When you are breaking down but you need to do it gracefully...

[newnana]

been thinking more about the messy house part of this equation. It drains my soul. It feels overwhelming on top of everything else when I have to clear a space to make the dinner I don't want to think about or clean up after. Ignoring it is not in my skill set unless it's in a place where I can close the door and not look at it, which isn't an option right now for us with everyone home. Sorry to keep with the "I" tone of this when trying to help you, just hoping something resonates with you and it might apply.
My family does not see the mess. My generic, "clean up" does nothing to register what is in front of them. DH is constantly asking me how he can help and the knee-jerk response in my head is, "uh, dunno, look around for .5 seconds and I think you might know." That is unkind, but true. It stays in my head.

I HAVE to be specific in the requests. It's not clean or vacuum or dust or put things away. It's vacuum the living room, dust the dining room, pick everything off of your floor putting the trash in the trash, dirty clothes in the hamper, clean clothes put away. And somehow that is way too much to remember, especially when they know I'm on edge, so they are less likely to come back and say, "what did you ask me to do again?" So I just write it down.

DH will offer to help and then take over what I was doing instead of doing one of the million things that needs to be done. It's like I have to show him what is on the to-do list or something. I don't get it, but I'm over getting frustrated about it. It makes him happy to help and I can focus on something else without having to list out what else needs to be done. That gets back to the ask for help bit. DH wants to help, he just doesn't know how. He hates to see me overwhelmed, but doesn't see what is around him. I HAVE to ask with VERY specific requests in a way that he'll not get distracted. That ask has to be in his skill set so he and I don't end up more frustrated. I can't ask him to take care of the bathrooms because I'll just end up having to redo them. Dusting and vacuuming broken down into specific areas? No problem, happy to help.

30 minutes with family boogie tunes playing to remove some drudgery and make the team more productive and mom will be much happier. Frankly, DH and DD are much happier in a clean place, too, they just don't realize it until it's done. They like to help, they just don't know how.

If you can ignore it, do. If you can't (I can't), be very specific in your requests and set aside some dedicated time for them to give this fabulous gift to you. I bet they would be happy to step up. Granted, when I'm blue the fact that I have to write up a list of what is obvious to me feels like an extra thing to do and would be easier to just do it myself, but we all feel better when I bring them in. I'm not as resentful and they feel like they contributed.

Good luck.

[newnana]

oops! double post

[bisous]

Thank you for the hugs and for the tips!

I went to bed last night using tips I've picked up for my babies over the years. I took a bath, turned off screens, read a little bit. I woke up at 3 but refused to pick up my phone and DID get back to sleep. That was fairly easy to fix and I already feel a little bit better.

This is not entirely gone. I feel this sadness, dread, anxiety, fog.

What is helping me now is strong habits. I focused hard for 4 hours this morning on work and wasn't able to focus on my moods.

Keeping my body working is important. Ironically I'm going to stop trying to teach the kids and I'm just going to do the chores for the kids for a bit. Maybe that sounds counterproductive but honestly it is SO much harder to teach them than to do it myself. I know the day will come when I will be happy I taught them but maybe right now I just need easy and clean. I will do better when I feel good again. I do believe that day will come.

My extended family has had some crises in the past few months. My sister is depressed and I love her dearly. My own DH is really struggling. And in turn I feel guilty for resenting him! Two of my kids are struggling with big things. Two of them are getting diagnosed right now as we speak. I usually tend to focus on overly serious things. I'm probably not a fun person. I was learning all I could about WW2 and COVID and I love politics podcasts. But I think it is just too much right now.

I'm going to try to sleep. I am going to do exercise every day. I am going to set aside time for cleaning my house. When I can't stand it any more I'm going to just spend time reading aloud to DD (who thankfully will let me as long as I want!). I will keep focused at work. I put together some music lists that are uplifting. I hate to do it, but I think I have to put my plans to do more service as a family on hold for a little bit if I can't fit it in. I'm no good to anyone if I'm broken. I feel broken right now. I need to keep a journal but I'm fighting it and I don't know why. It is partly like I'm learning so much about myself that it is hard to learn? I don't know if that makes sense. My talents and my weaknesses have been laid bare during COVID.

Thanks for your advice and your hugs. I do believe I will make it through this. I always have and feel MUCH better today than yesterday after getting some sleep. I don't know if I'll turn a corner any time soon yet. I think it is good to have these moments to remember how others feel and to be more understanding and kind to them. It sure is easy to be upbeat and cheerful when you feel upbeat and cheerful. It turns out I'm crummy at these things when my moods turn gloomy.

