#59 things are looking up!- Wrong college

[SnuggleBuggles]

Did you or your kiddo make the wrong choice for college? If so, how soon did you know it wasn't the right school for you? What did you do?

Mine was a slow build during freshman year to figure out I didn't like it. The kids were all clones of each other, no diversity and then there was a racist incident (the "N" word written on the door of one of the few black students on campus). While people decried the incident it didn't feel like enough of the students cared. I also felt that I couldn't be an adult there with all of the rules. It was a medium sized Catholic university. I transferred end of freshman year.

Ds1 made a surprising school choice. It wasn't at all where we thought he'd pick. He has been there a week and knows in his core it is the wrong place for him. "Luckily" with the pandemic he has the flexibility to come home and finish classes for the semester and regroup- everything is online. We have agreed to reevaluate on Sunday and keep encouraging him until then. So many kids are in the same boat. It is super hard to make friends with all of the Covid rules. No classes in person. Gyms are closed. Clubs are virtual. His roommate is nice but they aren't really going to become more than friendly acquaintances. The roommate came with friends from high school too, which doesn't help.

Just trying to decide how quickly you (or your kiddo) knew it was the wrong choice? Did you stick it out and find your first impression was wrong or was it really accurate? We obviously want him to give it the "old college try" but all of the reasons he doesn't like it on top of the Covid stuff don't surprise me.

[KpbS]

I transferred several times during college and could have avoided it by staying put at my original school. I wanted to go to a small, private school far away and ended up a a local university that was much better than I anticipated. That said, given this whole pandemic I think it is fine for your DS to throw in the towel if you do not lose too much money in the change. Yes, I'd let him make the switch. It might end up being better than he is experiencing now (most likely) but given the pandemic and all of the rules and strangeness, he may never find out sadly.

[georgiegirl]

I applied to transfer my freshman year but ended up staying put. I think I was a bit lost and unsure of what I wanted. In retrospect, that college was not the best choice for me, and I wish I had just gone to one of the prestigious large state schools (like Berkeley) like the other smart kids in my graduating class rather than travel to the other side of the country to a medium sized liberal arts school. I thought I’d be happier and “find myself” if I went far away. But I was the same person I was, and changing locations didn’t make me happier...but of course that’s a different story.

In your Ds’s case, I’d try to evaluate why he chose the school that he did, and whether you guys think that college is truly a good fit for him. With covid, I don’t think anyone is having an ideal freshman year...and those who are will end up with Covid (DH’s best friend’s daughter is now quarantined in her freshman dorm because her roommate was rushed to the ER with a fever and shortness of breath 10 days after they moved in.). It’s okay for him to change his mind. But I do think there can be a lot of dissatisfaction and disappointment if a kid pins all of their hopes on an amazing college experience on some sort of ideal. And it’s not like be will lose anything if he transfers elsewhere (because covid is ruining the fun parts of college.)


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[acmom]

I applied to transfer several times during my college experience, but never went through with it. I went to a great college - but had a picked a fairly small school, where I got scholarship money, could play my sport and was fairly close to home in a very similar city. Looking back I went with the "safe" choice bc I didn't want to be overwhelmed or take a huge leap out of my comfort zone. I came from a large, competitive high school and honestly, college didn't feel all that different. I wished quickly after starting college that I had taken that bigger leap bc I think a larger school with more students, more program options and maybe not as local might have provided me a richer experience. I got as close as being assigned a dorm room and email at a new bigger school, but ultimately decided to return to my 1st school bc I was worried I would not make the same type of close relationships in transferring. I made the best of it my 1st school and made good friends, had some great times and got a very good education. I just never felt like I really hit my stride or had college experience that really gave me a new perspective or pushed me to find my passion. I would chose differently if I were to go back and think I will encourage my kids to think about what they want the their college experience to give them in the long run. I think I chose for the short term - thinking about a safe choice of a place I could easily adjust to and feel comfortable vs. what I wanted to get out of the experience for the future.

In terms of your DS, I think if he really knows (and you can see that too) that it isn't a good fit for him, I think now would be a good time to make that change. As PPs said, Covid has changed so much that I don't think he will have even missed much at a new school if he goes that route. And in my case, those feelings that it wasn't the right fit never went away and led me to spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not I should transfer. I would have been better off to just make that move when I first had those feelings and move on and then eventually worried too much that it was too late.

