#59 things are looking up!- Wrong college

[Kindra178]

It's such a weird time for college kids right now. I don't think he can make decisions based on a couple weeks there in a quarantine. I know for many kids in a normal year, October is really when it hits home that this place is not the right choice. I think you need to tease out whether (1) Covid is causing this discomfort; (2) being away from home during this crazy time is causing this; or (3) it's really the school and it wouldn't have been a good fit in the best of times.

As to (3), I think it's probably too early to tell anything. Nothing is normal, social interactions are limited, college administrations are putting the onus on 18-22 year olds to protect themselves and everyone else. I really think he needs to give it time. IF the school is super small, I can see how it's definitely time to get out. But if it's bigger, it will just take time to find his niche.

My ex-boyfriend hated Harvard his freshman year. He was really considering transferring, but if he mentioned it to anyone, people thought he was crazy. His friends all around the country were loving various colleges and he was miserable. It took all of first semester and half of second to find his people.

I feel for you mama. This isn't easy. . .

[mikala]

I'd encourage him to stick it out longer. It's been way too many years now but I recall feeling really out of place the first month or two of college. That changed over time as I got to know people and developed new friendships. It was such a huge change in so many ways and even in non-Covid times it's a huge adjustment to live away from home with a bunch of strangers. The sudden increase in independence can be both thrilling and really overwhelming. It may very well be that this isn't the right school for him, but I really think it's way too soon to throw in the towel.

[bisous]

It's such a weird time for college kids right now. I don't think he can make decisions based on a couple weeks there in a quarantine. I know for many kids in a normal year, October is really when it hits home that this place is not the right choice. I think you need to tease out whether (1) Covid is causing this discomfort; (2) being away from home during this crazy time is causing this; or (3) it's really the school and it wouldn't have been a good fit in the best of times.

As to (3), I think it's probably too early to tell anything. Nothing is normal, social interactions are limited, college administrations are putting the onus on 18-22 year olds to protect themselves and everyone else. I really think he needs to give it time. IF the school is super small, I can see how it's definitely time to get out. But if it's bigger, it will just take time to find his niche.

My ex-boyfriend hated Harvard his freshman year. He was really considering transferring, but if he mentioned it to anyone, people thought he was crazy. His friends all around the country were loving various colleges and he was miserable. It took all of first semester and half of second to find his people.

I feel for you mama. This isn't easy. . .

This is very well written and I completely agree.

I'm so sorry! This cannot be easy!

[westwoodmom04]

It's such a weird time for college kids right now. I don't think he can make decisions based on a couple weeks there in a quarantine. I know for many kids in a normal year, October is really when it hits home that this place is not the right choice. I think you need to tease out whether (1) Covid is causing this discomfort; (2) being away from home during this crazy time is causing this; or (3) it's really the school and it wouldn't have been a good fit in the best of times.

As to (3), I think it's probably too early to tell anything. Nothing is normal, social interactions are limited, college administrations are putting the onus on 18-22 year olds to protect themselves and everyone else. I really think he needs to give it time. IF the school is super small, I can see how it's definitely time to get out. But if it's bigger, it will just take time to find his niche.

My ex-boyfriend hated Harvard his freshman year. He was really considering transferring, but if he mentioned it to anyone, people thought he was crazy. His friends all around the country were loving various colleges and he was miserable. It took all of first semester and half of second to find his people.

I feel for you mama. This isn't easy. . .

I think this too. If it were my kid, I would want them to go through that least one normal semester before transferring. I imagine your child didn’t even get the same orientation he would have in a normal year.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think this too. If it were my kid, I would want them to go through that least one normal semester before transferring. I imagine your child didn’t even get the same orientation he would have in a normal year.

No orientation. There were a few activities but nothing like a normal year.


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[carolinacool]

It's such a weird time for college kids right now. I don't think he can make decisions based on a couple weeks there in a quarantine. I know for many kids in a normal year, October is really when it hits home that this place is not the right choice. I think you need to tease out whether (1) Covid is causing this discomfort; (2) being away from home during this crazy time is causing this; or (3) it's really the school and it wouldn't have been a good fit in the best of times.

