Helping ADHD son with remote learning

[PunkyBoo]

I need help. I might be venting but I also really need help. DS2 is in 6th grade, which is the last year of elementary in our district. DH and I both work full time- DH still goes to his office each day throughout the pandemic, but I've been working from home since April. I work a structured job, meaning I don't get flex time- I am expected to be working during my work hours unless I request PTO. DS2 has ADHD, his biggest issue has always been impulse control. His district is only having synchronous (live) zoom learning for 2.5 hours a day, and the rest is asynchronous (learning independently like homework). Problem is, there is no such thing as "independent learning" for DS2. He cannot (or will not, I'm not 100% sure anymore) focus at all to do any of his asynchronous work unless I'm literally sitting next to him AND focused on him. When I give gentle or not so gentle reminders for him to get his work done, he consistently tells me he needs help with the math so he waits until I finish work. At every break and as soon as synchronous learning is complete, he automatically starts either playing games or watching YouTube videos on the district-issued chromebook. I can't stop him or monitor him or engage him most of the time because I'm working. I emailed the district technology dept about 3 weeks ago asking if I could somehow block his access to these things and I have not gotten an answer. So he sits there watching YouTube for HOURS until I hound him to start his work then he yells at me that he needs my help to do the math. I have no idea how much time the teacher is actually teaching the math and showing examples, but he comes to me completely cold, not knowing anything. I have to teach it. She assigns just a few problems but he is incapable of doing it without me talking him thru the steps. He constantly says he doesn't know, he doesn't understand, he hates math, he's not good at it. I tell him over and over that he actually IS good at it but he's not giving himself the chance to learn it, and it doesn't sink in. I don't even know what to do anymore. DS1 and DH keep telling me I need to stop helping him so much because next year he'll be at junior high and on his own to figure stuff out, but that doesn't help me get thru each day. Am I supposed to say "I can't help you" and let him scream and cry and fail?? I'm fighting with him daily over this. He's a very smart kid but of course he'd rather be playing Minecraft (or watching other people play it on YouTube, which boggles my mind) than learning math or anything productive. It doesn't matter how many times I say No youtube or games until the work is done, it's on his device at the ready and I'm extremely busy with work. Any help or advice?

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[georgiegirl]

He sounds similar to my DS1. He’s also in 6th grade and has ADHD, anxiety, and OCD. We’ve had major issues with screentime addition, especially when it comes to YouTube and Minecraft. I ended up buying a safe 1.5 weeks ago, and I keep the Xbox controllers in there as well as all TV remotes and devices. We’ve had issues with using YouTube on the school iPad, and at this point, I’m using major consequences as deterrents.

My DS is actually doing well with online learning and I think it’s because he’s in middle school (which really worried me). He’s in class like he would be in person. (Teachers are teaching both in person and online, so it’s a normal bell schedule). Most of his teachers use up the whole time, leaving very little for independent work. Sometimes they do independent work during class time, but most teachers have realized it’s best to keep the kid logged on to google meet the whole time so they actually do their work.

I found that when my son started Zoloft (for anxiety and OCD) his screen time addiction actually improved. He used to have daily meltdowns involving screaming anytime I took devices/screens away. Now it’s a bit better, but I can’t ever trust him.

Mine has stopped watching others play Minecraft on YouTube (seriously what’s with that, but they all do it). He somehow got into speed cubing, and that’s a much healthier obsession. He still watches others solve cubes on YouTube, but we are trying to control it. He also started his own YouTube channel, offering tech support videos to his classmates and teachers (he’s uploaded tons of videos on how to use all the features of canvas ).

Do you have some sort of internet controls on your router? I know some people here have them, and I’m just wondering if that would help control the YouTube addiction and gaming in the school device.


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[Snow mom]

I don’t have a child with ADHD so this is kind of an off the cuff suggestion, but if he isn’t doing school work during the asynchronous time, what would happen if you took the device when synchronous ended? I know that doesn’t solve the no school work without you, but maybe the boredom of not having anything to do would convince him he does want to be doing school work and you can provide an opportunity for him to do that with supervision and support. What consequences normally work for you if there is a rule he is supposed to be following like “no YouTube”. Can your DS1 provide any supervision or support? My sixth grader sometimes has more luck working with my second grader than I do. Not that it should be fully an older siblings responsibility, but certainly it isn’t out of the question to consider if they can pitch in in a useful way.

[niccig]

Can you move his asynchronous work until someone can sit with him to keep him focused?


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[KpbS]

Have him bring you the computer when class ends. No more hours of MC/youtube...

[Kestrel]

It sounds to me like he is really struggling with the math. Can you tell him you will work with him on the math, if he does his other work when you are working?

Does he have a set up IEP or similar? If so, work with the school for a tutor or aid.

[PunkyBoo]

Thank you for your suggestions and insight. To answer a few questions: I don't know how to do any controls or whatever on our router, but DS1 and I are online all day too (but doing what were supposed to be doing). DS1 is in 11th and has great time management skills so I don't want to punish him as a consequence for limiting DS2. DS1 has a full load of AP and honors classes which are online like a regular full school day so he does not have time/capability to help DS2. There was one day I was on important calls all afternoon and DS2 had a meltdown and awesome DS1 stepped in on his 15 minute break to help calm his brother. So yes, the math work ends up getting postponed until I'm off work, when I'm tired and trying unwind and to cook dinner. I've tried reasoning with him, telling him he needs to get x,y,z done BEFORE youtube and games and he says ok but goes right back to it the next day. I can't take the device away because there are other assignments he has to work on, most of which he takes care of in his own, it's usually just the math that drives me crazy. Believe me, I'm an engineer and I love math, so I've tried to foster a love of it for him, but he's having such a hard time with it we both end up upset. He has a 504 and the principal said he'd be emailing me the first week of October to set up a remote 504 meeting.

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[KpbS]

Well, in that case, I'd make a checklist for him for his other assignments. Explain to him that he has to save his math for after dinner homework with you/DH and tell him he has to get all of his other work done (and done well) before MC/YT. I'd encourage you to give him a timer for when he's finished his work to time his online game/watching time. You could have him do his work, spend 30 min outside, then have 30-45 min of play time on the computer.

[mom2binsd]

Is there a high school tutor available to hire? It also sounds like you all need a break from "teaching" him and maybe he'll respond to someone else?

Is the school doing any in person learning help?

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[bisous]

Does he have a 504? Maybe he needs an IEP right now. Maybe he can get instruction from somebody else on the math?

A couple of other thoughts (from a fellow Minecraft loving, ADHD mom, of a high schooler also). I don’t think failing 6th is the worst that couple happen. Except if he falls behind in math..which he’s already struggling in. Hence the suggestion to seek resource help? I noticed my 2 diagnosis ADHD kids need more help now during distance learning and their weaknesses are much more apparent.

Could you get daytime tutoring for the math through the school? (IEP or otherwise) Then you could either let him have the computer all day (because he gets his other stuff done) or take it and do the other asynchronous stuff when you are off (and can “watch” him work independently.

I really can understand his struggle. When I’m busy at my job I’m very focused but there are tasks that I just don’t love and I am super tempted to waste time on Instagram or Wordscapes or other places and it’s hard to stop—even for a mature, non ADHD adult! (I don’t get paid for these breaks when I’m unfocused because I’m trying to be honest to my enployer!)