any of the music and would make fun of DS and tell him how i am fat and stupid . This is where my kid needs to toughen up , get a one liner collection, and defend his mom.

    And no I donít lecture but we talk with him about what the expectations are and time and place . I get that he asked the coach to practice one timers and the coach laughed in his face and could have had a better response but on the flip side there is the notion of the coach and player and only of the coach has said Iím open to suggestions .

    Iím sure some of this is the fact that I have cracked down on screen time and phone and video games . But again a lot of those are related to how he has treated us . I donít want someone coming down , grabbing his phone and then going on Xbox like he is trading stocks .

    So I did come up with expectations and now it had been made into a contract so he understands some chores as rent , others to be paid , and then acts of grace or kindness . Just so we can cut back on the attitude , sass and disrespect


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  3. #13
    SAHMIL is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by jgenie View Post
    I am so sorry to hear your son is having a tough time. You did not fail. We are all doing the best we can to figure out whatís best for our families. I know this would be really hard but could he go cold turkey on electronics? Get outside with him to pull weeds, clean the garage, go for hikes, ride bikes? Figure out a way the two of you can help someone else? One of our local food banks makes snack bags for kids. Box of cereal, granola bar, fruit cup, box of milk. My plan is to buy the ingredients and make some here at home to donate. Theyíll sit at the pantry for a week before distribution. Could you see if a local pantry could accept the same? Could you contact your local animal shelter and bring them old towels, blankets, etc? Good luck. Youíre a wonderful mother. You just hit a speed bump.
    Illinois has some tough restrictions . Many volunteer organizations are taking 18 and over only .


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  4. #14
    SAHMIL is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    Also , I donít want him to quit because of a group of jerks


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  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by SAHMIL View Post
    Also , I donít want him to quit because of a group of jerks


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    I would reframe that way of thinking as quitting equals failure. Reframe it was a way of taking a break to reassess things. Even though your son says he wants to play hockey but it doesnít sound that way to me?

    Is there a different hockey club you can change to? Otherwise I would stop pushing hockey on him, if it just isnít working anymore.


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  6. #16
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Thereís resilience and thereís staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and thereís wisdom in avoiding situations like that.


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  7. #17
    bisous is online now Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    There’s resilience and there’s staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and there’s wisdom in avoiding situations like that.


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    I agree with this. This is far outside of our experience with other teens and their parents. Thankfully the whole world isn't like that so it doesn't need to be endured. I'm sorry for all the crappy stuff you are encountering because of meanness and because of COVID. I don't know enough about hockey to advise you there but I can certainly see how it is hard for all of you and I'm sorry.

  8. #18
    MSWR0319 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SAHMIL View Post
    Also , I donít want him to quit because of a group of jerks


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    I would quit because of those jerks. It sounds like a miserable situation and why would you want to stay in it? I will say, your OP made it sound like You were the one struggling with the loss of hockey because it was hard for you to look at your friends pictures. You were blaming your son for making a decision that you didnít like. I think everyoneís kid is playing too much electronics right now.

    That being said my friendís son just joined our esports team at the HS this past year. She wasnít real thrilled but wanted to let him try. She said itís the best thing that has ever happened to him and isnít at all like she imagined. They socialize and strategize and theyíre both really enjoying it. She said once she took the time to understand what heís doing and why he enjoys it, she changed her mind. Plus she said you can even earn scholarships. Heís on the soccer team but she said this is better for him in all aspects. So maybe if you changed your way of thinking about the Xbox and his enjoyment of esports it may make it easier for you? Iím not saying he needs to sit on it all day every day.

    It also sounds like he wants to spend more time with your DH. Iíd be thrilled if my 13 year old wanted to spend time with me, so Iíd make every effort to find things we could do together. DH doesnít have to be his best friend but thereís nothing wrong with doing things together. My 11 year old wanted me to play Mario Cart with him and he loved it that we players together. Maybe you or DH could play one of his games once in awhile?

    Hang in there. These are tough times.

  9. #19
    SAHMIL is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    Thereís resilience and thereís staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and thereís wisdom in avoiding situations like that.


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    Agree . Thatís why I would look at another club


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  10. #20
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    essnce629 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    There’s resilience and there’s staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and there’s wisdom in avoiding situations like that.
    Yes, the situation and kids involved sound horrible! I would have let him quit a long time ago! My son was a competitive swimmer from the age of 9-13 and then it just became no longer fun for him and he had no desire to continue with their hardcore schedule. After a mild injury that required him to take a 2 week break (and then another 2 weeks off for winter break), he didn't want to go back. I let him quit, even though I was hoping he'd at least wait till high school. But I knew if he truly missed it he could always go back at a later time (join his high school team, rec team, another club, etc). I also let him quit fencing, archery, soccer when he was little, etc. It's fine though, having all that free time has allowed him to find new interests like blacksmithing, rock climbing, learning Japanese, and kendo. If he had never quit those other activities he would have never had a chance to try out these new extracurriculars. He also spends A TON of time playing video games (like it's his full time job), but he's having fun with his friends from school and some video games really do require a lot of teamwork, cooperation, and skill. I think it's time to let hockey go.
    Latia (Birth & Postpartum Doula and Infant Nanny)
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