Annoyed - Is this petty/unreasonable?

[alootikki]

I have a cousin I’m very close to who also lives in our city. He’s actually a couple of years older than me, but had kids later, so my youngest and his oldest are about five years apart.

When he and his wife were expecting their first child, I gave them tons of high-quality baby equipment and clothing, and continued to give them lots of hand-me-downs over the years. (Sidenote: I am not very close to his wife - we have very different personalities and I don’t find her to be very generous or warm)

I now see that she is selling a lot of stuff I gave them on our local buy/sell groups. It’s all pretty old stuff at this point, so it’s not like anything is being sold for more than $15 or $20 (today I see she’s selling a set of MiniBoden dresses and sweaters for $20).

But this really irks me! I could have chosen to sell that stuff when it was newer, but instead I gave it to them - and now she’s trying to profit off of it. Also important to note - this is not in any way for financial reasons, they are extremely well off.

I’m feeling petty for being bothered by this, but it does bother me. I would have no problem with this stuff being donated. Maybe it would bother me less if I felt like they were generous with my kids in some other way, which they are not.

So - am I being petty? And how do I get over this?


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[twowhat?]

I don't think that what you're feeling is petty or unreasonable. I would be annoyed too. But, I agree with you that you have to let it go. Anytime something is given to someone, then you are letting them choose what they will do with it, whatever that might be. It would be easier if we gave gifts and didn't see them appear on FB Marketplace. I would maybe think more carefully about what you give them in the future, to protect your feelings. Which by the way I think are totally valid, if it helps you feel better.

[jgenie]

Once you gave it to them it belongs to them to do with as they see fit.

I would be irked too!! I would want them to help someone else as you helped them. Donate to a friend or donate to a nonprofit. Keeps the karma going.

[SnuggleBuggles]

While it probably isn't rational or reasonable, I would feel the same way. I'd really be tempted to ask for the items back. Either for sentimental reasons or so you can pass them on to another family. I'm not sure if I would do that or just quietly be annoyed and vent here! But, a good part of me is leaning towards asking for them back...

[JustMe]

I don't blame you for being annoyed or irked, as it is a strange feeling to see someone selling something you gave them that you could have sold. That said you did give them the clothes so they are theirs to sell. A lot of people gave me hand me downs for dd when she was younger and I did sell some of it. Not onlne, but to second hand stores around here...mostly I got store credit for it. I felt a little weird about it, but not weird enough that it would have made sense to me to ask people if they wanted their little kid clothes back (when they were definitely done have littles) or ask their permission. i did have to scrimp and save money-wise, so not sure if that makes it different.

I have asked if people wanted things back when they were higher ticket hand me downs (like a bike). They never did and always told me to do what I wanted with them.

ETA: I actually did use the clothes and then sold them to local second hand stores when I was done. I didnt sell them right away. Not sure if that is worse or better :-)

[gatorsmom]

I don’t think you are being petty at all. In fact, I’ve had a similar situation happen to me. I think it helps to look at it differently. You chose those clothes and equipment and had them new. They might not have been her style or what she would have chose. You received some extra value in that. You had them new and when they were at their best. Maybe by selling your stuff she can purchase something new she really wanted and couldn’t justify the price of. You gave her that opportunity. That is a gift from you.

I give away a lot of clothes to friends and other families and always preface it by saying, “it’s your now. I hope you get some benefit out of it one way or another. Sell it, give it to a friend, whatever. It’s yours.”

Would you feel better about this if you liked your SIL more? Something to think about.

[niccig]

I’d be annoyed, but let it go. I used to do the same, spent a lot of time sending clothes to SIL who then passed it onto the other SIL. I never got a thank you. I ended up donating as it was easier to donate then ship it.


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[alootikki]

Thanks all for validating my annoyance!

Yes, I would definitely feel differently if they were not financially secure, if I liked her more, of if I felt they were in any way generous to me/my family! But it’s bringing out a very petty side of me, so doing my best to let it go. And lesson learned - no more expensive hand me downs that will create bitterness when sold!!


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