How do you just "forget" about something?

[MSWR0319]

I recently resigned from a nonprofit board that I was highly involved in. It was full of toxic board members who had no clue how nonprofits should run and were only on the board to benefit themselves. I have raised concerns over the way things were being run numerous times was always told I was wrong. The majority of the board acted as though it was a social club and they didn't have to follow any rules. After getting no where, I finally resigned because they're violating all sorts of non-profit "duties". I'm proud of my decision, as it made a few of them stop and think about what was being done, but sad that I'm not involved anymore. Once parent told me last year that I was the face of the organization because I pretty much did everything and they appreciated me. The President claims some of it will change because she didn't realize it was "that bad", yet as I'm communicating with her to try and make the transition to whomever fills my position easier, I can see things won't change much. So how do I put it out of my mind how bad it is and just move on? I keep thinking about it because I really care about the organization and don't want to see it destroyed, which is what will happen eventually if they don't start fixing things. It would be so much easier if I could just walk away but my kids are involved so I will still be around seeing everything that happens and knowing that it could be fixed so easily if they just followed the bylaws and made decisions solely for the organization and not themselves. Maybe I'll be able to move on once I get through the transition since this is still fresh and just happened not long ago?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm proud of you! I can't believe you stuck it out this long!
It's so hard though. It's easier if you know there is at least one person still on the board who gets it but it doesn't sound like there is. You can just be that pesky member now that demands some accountability. But, in my case I just ignore things from my old board and I've been fine simply not thinking about it anymore. I know the operations are a mess but it's not my problem anymore. Bills are paid, insurance is up to date, all the necessary operations are under control so I never had any worries that the place would go under but I very much disagreed with so many things. And I was the lone squeaky wheel that asked questions and didn't just want to rubberstamp anything. Once I resigned, the president acknowledged our rocky relationship but thanked me for holding them accountable. That was satisfying. I keep meaning to nominate someone even squeakier than me to fill my seat.
I think once you get a little distance you'll be ok. Hang in there!

[mikala]

I think it will be easier to move on with time and space. One thing really struck me about your post--the comment that you were seen as the face of the organization. Keep reminding yourself that you didn't want to be the face of a non-profit engaged in those violations.

It sounds like non-profit work is something you enjoy so you may also want to look at other causes more worthy of your time and energy.

[gatorsmom]

I think the easiest way to move on and forget them would be to get involved in something different that excites you and is successful. Find a new project or a new organization that requires more of your mental energy. Otherwise, I could see writing a letter to each of those board members and telling them what you think needs to be done and the consequences of mismanagement. That might not be possible if your kids and family are still involved and you have to be polite to them. But maybe you just need to point fingers and say what needs to be done. With a letter like that, you’d have said frankly what they all need to hear but you’d also be cutting ties. No going back after that so you must move on, kwim?

Im sorry you are going through that. I posted about a similar situation last year and unbelievably it resolved itself. But it took years before the change happened and then it has very slow been changing. A year later we have some new people in charge and they are finally steering the boat but time will tell if they steer it in a better direction or slip into the same rut the last folks were in. It’s been agonizing so I understand what you are going through.

[MSWR0319]

I think it will be easier to move on with time and space. One thing really struck me about your post--the comment that you were seen as the face of the organization. Keep reminding yourself that you didn't want to be the face of a non-profit engaged in those violations.

It sounds like non-profit work is something you enjoy so you may also want to look at other causes more worthy of your time and energy.

Thank you for this! This is exactly why I quit.

Thank you all for your kind words. I stuck it out longer than I should have because I thought maybe they'd come around. I think as time goes on I will not think about it so much. It'll be nice to just be "mom" instead of always being so busy running it that I can't really enjoy watching my kids.

[Kestrel]

'not my dog'.

A joke I heard in a seminar. Guy walks into a bar. Walks up to the bar and sees a man and a dog on barstools. He says to the man - does your dog bite? Man says no. Guy sits down next to the dog; dog bites him. Guy says to man - you said your dog didn't bite! Man says - sorry, that's not my dog.


