Estranged family member...advice needed

[hbridge]

So I have a close family member who has decided to no longer be in contact with the family...at all. I have only a vague idea what transpired (this time) to make her "leave" (this is not the first time). As the only other person in our generation, I try to check every 6 months or so to make sure she is still alive. I was checking FB to determine this and discovered that she got married over the summer. I honestly don't know what to do with this information. Do I tell the rest of the family (there are members who will be heartbroken)? Do I send a text...a gift...???

I am less hurt by the fact that she got married (for the second time) without telling anyone or giving us a chance to be there and more angry that now I have this "secret" and don't want to be the one who has to process this with the elderly relatives.

Honestly, I don't really HAVE to do anything... BUT... ARGH...

ETA: I was following her "rules" for a couple of years and cutting off all contact, that felt WRONG to me so now I treat her as I would a relative who lives abroad...Christmas cards, small holiday gifts, Birthday cards...

[Liziz]

Is this someone with whom you would like to have more contact, if she was open to it? If so, then I'd simply text or message her with a simple "congrats" type message and leave it at that. If this is someone with whom you have no desire to have contact/rekindle a relationship, and are just checking in out of a sense of duty.....then I'd just ignore it. She chose to "leave", she chose to get married without informing family.

I would absolutely not tell anyone in the family. Not your business, not your responsiblity. No reason for you to get involved. I'd pretend I'd never seen the FB post and move on with my life.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Are you Facebook friends? If not, I’m not sure I’d do anything if she might think you were being a creeper reading her posts. But, then again, if she publicly posted it then that’s on her too.
Is she amenable when you reach out normally? Gifts, cards...already seem like a lot of contact. Does she reply? I’m just trying to figure out your relationship.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[niccig]

I wouldn’t say anything to her or to elderly relatives. She’s an adult. If she wanted anyone in the family to know, she would’ve told them.

As for the estrangement, that’s her decision too.You can disagree with her decision, but you should though respect it as you would any other adult’s decision. We don’t get to tell other adults how to live their lives. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want contact. Respect that boundary

Not your circus. Not your problem. Don’t get involved as it would be messy


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[jgenie]

I would forget I saw it and move on.

[petesgirl]

I would also not say anyone to anyone else.
If you want to keep a relationship with her and you think she would respond positively, I think it would be fine to congratulate her somehow.

[hbridge]

OP here, thank you all. I generally check her FB just for signs of life and then move on to her now husbands account just to make sure she is still alive. They don't post much, but he had wedding pictures and she changed her status to "married". We are no longer FB friends, I was so hurt when she decided to leave the family...again, I unfriended her. However, other family friends are still on her friend list and they don't have good privacy settings so everything is public. I can see a well meaning acquaintance telling her parents, they are going to be devasted!

The last time I checked no one had posted anything for about 8 months so I texted her... no response... finally I sent a "this is checking to see if you are alive, please respond". I got two words back. I am okay with that.

Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to move on and not acknowledge the wedding.

As for the estrangement, that’s her decision too.You can disagree with her decision, but you should though respect it as you would any other adult’s decision. We don’t get to tell other adults how to live their lives. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want contact. Respect that boundary
Baby Bargains

You are right about "respecting her boundaries", however, after years of trying to do what she wanted me to, I have decided to not let her set the terms of how I behave. I tried that and was spending too much time angry. Now, I set the terms for my side of the relationship. If she does not want to reciprocate, that's okay. However, I feel horrible not sending her a Christmas card, for example, so I send her one... for me. It is the only way that I can make internal peace with the situation.

Thank you all... DH has been NO HELP. He just shook his head and reminded me that this is the second wedding of hers that we have not been informed of...

Times like this that it is hard having a really small family. With only the two of us in this generation, I don't have anyone to bounce things off of...

[DualvansMommy]

Other pp gave good suggestions, but I’m giving you a perspective of someone who cut off members of my family. You really don’t know every detail that led her to make that decision, I would respect her boundaries. You did say you had many years of doing things her way then she cut you guys off, so that likely isn’t helping things. But I reframe things in my mind saying I tried my best and now is really the time to let go and focus on yourself.

Yes there may be other relatives in your circle be upset with news of her marriage, but why does it bother *you* though? I would not say anything since you saw the news in a roundabout way and not directly from her. I also would not let myself be pulled in the family drama if you have other members venting to you saying how unfair,etc. just reply saying everyone is an adult and can do as they please, and move on to another topic.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[hbridge]

DualvansMommy, thank you. I have no idea what led to her decision or why I am included in the "cut off family". The last time I spoke with her (three years ago) she had a call from work come in so she "had to go" and I have not spoken to her since. I don't know if I did something or if I am just included with another drama that I have heard about, but don't know any details.

Honestly, I feel like she has abandoned me and I don't know why. So, while I don't reach out much, I feel like it's important to maintain some contact, even if it's one sided.

I don't know if it matters, but she is like a sister. We grew up in the same house...

Thank you all for the interesting perspectives.

[Liziz]

DualvansMommy, thank you. I have no idea what led to her decision or why I am included in the "cut off family". The last time I spoke with her (three years ago) she had a call from work come in so she "had to go" and I have not spoken to her since. I don't know if I did something or if I am just included with another drama that I have heard about, but don't know any details.

Honestly, I feel like she has abandoned me and I don't know why. So, while I don't reach out much, I feel like it's important to maintain some contact, even if it's one sided.

I don't know if it matters, but she is like a sister. We grew up in the same house...

Thank you all for the interesting perspectives.

I'm so sorry -- it must be tough being cut off from someone you were once close to, with no chance to understand why. I will say that given that you definitely sound like you'd like more contact with her -- definitely don't talk about her or anything you learn about her with other family members, as that will NOT help.

My DH has a family member who we chose to stop all contact with. The person committed a crime (like a "has been convicted and is serving a very long prison sentence") and while the crime didn't directly affect our family, it could have -- and the person seems only interested in defending himself and being upset he was caught. For years, this person attempted to make contact with DH, and every time we heard from him, he had lots of personal details about our family, given to him by other (probably well meaning, but it wasn't appreciated) family members who thought DH made a bad decision stopping contact. Because of that, DH basically had to stop talking to several OTHER family members as well (not like he cut them off, but he doesn't share personal details, pictures, or anything going on with our DC) -- because he wasn't comfortable with the degree they were discussing our family with the criminal family member, despite his wishes.

I'm sharing this just to say that if there's members of the family that your relative is trying to avoid, and she knows that you're sharing info about her life with those people, she may be avoiding you just because she doesn't want you to be a conduit to these other people. I'm not trying to justify or really figure out why this person has included you in the cutting off, but just trying to encourage that it definitely won't help if you're sharing details you learn about her with other family members.