Estranged family member...advice needed

[niccig]

DualvansMommy, thank you. I have no idea what led to her decision or why I am included in the "cut off family". The last time I spoke with her (three years ago) she had a call from work come in so she "had to go" and I have not spoken to her since. I don't know if I did something or if I am just included with another drama that I have heard about, but don't know any details.

Honestly, I feel like she has abandoned me and I don't know why. So, while I don't reach out much, I feel like it's important to maintain some contact, even if it's one sided.

I don't know if it matters, but she is like a sister. We grew up in the same house...

Thank you all for the interesting perspectives.

If she has told you to not contact her, and you still initiate contact, so you feel better, she may be including you in the estrangement from others because you’re not respecting her request.


Imagine the roles are reversed, you don’t want contact with someone and they insist on sending you cards and gifts. How would you feel that they disrespected your boundary? Would you want to reach out them when they continue to contact you when you’ve asked them to stop? Or would it solidify that this person doesn’t listen or respect you, so no way would you reach out to them to tell them about a wedding?

She does get to decide who she talks to and who she doesn’t. It hurts, but ignoring her boundaries isn’t going to help.

I’m not trying to attack you. I’ve experienced estrangement from both sides. It hurts. The best is to let her live her life the way she wants. And you accept living yours without having a role in her life because you can’t make her include you.




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[JElaineB]

My personal thought is to let her go completely. But since it seems like that is not something you want to do, why don't you try re-adding her as a Facebook friend? If she accepts then it could be a way to reconnect. If not, then nothing is lost from where things stand now.

[hbridge]

Thank you all for your perspective. She has never told me not to contact her, she just stopped being in touch. I truly don't want or need any more contact than I have. I just don't know what to do after finding out she got married...

I wish I could let go completely. I have tried. It eats me from the inside and causes me to much anxiety. We send at least 75 Christmas Cards out every year, not including her causes me too much sadness. I expect nothing from her except a "yes I'm alive" once or twice a year.

It sounds like I should just ignore the wedding announcement and move on. I wish her well and hope that she is happy.

[doberbrat]

Christmas is something like 98 days away. In your card to her, write I heard you got married; wishing you a lifetime of love. Hugs, xxx


Makes me crazy that dh is estranged from his family for no good reason that I've ever seen. I cant explain it to my kids who are close to my family. I make myself let it go. Its very hard to do. hugs to you

[niccig]

I wish I could let go completely. I have tried. It eats me from the inside and causes me to much anxiety. We send at least 75 Christmas Cards out every year, not including her causes me too much sadness. I expect nothing from her except a "yes I'm alive" once or twice a year.
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This so something to discuss with a therapist. You can only control your response and you’re hurting over this. Talking it out may help you come to peace with the situation. You can’t “expect” anything from her. She’s going to decide how she wants to live her life and who she wants to be in contact with. Your 1-2x a year may be more than she wants to do, and you’ll be disappointed/hurt when she doesn’t do it. It’s very difficult to let it go. It does bring relief and I hope you can come to some peace about the situation



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[niccig]

Makes me crazy that dh is estranged from his family for no good reason that I've ever seen. I cant explain it to my kids who are close to my family. I make myself let it go. Its very hard to do. hugs to you

I can’t speak for your DH, but I’d guess his reasons include decades of treatment and behaviors, and he may be trying to protect you and the kids from it. I’ve found friends with normal rational families can’t understand why I don’t have a relationship with my mother. They can’t wrap their head around it, because their parent is a rational loving parent, so of course everyone’s parents were like that.

MIL has expressed disbelief until I remind her exactly what my mother said and did to DS. She can’t fathom a grandparent hurting their grandchild like that. And I remind her my mother is not a rational loving grandmother. Her words and behavior will hurt DS. And that is why there is no relationship unless my mother gets mental health treatment. It’s a sad situation and it is hurtful to other family members, but I will not risk DS’ safety so they can continue pretending we’re a happy family. They’re mad at me, which they can be, but there needs to be real change before I’d risk my immediate family’s safety.