As to (3), I think it's probably too early to tell anything. Nothing is normal, social interactions are limited, college administrations are putting the onus on 18-22 year olds to protect themselves and everyone else. I really think he needs to give it time. IF the school is super small, I can see how it's definitely time to get out. But if it's bigger, it will just take time to find his niche.

I agree with all of this. I loved my college experience. I wanted to go to a big state college and I did. But I was from out of state, and like your DS, I didn't know a soul. My roommate was nice enough, but I knew pretty quickly we weren't going to be hanging out. I don't know I if I ever said another word to her after freshman year.

Starting under "Covid rules" would have been awful -- no gatherings, no hanging out, no going to other dorms. I think it's hard to real get a feel for it all under such crazy restrictions. Getting out and meeting people was how I found my place. I would give it more time. I feel for your DS>

[SnuggleBuggles]

In a normal year I wouldn’t really entertain the idea of coming home before a whole semester and probably have him stick out the year. But, during a pandemic, I’m finding myself conflicted. It’s a huge school so the normal hurdle of finding people is compounded by not having the traditional methods to find people. I started to say that he’d find some like minded people in his major but everything is online. No face to face to meet people. All of my standard advice doesn’t work this year. Good thing is if he did come home, the school will let him go back anytime within the next few years. So he could get a do-over of on campus if he’d want to.
I also know how hard it is to be a transfer student so I’d love for him to stick it out.
It was very likely this was never going to be the right fit of a school for him. He likes being a big fish in a medium pond.
Thanks everyone for listening and letting me talk this through. We’re just going to keep the lines of communication open.
Who knows? Maybe our school will pull a UNC and the decision will be made for him (and we’ll get a mostly full housing refund instead of the 50% they’d give us).


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[jenmcadams]

I think this is tough. I have friends who transferred and socially it can be tough, but if a school is definitely not the right fit, it's better to find out sooner and make a move. I think you're right that this year might be easier to pull back and take some time to evaluate by going online/remote if it's an option.

My DD doesn't move in until September 9, but it's definitely going to be a different freshman year. She's definitely not attending her first choice school (she got a 100% full ride (tuition, room & board, and expenses for undergrad + tuition for a 5th year masters, so she turned down some other more prestigious, slightly better fit options), but the school she's attending is solid and she's really making the best of it. The school is local (which wasn't her first choice), so she's been networking with friends of friends who are attending (or will attend). She's spending a ton of time applying for programs, researching teachers, etc. She was lucky that she was able to live with the roommates she chose (all are from out of state) and she's happy with her housing situation.

In a normal year, I think it would almost always make sense to say stick out the semester (or year), but this year is definitely not normal

Good luck and keep us updated

[AnnieW625]

I think you need to give it at least a semester, if not a full year....sorry probably not what you want to hear. The pandemic doesn’t make things any easier. This is the first time that many kids have been away from home and it is all new to them. Eating in the dining hall (if even an option) has got to be way different than before as well. I think your DS needs to give it more than a week or two. If at the end of the semester he still thinks it sucks then reevaluate, but college was never meant to be easy and I would be telling my kid they need to complete their commitment, which is a semester or quarter term.

I never expected my roommate to be my best friend. I moved into the dorms as a junior transfer in the spring semester. My first roommate lasted 8 weeks and tbh was rarely in my room as she had a boyfriend in the navy, and she was always gone. She ended up dropping out of school by mid March that year. I never saw her again. 22+ years later I have long since forgotten her last name. I was a junior and she was a freshman so that made it hard as well. During my first semester away I failed my first ever paper in my major (communications, I was an A+ student at my prior commuter university), I had the roommate move out drama, and then a close family friend died in a plane crash all within a week. My parents made me stick it out as the semester was 1/2 over by then. It was hard and I ended up working my ass off to get a C+ in the class that I had the failed paper in and other than the D I got in marine biology the last semester of college it was my worst course grade in the last two years of college.

I am sure your son will do fine once things really get going, but still sending him lots of vibes.