[elizamom]

I’m so sorry you are hurting right now. I know it probably doesn’t really help, but i think so many moms can relate right now. Our normal daily routines have changed so much due to COVID, especially with having to homeschool or virtual school our babies. Add to that, additional life events (like you say your DH and sister are struggling) and it can just feel like too much. I can so relate to your messy house struggles. Having my kids home all the time means a lot more cleaning up. When my house is untidy, it effects my mood big time. Something that seems to help us is getting out of the house more. We just did a little camping trip and it was so refreshing. So many posters have already made such good suggestions. Hope you feel better soon.

[bisous]

I just wanted to update that it has been a few days and I'm feeling better already. I got some sleep. I kept waking super early for some reason and my phone KEPT me awake. So I just had to consciously not look at my phone no matter what and I was able to sleep a lot more. I am trying to avoid things that make me feel stressed. I'm exercising. I tried some meditations that are part of a fitness program that DH gets through his work (the app is Grokker). I think I've been able to kind of get at what is really getting to me and I'm trying to let it go. I'm trying to document everything because I've had some depression/anxiety episodes over the past that were not resolved as quickly as this one (seems to) have been. I may not be entirely out of the woods now but my prior episodes (most of which pointedly were hormonally related to the pill or pregnancy) lasted longer. I'm hoping I'm able to avoid dripping further in by using good self-care.

I hope this helps someone. I was sure helped by your thoughtful advice and understanding!

[bisous]

I just wanted to update that it has been a few days and I'm feeling better already. I got some sleep. I kept waking super early for some reason and my phone KEPT me awake. So I just had to consciously not look at my phone no matter what and I was able to sleep a lot more. I am trying to avoid things that make me feel stressed. I'm exercising. I tried some meditations that are part of a fitness program that DH gets through his work (the app is Grokker). I think I've been able to kind of get at what is really getting to me and I'm trying to let it go. I'm trying to document everything because I've had some depression/anxiety episodes over the past that were not resolved as quickly as this one (seems to) have been. I may not be entirely out of the woods now but my prior episodes (most of which pointedly were hormonally related to the pill or pregnancy) lasted longer. I'm hoping I'm able to avoid dripping further in by using good self-care.

I hope this helps someone. I was sure helped by your thoughtful advice and understanding!

PS I made time to just clean my house top to bottom and I instantly felt better. I guess I'm recording this for my own sake in the future!

[Liziz]

I'm happy to hear such a positive update! Good for you for recognizing what was going on and prioritizing what you needed to get to a better place.

[bisous]

Just another update. I've managed to push most of the clouds away.

The key for me was more sleep, less caffeine (I am late to the caffeine game--started drinking Diet Coke in my 40s!), and way more love and grace.

Sadness, fear, and worry were already crowding out my thoughts. At some point I started feeling true enmity towards people who think differently than me and in the worst way. It was mainly directed through real people that I know and that aren't perfect but who are not bad people. It has to do with observing COVID differently and seeing politics differently and it was eating up my own personal sense of peace. I realized that admitting that was difficult and caused me pain and only upon reflection could I make a choice (a scary choice) to consciously choose to love the people around me. It has made a big difference.

I tried some meditation apps and realized I'm bad at meditation but I liked what I tried and I'd like to do it more. I even felt a sense of estrangement from God when I was choosing to fill my heart with anger and fear instead of love and I had to admit that and seek for forgiveness.

Thank you for all of your help in discovering the physical and emotional sources of my pain. It was pretty acute when I wrote the post and its nearly gone now. I'm not sure I'm completely out of the water. The quarantine might be long yet and election night is making me nervous but I thought I'd share my progress!

It has also given me a healthy respect for habits of body and mind that help sustain us. I thought I could do whatever and always feel good but I realize now that I need to respect sleep, meditation, and practice giving grace if I want to have peace in my life!

[bisous]

Just another update. I've managed to push most of the clouds away.

The key for me was more sleep, less caffeine (I am late to the caffeine game--started drinking Diet Coke in my 40s!), and way more love and grace.

Sadness, fear, and worry were already crowding out my thoughts. At some point I started feeling true enmity towards people who think differently than me and in the worst way. It was mainly directed through real people that I know and that aren't perfect but who are not bad people. It has to do with observing COVID differently and seeing politics differently and it was eating up my own personal sense of peace. I realized that admitting that was difficult and caused me pain and only upon reflection could I make a choice (a scary choice) to consciously choose to love the people around me. It has made a big difference.

I tried some meditation apps and realized I'm bad at meditation but I liked what I tried and I'd like to do it more. I even felt a sense of estrangement from God when I was choosing to fill my heart with anger and fear instead of love and I had to admit that and seek for forgiveness.

Thank you for all of your help in discovering the physical and emotional sources of my pain. It was pretty acute when I wrote the post and its nearly gone now. I'm not sure I'm completely out of the water. The quarantine might be long yet and election night is making me nervous but I thought I'd share my progress!

It has also given me a healthy respect for habits of body and mind that help sustain us. I thought I could do whatever and always feel good but I realize now that I need to respect sleep, meditation, and practice giving grace if I want to have peace in my life!