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[mommy111]

OP you clearly have a connection with her and this is bothering you. If you feel like it, you could text or message her to just say congratulations. If she has disputes with her parents though I wouldn’t tell them. I’m sure someone else will given the privacy settings but shouldn’t be you

[dogmom]

This so something to discuss with a therapist. You can only control your response and you’re hurting over this. Talking it out may help you come to peace with the situation. You can’t “expect” anything from her. She’s going to decide how she wants to live her life and who she wants to be in contact with. Your 1-2x a year may be more than she wants to do, and you’ll be disappointed/hurt when she doesn’t do it. It’s very difficult to let it go. It does bring relief and I hope you can come to some peace about the situation



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Yes, please, take care of yourself. You cannot change her actions. These situations can range from a mental ill, narcissistic individual always lashing out on the people closest to them and blaming them for all their choices to someone who has a been a victim of abuse for years who need leave because the other family members gaslight them about the abuse. Most situations are between these two extremes. It is quite probable that she is mischaracterizing your actions and motives, and you might be doing the same, but it really doesn’t matter because it’s not about blame.

If you don’t want to do therapy at this time (or can’t be because therapists are overloaded) consider writing out letters to her, or writing in a journal. You can set aside the letter and go back to it in a week and reread it and reflect upon it, then redraft it. These are not to send to her, but by putting words on the page and taking time to reflect it’s might create just enough distance for you to learn some things. At the very least it might serve to desensitize you to some of the raw emotions by constantly redoing it. If you eventually land on the fact that you will send a card every so often so so with not expectations so bet it. It is not too intrusive and she can read the address and throw it away without reading if she wants. But that’s where it should end. I don’t think you need to check “if she’s live” since she doesn’t appear to be living on the streets with no one to check in on her.

Once again, it’s not about right and wrong. But it should be about YOUR feelings. You can’t own your other family members feelings. You need to stop that now. I’m pretty certain that’s what your DH is reacting to. The fact he sees you constantly hurt by her well established behavior that won’t change + taking emotions from other family members. That gets hard to support as a partner.

[StantonHyde]

I can’t speak for your DH, but I’d guess his reasons include decades of treatment and behaviors, and he may be trying to protect you and the kids from it. I’ve found friends with normal rational families can’t understand why I don’t have a relationship with my mother. They can’t wrap their head around it, because their parent is a rational loving parent, so of course everyone’s parents were like that.

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This--so much this. My own DH doesn't fully understand and I have told him what it was like. But I am done. I don't have to continually justify my actions. Why the heck people can't just accept that someone else made a different decision than they did and move on is beyond me. I am not going to keep repeating myself or bring up all the abuse stories. It should just be enough that I say that I don't communicate with my father. End of story.

[DualvansMommy]

This--so much this. My own DH doesn't fully understand and I have told him what it was like. But I am done. I don't have to continually justify my actions. Why the heck people can't just accept that someone else made a different decision than they did and move on is beyond me. I am not going to keep repeating myself or bring up all the abuse stories. It should just be enough that I say that I don't communicate with my father. End of story.

Not to belabor her & niccig’s points, but that is my biggest beef with people who.wont.drop it when I ask them to stop. OP, I recall few posts in the recent years here about your relative, and it seems it hasn’t been resolved for which I’m sorry as I can sense your pain and anguish. It is a very good idea for you to seek out therapy about this, as it’ll help you to come terms with the lack of closure, which is what I suspect that is causing you a lot of grief.

I had someone in my life disappear on me without any words/explanation/nothing. He was an important figure during my formative years & it took me 15 years to get over it and be at peace with it. For the longest time, I just couldn’t get pass the lack of closure from him. This is where I learnt important lesson, you can’t rely on others to get closure, it has to come from yourself. it was devastating, which is why I gave a reason and explanation to my relatives that I’ve cut off cuz I know it gives them an idea of a closure.

So, have grace and let go. Treat yourself to self care.


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