teens and friendships

[Reader]

We have always been a family that talks about everything but this has crept up on us. 14 yo was previously happy go lucky, made a friend that has depression, and now 14 yo has depression (could easily have happened anyway with pandemic because all activities were cancelled). The friend has an eating disorder, and my naturally petite child, who has always been a great eater and loves food, now refuses breakfast and talks about how many calories everything has. I don't think my child is losing weight but I'm pretty worried about it. I've spent the last day calling therapists trying to find one my child will not blow off, but I thought maybe someone here has had a similar experience. We have never experienced any behavior or mental health challenges with this child, and I'm just at a loss. We have tried to talk to our child but we are getting nowhere.

[marinkitty]

Our DD has a history of disordered eating. Family-based treatment is the gold standard and can be very helpful even if there isn't a full blown eating disorder, but there are disordered thoughts about eating or restriction of intake. Here's a list of therapists trained in FBT: http://maudsleyparents.org/providerlist.html#MINN If there isn't someone local to you, lots of people will treat over Zoom now. When we first needed help with our DD, our pediatrician referred us to one of these therapists and she was a god-send. On the depression side, it may be related and can be dealt with by the same FBT therapist or may require other intervention but the FBT therapist is a great starting point because non-eating disorder therapists are often very uninformed on the ED front whereas most ED therapists are well informed on the relate mental health issues.

[hbridge]

Try to approach this from the child perspective and talk about your concern for the friend. Research together what depression looks like and the psychology behind eating disorders. In most cases, it truly is a control issue so you really can't "fix" it by trying to control your child. I would NOT try to discourage your child from hanging out with the friend (not that I thought you would, but it's a common reaction). Definitely get your child help! Keep the communication open in a non-judgemental way.

Sending hugs!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Try to approach this from the child perspective and talk about your concern for the friend. Research together what depression looks like and the psychology behind eating disorders. In most cases, it truly is a control issue so you really can't "fix" it by trying to control your child. I would NOT try to discourage your child from hanging out with the friend (not that I thought you would, but it's a common reaction). Definitely get your child help! Keep the communication open in a non-judgemental way.

Sending hugs!

My friend's dd has a friend like OP is describing. It has been an ongoing problem. This girl has gotten into smoking, drinking... and my friend's dd has followed along as well as other worrying issues like a potential eating disorder. When she started telling us about this problematic friendship 3 years ago I did say I'd encourage my kiddo to distance themselves. And I have repeated that when it's been relevant to the conversation. I would never tell my kids not to be friends with someone but I would encourage them to branch out. Things came to a really bad head recently for my friend's dd and family and I know they wish they could have avoided everything that has happened. We're all just winging this parenting thing and I respect your POV.

[Reader]

Our DD has a history of disordered eating. Family-based treatment is the gold standard and can be very helpful even if there isn't a full blown eating disorder, but there are disordered thoughts about eating or restriction of intake. Here's a list of therapists trained in FBT: http://maudsleyparents.org/providerlist.html#MINN If there isn't someone local to you, lots of people will treat over Zoom now. When we first needed help with our DD, our pediatrician referred us to one of these therapists and she was a god-send. On the depression side, it may be related and can be dealt with by the same FBT therapist or may require other intervention but the FBT therapist is a great starting point because non-eating disorder therapists are often very uninformed on the ED front whereas most ED therapists are well informed on the relate mental health issues.

Thank you. I will for someone local or on Zoom with the above link.

[Reader]

My friend's dd has a friend like OP is describing. It has been an ongoing problem. This girl has gotten into smoking, drinking... and my friend's dd has followed along as well as other worrying issues like a potential eating disorder. When she started telling us about this problematic friendship 3 years ago I did say I'd encourage my kiddo to distance themselves. And I have repeated that when it's been relevant to the conversation. I would never tell my kids not to be friends with someone but I would encourage them to branch out. Things came to a really bad head recently for my friend's dd and family and I know they wish they could have avoided everything that has happened. We're all just winging this parenting thing and I respect your POV.

Thanks. Do you have any advice from the friend as to what she wishes she'd done differently? I've never tried to restrict my kids' friends, and apparently I've been laxer than average on internet access.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Thanks. Do you have any advice from the friend as to what she wishes she'd done differently? I've never tried to restrict my kids' friends, and apparently I've been laxer than average on internet access.

They are still really neck deep in working through things in her family and we haven’t been able to connect long enough to really cover more than things aren’t great and they have a long road ahead of them. If you can nip it in the bud by redirecting to other friends, clubs, sports, activities- do that. I know it’s a weird year but any chance she has to make new friends and have some positive active outlets would really help, if possible. If I hear more I’ll let you know.


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[mommy111]

My friend's dd has a friend like OP is describing. It has been an ongoing problem. This girl has gotten into smoking, drinking... and my friend's dd has followed along as well as other worrying issues like a potential eating disorder. When she started telling us about this problematic friendship 3 years ago I did say I'd encourage my kiddo to distance themselves. And I have repeated that when it's been relevant to the conversation. I would never tell my kids not to be friends with someone but I would encourage them to branch out. Things came to a really bad head recently for my friend's dd and family and I know they wish they could have avoided everything that has happened. We're all just winging this parenting thing and I respect your POV.

diversify diversify diversify