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  1. #21
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenmcadams View Post
    I think this is tough. I have friends who transferred and socially it can be tough, but if a school is definitely not the right fit, it's better to find out sooner and make a move. I think you're right that this year might be easier to pull back and take some time to evaluate by going online/remote if it's an option.

    My DD doesn't move in until September 9, but it's definitely going to be a different freshman year. She's definitely not attending her first choice school (she got a 100% full ride (tuition, room & board, and expenses for undergrad + tuition for a 5th year masters, so she turned down some other more prestigious, slightly better fit options), but the school she's attending is solid and she's really making the best of it. The school is local (which wasn't her first choice), so she's been networking with friends of friends who are attending (or will attend). She's spending a ton of time applying for programs, researching teachers, etc. She was lucky that she was able to live with the roommates she chose (all are from out of state) and she's happy with her housing situation.

    In a normal year, I think it would almost always make sense to say stick out the semester (or year), but this year is definitely not normal

    Good luck and keep us updated
    I hope your dd has a good experience. It sounds like she is really going into it well prepared.

  2. #22
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    AnnieW625 is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    He knew it would be a challenge and that adjusting to being away from home are hurdles we could get him through. He doesn't like the overall school culture (and it is not just his impression of things...it is how the school actually is). Nothing wrong with it but it will never be "him". I am confident that normally he could find his way. He might not ever love it but he could settle in. But I am not as confident. The things that help you get comfortable and find a niche don't exist. It's a long slog. Lots and lots of proud alumni from this school including some family. Just hard to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em this year.
    I just saw your update....didn’t see it before I posted. Yes I have some proud alums from your DS school and in my friends and family as well (I was really surprised my cousin went there as well). They all love this school. Again best wishes to your son.


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  3. #23
    smilequeen is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I chose the wrong school. I went on prestige and didn't really think about fit. When I didn't find my people quickly, it wasn't that odd as I am an introvert and I was painfully shy at that age. I found some people, but not friends. I still intended to return until after I'd moved home and then I quickly realized I didn't want to go back and got on transfer plans ASAP. Second school was a perfect fit.

    Now is such a hard time, it would be so much harder to decide. I'd lean towards toughing out the semester if not the year under normal circumstances, while making transfer plans. But with virtual schooling, doing it from home seems more viable.
    Mama to my boys (04,07,11)

  4. #24
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I'm just musing aloud here, but I'm wondering if a good metric might be to think of what's best "right now" since there is no way to predict what's going to happen in the future. Will there be a successful vaccine released at the end of the year and we'll all be back to normal in June? Or will this be more or less "the new normal"?

    I think that COVID really does change the metric. I like the idea of maybe pulling back home, continuing with schooling (so that he's progressing during this difficult time), but in the meantime taking the more comfortable (and cheaper) route? Then reassessing when you know more?

    Factors that are making me lean this way include the fact that you don't have a lot of confidence that the school is a good fit, that we're in a pandemic AND that he doesn't want to stay. Take away any one of those elements and I might feel differently.

    Homesickness is SO normal. And its SOOO good to learn to get through it. I am sad that he won't get the chance to have the hard lesson of getting through it. But it doesn't seem worth it when the school might not be a fit anyway AND there is a pandemic going on. The lesson of "sticking with it" may well be pointless and so, I think that considering the best outcome RIGHT NOW might not be a bad way to think about it.

    That's what I'm leaning towards as you write but I also think you should trust yourself as you know your child and the particulars the very best!

  5. #25
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by bisous View Post
    I'm just musing aloud here, but I'm wondering if a good metric might be to think of what's best "right now" since there is no way to predict what's going to happen in the future. Will there be a successful vaccine released at the end of the year and we'll all be back to normal in June? Or will this be more or less "the new normal"?

    I think that COVID really does change the metric. I like the idea of maybe pulling back home, continuing with schooling (so that he's progressing during this difficult time), but in the meantime taking the more comfortable (and cheaper) route? Then reassessing when you know more?

    Factors that are making me lean this way include the fact that you don't have a lot of confidence that the school is a good fit, that we're in a pandemic AND that he doesn't want to stay. Take away any one of those elements and I might feel differently.

    Homesickness is SO normal. And its SOOO good to learn to get through it. I am sad that he won't get the chance to have the hard lesson of getting through it. But it doesn't seem worth it when the school might not be a fit anyway AND there is a pandemic going on. The lesson of "sticking with it" may well be pointless and so, I think that considering the best outcome RIGHT NOW might not be a bad way to think about it.

    That's what I'm leaning towards as you write but I also think you should trust yourself as you know your child and the particulars the very best!
    Thanks!
    I think sorting out the expected homesickness from fit is where I am now and my gut says it’s fit. I’ve made him stick things out over the years and it’s always been the right choice. This one doesn’t feel the same.



