Parenting resources for sibling rivalry?

[squimp]

I have an only, but was the oldest of 4. We fought a lot when we were little, there was some combination of 2 on 2 going on all the time. We didn't really get along until we had to work together toward some common goal. We started having fun together - we all had to get along in order to do something we all wanted to do. Also, we got along better once we got older, like when I was in high school and had to drive them places, so they had to be nice to me and to each other.

[bisous]

I have an only, but was the oldest of 4. We fought a lot when we were little, there was some combination of 2 on 2 going on all the time. We didn't really get along until we had to work together toward some common goal. We started having fun together - we all had to get along in order to do something we all wanted to do. Also, we got along better once we got older, like when I was in high school and had to drive them places, so they had to be nice to me and to each other.

Actually this is a good point. The core relationships of these kids are actually very good. I'm SO grateful for DS3 and DD being sort of close in age. They have this little remnant of appropriate childhood in the midst of all this crazy. They play together ALL the time. So I do think that regardless of what I do they're going to be ok. I think ultimately I'm more concerned that they learn the correct lessons for how to interact with others and since they ONLY interact with each other right now, I worry that they are learning the wrong lessons? I look forward to seeing what these books say!

I will recount that my sister just youngest than me is my best friend right now. We FOUGHT a lot growing up. A nice lady from our church dropped us off at home after an activity and then promptly called my mom because she was so concerned about the way we were treating each other in the car. We honestly didn't remember even having a problem! I guess we were just so used to calling each other names and fighting that we didn't even notice, lol. We were older teens at the time!

So I guess the lesson is that family conflict can be annoying without causing permanent damage to the relationship? I just don't like DS3 learning to whine and DD getting away with hitting! I know I have work to do with DS2...but honestly I feel like I see the way forward best on that one than the other two. I have a great relationship with him and I "get" him. He's logical and thoughtful and I thinking bringing awareness to him might make a difference.

Thanks for helping me think this through!

[SnuggleBuggles]

My sister has scars on her arm from when I used to scratch her. I didn’t scratch anyone else. How we interact with our siblings, for most people, isn’t any indicator of social skills.


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[AngB]

My sister has scars on her arm from when I used to scratch her. I didn’t scratch anyone else. How we interact with our siblings, for most people, isn’t any indicator of social skills.


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My sister also has scars, but it's from the time she chased me with a knife. Ahhh siblings. We were older like early teens ages during this. I remember calling my dad at work which I'm sure he greatly appreciated.
We get along now!

[georgiegirl]

My sister has scars on her arm from when I used to scratch her. I didn’t scratch anyone else. How we interact with our siblings, for most people, isn’t any indicator of social skills.


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My sister and I fought horribly when we were kids, but we are close now.

My boys actually get along way better now during the pandemic than before. I think it’s because they don’t have any other options.


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[carolinamama]

With 3 kids, we always have some combo of 2 vs 1. The two ganging up changes based on age, stage of life and what each kid has going on. Sibling strife and fighting is the constant. We've had biting, punching, hitting and everything in between. I don't stress about it too much (other than they dance on my last nerve regularly when it's going on) because I also see them playing and working together. I grew up with 3 kids and we fought all the time. We all get along well in adulthood. My dad still talks about breaking up fights between my sister and me almost every morning while we were primping in the bathroom for school. She and I are close now.

I'm guessing your kids have a strong bond on a fundamental level.

[bisous]

I'm interested to see what the books say. I think that in essentials, the kids are developing really good relationships. I don't think they need to act perfect with each other but I also don't like the feeling of wanting to "help" but seriously having no framework or idea of how to do that equitably. Maybe the answer is complete disinterest? But they come to me and they want help and I'm totally useless! I'd like to be more purposeful in my interaction, even if the correct answer is something along the lines of "work it out".

[ezcc]

I want to add that learning to fight in a healthy way is a valuable skill- I am close to my siblings (then and now) but we really never fought as kids, and to this day I think we have trouble with disagreements - things tend to simmer very much under the surface and resentment can build up in an unhealthy way. My mother was quick to smooth things over, and still does it today. I think I tend to do the same, so thanks for bringing this up- gives me something to think about!

[mm123]

My sister and I fought horribly when we were kids, but we are close now.

My boys actually get along way better now during the pandemic than before. I think it’s because they don’t have any other options.


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It’s interesting that you say this- we’re actually experiencing the exact opposite. My girls are VERY different personalities, have never gotten along, and have always fought a lot. We find it’s gotten even worse during the pandemic. Being confined more to our very small house, and having fewer outside social outings/contacts has just made everything that much worse. We’ve read a lot of those books, but it had gotten so bad that we’ve actually started them both in therapy (separate therapists) for the rivalry and other issues.

The fighting is honestly causing a LOT of strife in our home. Although hearing that you fought horribly with your sister, and that you now get along with her gives me hope!