Advice for dealing with Elderly Parents

[legaleagle]

I see this from problem from the periphery in my role as a downsizing/decluttering specialist and also saw my mother-in-law go through it with her mother. Often, the best thing you can do is hire a geriatric social worker to serve as a "middle-man". They have lots of experience talking to the elderly about these issues and know all the local resources. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-...c-care-manager

A good care manager is a *lifesaver*. If anyone wants a rec in DC/Maryland let me know, I have a great company I've worked with many times (ref to clients and also as a trustee for clients).

In terms of inaccessible houses, I've had multiple clients not be able to ever set foot in their homes again after a medical emergency, which is the absolute worst way to have a move happen, of course.

[westwoodmom04]

Thanks everyone for all the input, lots of things for us to think about. They do drive and have paid help for most things related to taking care of the home. I honestly don’t think they would agree to any renovations to current place but perhaps such a discussion would open them up to considering a move, I believe my fil would consider if it were to a “normal” condo but my mil is the one who would be less likely to leave for emotional reasons. There are plenty of extra bedrooms for overnight help if they stay on current home. If they spent the winter in the warmer climate house, as originally planned, a lot of issues would be resolved, at least for the short term, but they don’t want to put the effort into building a social circle there, even though it is mostly retirees and they have friends in the area. I think they would love a newer smaller place once they were in it, the challenge would be the persuasion. There will be no forcing anything. It’s all complicated by being my in-laws, and not my own parents, so dh and his sibling will be lead and I think they are a bit less willing to see the state of things with clear eyes. All of this brings back memories when my grandmother was basically unable to take care of herself before the need for around the clock help became apparent.

We aren’t at the point where anything drastic needs to be done, but with recent evidence of declines, realizing things won’t stay this way forever and there will be issues relating to their aging that will need to be dealt with in the not too distant future. When it’s just one of them, a move will be a necessity and probably not resisted. Just don’t want any avoidable accidents.

[Philly Mom]

For my parents, moving to their second home full time was the best thing for them. They probably have a similar background to your in laws. They moved to a golf community with friends. They have made a ton of additional friends since being their full time. I think it has kept them younger too. They probably play golf 4-5 days a week. They walk daily. My mom does water aerobics classes. They are 80 but many of their new friends are in their 50s and 60s. They moved from a 6500/7000 square foot 4 story house to a 3000 square foot one story house. With the financial ability to pay for nursing care when needed, they will be able to stay in their house forever. I really think you need to figure out how to convince them to spend more time in their second home. Once they make friends they will be so happy there.


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[ezcc]

My parents moved to a large, high end condo building in an urban area when they were fairly young- in their 60s- and my father unfortunately passed away quite suddenly not long after they moved. It was honestly such a great thing they had already done that move- it was so much easier for her to be a widow in her new place. Now that she is in her 70s she is moving to a different building closer to my brother and me but still just a regular condo- not assisted or senior living. The covered parking, doorman, repair people she can easily call etc, etc, have just made her life so much easier- she can travel (in normal times) without worrying about leaving her house. There are restaurants and grocery stores she can walk to, neighbors in her building that she is friends with- it's just a great lifestyle for an older person. I would encourage them to at least consider something like that.

[niccig]

ILs downsized to a condo community that has duplexes. It is not a retirement community but as only 2 bedrooms, their neighbors are all retired or close to retirement age. The home is all one level and they finished the basement for more space when family visit. The HOA takes care of garden, snow plowing etc. They are more social now as neighbors are similar age with similar interests. There’s always bridge or small get together going on with the neighbors.

They made the decision and initiated the move when FIL was diagnosed with a degenerative medical condition knowing that he would need one level and MIL couldn’t take care of larger home by herself. It’s been a good example of controlling the process yourself. My parents are setting the opposite example . My dad needs more care, but he didn’t want assisted living and my mother had to be forced by medical team to get more help in the home. They have some help now. They could have more, but she won’t allow it. My siblings and I all live far away and mom has alienated family that are close by, so there is no family help. Dad is no longer capable of making care decisions himself. We think it’ll be dad getting hurt and the medical team forcing assisted living move. We can’t make them do anything as mom has all decision making right now. She won’t even discuss other options.

Maybe trying to get them to downsize to more manageable home, but it’s not assisted living is the first step. I agree with getting someone to help have the discussions.


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[StantonHyde]

Honestly it sounds like you are just going to have to wait until there is a crisis that forces them to move. That’s not the way you want to do it but if they aren’t incapacitated you can’t force them

[chlobo]

Honestly it sounds like you are just going to have to wait until there is a crisis that forces them to move. That’s not the way you want to do it but if they aren’t incapacitated you can’t force them

This is where I am with my mother. She refuses all advice and won't consider moving. She had an anxiety attack last time we talked about it.

[westwoodmom04]

Honestly it sounds like you are just going to have to wait until there is a crisis that forces them to move. That’s not the way you want to do it but if they aren’t incapacitated you can’t force them

Probably so.

[niccig]

Honestly it sounds like you are just going to have to wait until there is a crisis that forces them to move. That’s not the way you want to do it but if they aren’t incapacitated you can’t force them

I know it sounds awful, but there’s nothing you can do.

My sister worries about my parents’ situation saying it’s going to be a mess to resolve. I agree, but I’ve accepted it’s going to be messy. We’ll just have to deal with it. Getting them to change things now just isn’t going to happen.

Sorry you’re in a similar situation

[gatorsmom]

My parents moved to a large, high end condo building in an urban area when they were fairly young- in their 60s- and my father unfortunately passed away quite suddenly not long after they moved. It was honestly such a great thing they had already done that move- it was so much easier for her to be a widow in her new place. Now that she is in her 70s she is moving to a different building closer to my brother and me but still just a regular condo- not assisted or senior living. The covered parking, doorman, repair people she can easily call etc, etc, have just made her life so much easier- she can travel (in normal times) without worrying about leaving her house. There are restaurants and grocery stores she can walk to, neighbors in her building that she is friends with- it's just a great lifestyle for an older person. I would encourage them to at least consider something like that.

My great aunt and uncle did this when they were in their 60’s. They actually downsized into a condo that was connected to an assisted living facility as well as a full-time nursing home. It’s where she had been volunteering for a long time. It worked out so seamlessly. Moving there at a young age while still active meant they became familiar with the campus, the staff and facilities as well as the neighborhood area. So when my great aunt finally gave up her drivers license she could still give directions for people helping her. They lived in their condo for nearly a decade before my great uncle passed away and my great aunt needed more care. She still had her own little place but received a lot more help. How they handled that transition is so different from how some of my other aunts and uncles have handled it which were agonizing and stressful for their kids. I hope Dh and I can follow their lead.