FWIW: I applied to three universities: 1. my dad’s Alma mater (a small Catholic liberal arts school), 2. The UC school 10 minutes from my house, and 3. The CSU school 40 minutes from my house. Nothing out of my comfort zone. I had spent my childhood going to reunions at my dad’s Alma mater and thought that is what college away from home was like, a big family. The UC was also super familiar to me. I ended up not getting into my top two school choices so I was just going to go to the city college in downtown Sacramento (20 minutes from my house) and then transfer to a UC my junior year (Berkeley or Los Angeles). At the last minute I got into the CSU school and my mom said “the cost is almost the same as the city college so just go to CSU for two years. The only bummer was my parents didn’t think it was necessary for me to live in the dorms. The mid size CSU commuter school was a better experience then I expected. If my parents would’ve let me rent a place in Sacramento near the school in my junior year then I probably would’ve stayed there, but they said if I wanted to move out of the house I had to move away to school (and live in a dorm) so I went totally out of my comfort zone and moved 800 miles away and went to the largest state university in California (SDSU). I wish I would’ve done it as a freshman though looking back at things or at least gone to Chico State (2 hours away from home) as a freshman. I needed to branch out and do something that was way out of my comfort zone, but I didn’t know that when I was 18; the small LAC was in my comfort zone then, but I am really glad I ended up on the college path I did.

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[SnuggleBuggles]

I think you need to give it at least a semester, if not a full year....sorry probably not what you want to hear. The pandemic doesn’t make things any easier. This is the first time that many kids have been away from home and it is all new to them. Eating in the dining hall (if even an option) has got to be way different than before as well. I think your DS needs to give it more than a week or two. If at the end of the semester he still thinks it sucks then reevaluate, but college was never meant to be easy and I would be telling my kid they need to complete their commitment, which is a semester or quarter term.

I never expected my roommate to be my best friend. I moved into the dorms as a junior transfer in the spring semester. My first roommate lasted 8 weeks and tbh was rarely in my room as she had a boyfriend in the navy, and she was always gone. She ended up dropping out of school by mid March that year. I never saw her again. 22+ years later I have long since forgotten her last name. I was a junior and she was a freshman so that made it hard as well. During my first semester away I failed my first ever paper in my major (communications, I was an A+ student at my prior commuter university), I had the roommate move out drama, and then a close family friend died in a plane crash all within a week. My parents made me stick it out as the semester was 1/2 over by then. It was hard and I ended up working my ass off to get a C+ in the class that I had the failed paper in and other than the D I got in marine biology the last semester of college it was my worst course grade in the last two years of college.

I am sure your son will do fine once things really get going, but still sending him lots of vibes.

FWIW: I graduated from high school and applied to three universities: 1. my dad’s Alma mater (a small Catholic liberal arts school), 2. The UC school 10 minutes from my house, and 3. The CSU school 40 minutes from my house. After not getting into my top two school choices I was just going to go to the city college in downtown Sacramento (20 minutes from my house) and then transfer to a UC my junior year. At the last minute I got into the CSU school and my mom said “the cost is almost the same as the city college so just go to CSU for two years. The only bummer was my parents didn’t think it was necessary for me to live in the dorms. The mid size CSU commuter school was a better experience then I expected. If my parents would’ve let me rent a place in Sacramento near the school in my junior year then I probably would’ve stayed there, but they said if I wanted to move out of the house I had to move away to school (and live in a dorm) so I went totally out of my comfort zone and moved 800 miles away and went to the largest state university in California (SDSU). I wish I would’ve done it as a freshman though looking back at things or at least gone to Chico State (2 hours away from home as a freshman. I needed to branch out and do something that was way out of my comfort zone, but I didn’t know that when I was 18; the small LAC was in my comfort zone then, but I am really glad I ended up on the college path I did.

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He knew it would be a challenge and that adjusting to being away from home are hurdles we could get him through. He doesn't like the overall school culture (and it is not just his impression of things...it is how the school actually is). Nothing wrong with it but it will never be "him". I am confident that normally he could find his way. He might not ever love it but he could settle in. But I am not as confident. The things that help you get comfortable and find a niche don't exist. It's a long slog. Lots and lots of proud alumni from this school including some family. Just hard to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em this year.