Basically, not my dog, not my problem. Don't let yourself get sucked back in after you've decided to leave. Take an hour or two and write out anything they truly might need to transition. Send in that report and take a deep breath. You're done. You don't work there anymore. You don't need to answer them. You don't need to help. Not my dog.

We use it a lot.

[Snow mom]

Could your kids join a different club so you could have a clean break from this one? I had a similar experience as a board member of our PTO. I don't know what types of norms your board broke, but ours broke plenty of smaller non-profit rules and really the board ran the entire show, rather than members having any say. It seemed like the entire thing was more egos and pet projects than real thought about supporting the school community. I had to completely separate myself from the PTO. I'm willing to send them $1 for their theme days if my kid wants to participate but other than that I don't donate at all. There's too much mismanagement and while at face value I believe in public schools and PTOs, I don't believe in this PTO. We are still at the school and I try to directly support my kids classroom and that's it. So I'd say either separate completely from the organization or just do the minimum in terms of the non-profit (any required fundraising to participate). Unfortunately non-profits are not very well overseen so unless they get reported directly or something like huge amounts of embezzlement are ongoing, it's unlikely that they will ever get "caught" for whatever mismanagement and rule breaking is going on.

[MSWR0319]

Could your kids join a different club so you could have a clean break from this one? I had a similar experience as a board member of our PTO. I don't know what types of norms your board broke, but ours broke plenty of smaller non-profit rules and really the board ran the entire show, rather than members having any say. It seemed like the entire thing was more egos and pet projects than real thought about supporting the school community. I had to completely separate myself from the PTO. I'm willing to send them $1 for their theme days if my kid wants to participate but other than that I don't donate at all. There's too much mismanagement and while at face value I believe in public schools and PTOs, I don't believe in this PTO. We are still at the school and I try to directly support my kids classroom and that's it. So I'd say either separate completely from the organization or just do the minimum in terms of the non-profit (any required fundraising to participate). Unfortunately non-profits are not very well overseen so unless they get reported directly or something like huge amounts of embezzlement are ongoing, it's unlikely that they will ever get "caught" for whatever mismanagement and rule breaking is going on.

I am going to try to talk the kids into joining a different one. I really think they'd actually like it better anyway, but if they insist on sticking with this one, I will do like you and only do the bare necessity which is pay the fees. I'm not supporting fundraisers. They can't manage money, and like your PTO they aren't letting members have a say.

'not my dog'.

A joke I heard in a seminar. Guy walks into a bar. Walks up to the bar and sees a man and a dog on barstools. He says to the man - does your dog bite? Man says no. Guy sits down next to the dog; dog bites him. Guy says to man - you said your dog didn't bite! Man says - sorry, that's not my dog.


Basically, not my dog, not my problem. Don't let yourself get sucked back in after you've decided to leave. Take an hour or two and write out anything they truly might need to transition. Send in that report and take a deep breath. You're done. You don't work there anymore. You don't need to answer them. You don't need to help. Not my dog.

We use it a lot.

LOVE THIS! It's my new mantra.

[Kestrel]

Yup. I have a complicated, needy, pain in the ----- family. I use this a lot.

Just because it's their problem doesn't make it your problem or that you have any need to solve it for them/with them.

Not my dog.

[mikala]

'not my dog'.

A joke I heard in a seminar. Guy walks into a bar. Walks up to the bar and sees a man and a dog on barstools. He says to the man - does your dog bite? Man says no. Guy sits down next to the dog; dog bites him. Guy says to man - you said your dog didn't bite! Man says - sorry, that's not my dog.


Basically, not my dog, not my problem. Don't let yourself get sucked back in after you've decided to leave. Take an hour or two and write out anything they truly might need to transition. Send in that report and take a deep breath. You're done. You don't work there anymore. You don't need to answer them. You don't need to help. Not my dog.

We use it a lot.

Love this! We use "not my circus, not my monkeys" a lot.