[hellokitty]

My two final choices for college were either a very large big 10 school or a smaller, liberal arts, conservative school that was 95% greek. Having grown up in a small town and wanting to get the hell away from that mentality, I went with the big ten school. I did ok at a large school, there is so much there, if you look hard enough you can find your niche. However, I also realize now as an adult that at a smaller school I probably could have gotten, for a lack of a better word, better customer service? I guess that I am not a fussy person, so I went in not expecting a lot, it was all on me to pave my own path, vs having my hand held. I realize now as a parent that it is very depedent on each kid and their resilience and self-motivation. I have a second BS degree from a tiny college and it was ok, but bc I already had the college experience from my big ten U, I wasn't looking for a college experience... if that had been it, I don't think I would have liked it. Basically, I was just at that school to get my degree and not for the experience. So, I am glad that my first college experience was not at a small college, it would not have meshed well with my personality.

However, I had several friends who made the wrong choice and transferred after their first year, many went to small colleges and it was too small and ended up transferring to large public U colleges instead. My gut feeling has always been that for kids who aren't sure, a large college has more options, for those who need more 1-1 attention or hand holding, a smaller college will work better for them. Of my three kids, there is only one who I think would do better at a smaller college, BUT he has executive functioning skills issues (ADHD inattentive), bright kid, but can be a hot mess with organization. My other two are go getters, organized, know what they want... one already wants to go to the same big ten that DH and I are alum of.

[AngB]

One of my friends switched at semester and was pretty miserable her first semester. She went from pre-med at a well known school to education at a small private school, and has been teaching 12 or so years now. I actually ended up getting married and moving overseas after my first semester. I loved it for the semester I was there though and am still friends with some of my dorm mates, even 15+ years later. (Not my roommate though, haven't talked to her since I moved out.) I am glad it didn't work out for me even though I liked it a lot because it was wayyyyyy tooo expensive for the degree I was getting (teaching) and I shudder to think how much debt I would have graduated with if life hadn't changed. (Still got my teaching degree but without paying 2x as much for it...and I only ended up teaching 2 years so that really didn't pan out either.)

It's a hard crazy time even without covid so I would encourage them to stick it out a little longer but if you didn't think it was a great fit from the beginning then it seems mean to make them suffer for a semester.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Looking back I went with the "safe" choice bc I didn't want to be overwhelmed or take a huge leap out of my comfort zone. I came from a large, competitive high school and honestly, college didn't feel all that different. I wished quickly after starting college that I had taken that bigger leap bc I think a larger school with more students, more program options and maybe not as local might have provided me a richer experience. .

Mine took the leap to push himself out of his comfort zone. It was surprising but I supported that aspiration. I think it is just so hard to know what the right path is!!

[SnuggleBuggles]

One of my friends switched at semester and was pretty miserable her first semester. I actually ended up getting married and moving overseas after my first semester. I loved it for the semester I was there though and am still friends with some of my dorm mates, even 15+ years later. (Not my roommate though, haven't talked to her since I moved out.) I am glad it didn't work out for me even though I liked it a lot because it was wayyyyyy tooo expensive for the degree I was getting (teaching) and I shudder to think how much debt I would have graduated with if life hadn't changed. (Still got my teaching degree but without paying 2x as much for it...and I only ended up teaching 2 years so that really didn't pan out either.)

It's a hard crazy time even without covid so I would encourage them to stick it out a little longer but if you didn't think it was a great fit from the beginning then it seems mean to make them suffer for a semester.

Yeah, I said semester and he countered with one week. We are currently at the one week plan and I told him he could call before that though. If it's really that bad then just miserably counting down the days doesn't do much good. He said he was rapidly losing any motivation to try and explore/find new people. He's going to try and join a club and give it a little more oomph but who knows. I've reassured him that he is not alone- even in a normal year lots of kids make that 1st Sunday night tearful phone call but it usually gets better.

[chlobo]

I ended up at a college that was about the same size as my high school. However, it was a terrible fit. It was a huge party school with a pickup culture. Sorrorities and fraternities ruled the social life. I hated it and wanted to transfer but my parent would not support the move.

I think in your case, trying to find out why he isn't liking it would be key. If the culture is the wrong fit, which is kind of hard to tell during Covid, I would absolutely let him switch. And kudos to you for considering it.

[cheme]

I really wanted to go to a small college, but it ended up being too expensive and I ended up at the large state u. I hated it the first semester and did think about transferring somewhere closer to home. I’m so glad I didn’t! Once I met people and got involved with clubs, I ended up loving my college experience. It took time though, and I can’t imagine having been able to do it during covid.