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  6. #26
    KrisM is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Does he have any scholarships tied to being a freshman? Would he get them elsewhere? If so, I wonder if he can pull out of classes without having a college transcript and just take a year off. Then he can regroup and hope for a better experience next year, either there or someplace else, while still preserving the freshman status.

    I enjoyed my college a lot, but that was based on being able to join clubs, meet people, etc. Such a different time for college kids now.

    Good luck.
    Kris

  7. #27
    jenmcadams is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    I hope your dd has a good experience. It sounds like she is really going into it well prepared.
    Thanks - fingers crossed it all works out (and she gets at least some time on campus before it shuts down)

    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    Thanks!
    I think sorting out the expected homesickness from fit is where I am now and my gut says it’s fit. I’ve made him stick things out over the years and it’s always been the right choice. This one doesn’t feel the same.
    Your gut is important and would definitely make me pause and maybe deviate from my standard advice of just sticking it out

    Quote Originally Posted by KrisM View Post
    Does he have any scholarships tied to being a freshman? Would he get them elsewhere? If so, I wonder if he can pull out of classes without having a college transcript and just take a year off. Then he can regroup and hope for a better experience next year, either there or someplace else, while still preserving the freshman status..
    I was actually thinking about this too. There's a lot of merit money available to freshmen that isn't available to transfers. Depending on your financial situation, it could be better to withdraw completely
    Mom to a DD (8/02) and a DS (6/05)

  8. #28
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by KrisM View Post
    Does he have any scholarships tied to being a freshman? Would he get them elsewhere? If so, I wonder if he can pull out of classes without having a college transcript and just take a year off. Then he can regroup and hope for a better experience next year, either there or someplace else, while still preserving the freshman status.

    I enjoyed my college a lot, but that was based on being able to join clubs, meet people, etc. Such a different time for college kids now.

    Good luck.
    Nothing tied to his school. He can finish the semester or whole year totally remotely so no transcript issues.
    He can also get back into his 2nd choice school pretty easily- they have a procedure for sprinvvafmits for kids like him.


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  9. #29
    Globetrotter is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    This is a hard time to be going through this. Normally I would say get involved in school and he will find his people, as you indicated, but with Covid everything is a challenge. The spontaneous bonding probably isn’t happening when you have to stay distanced
    As you said, another challenge is that people have friends from home. This is true for the UCs- Most of her friends literally went to the same UC and or are even rooming together in an apartment now, along with others
    DD went to a SLAC and nobody she knew came in with friends from their school, so they were forced to get out there and meet new friends. I honestly think that makes a huge difference. She was quite anxious about moving six hours away – even though it’s in-state, California is a huge state. After the first couple of weeks she got into her groove and came to love it and so thankful she left her comfort zone.
    Do you think the large school is not a good fit for him? It’s hard to know until you go there. I think in DD’s case she would’ve been fine at a huge UC, too, because she’s a go-getter and is ok with self study- She would have had more varied opportunities at a UC. However, she has really loved the LAC experience with small classes, getting to know the profs, different kinds of opportunities, and the teaching is top notch. They do a ton more writing than her friends at the UCs, I guess because the classes are smaller, the profs gives tons of detailed feedback, which would be impossible with a class of 200. I am really impressed by how they’re handling virtual learning and here I do see a huge disparity with the larger schools.
    It works out beautifully for her but some may feel suffocated by the relatively small size.
    If he doesn’t feel like he belongs, that is a harder one, especially now.
    Honestly, Covid makes it easier to leave if he is sure it’s not a good fit. I don’t know about the financial ramifications, and that’s a big consideration of course. Or at least finish one semester of credits and work on transferring out. It’s not like the kids in the transfer school are bonding either, so he’s probably not missing out as much as he would have under normal circumstances.
    he could even take a gap year, again if you’re able to get a refund (unlikely im guessing). I have concerns about DS going to college a year from now, if the Covid restrictions are there. He is an introvert and it will take some time and effort for him to find his people, but fortunately he does some activities that would automatically help him find his type – I’m guessing most kids do, but Right now it just takes more effort to get out there on zoom. An introvert could easily get lost in the background.
    "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What? You, too? I thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis

  10. #30
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    I should say that he is making friends and trying. But, the overall vibe (the majority of kids he’s meeting are all super into sports, for example) just isn’t his thing. I think most of the socializing is taking place on the basketball court or playing football. Not his interest. He’s a swimmer not a ball athlete. The kids aren’t just into playing sports but watching sports, talking about sports... I’m sure there are others like him but he can’t find them. RAs are breaking up groups of kids playing cards because they’re not socially distancing...
    I think my gut says go get him. But outwardly I’m telling him to give it more time.
    The classes are organizing social media channels together so that might help.
    Thanks again, all, for letting me talk this out.


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